Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, have you ever considered that there’s a fine line between channeling your energy into chasing the truth and… vengeance? My horoscope says I’m either heading for a marathon or a vendetta. Personally, I’m leaning toward vengeance against the Bureau’s filing system.
Mulder, I think the only thing you’re supposed to be plotting right now is getting a decent night’s sleep. When was the last time you let your brain switch off at a reasonable hour? You don’t have to see every late-night stray thought as a government conspiracy.
That’s exactly what someone would say if they wanted me to stop asking questions. Did you know I literally lost sleep wondering if the city’s flocks of pigeons are more than they appear? My horoscope said I’d start thinking that at 3AM. Clearly, the universe knows me.
You mean the universe or your pattern recognition skills after eating questionable takeout at odd hours? And if pigeons are government spies, does that mean you’ve been tailed during your morning jog, too? Should I start carrying breadcrumbs or aluminum foil on our stakeouts?
Breadcrumbs might help, but the foil’s probably better for you. Look, all I’m saying is, between running point on our investigations and trying to decode people’s true motives, maybe this week I should use my energy to finally figure out what Skinner’s really hiding in his office.
Or you could interpret your horoscope as advice to make healthier choices and get some rest. Not everything is a sign, Mulder. Sometimes a tired mind and late-night thoughts are just that - symptoms of not knowing when to go to bed.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, what are you beaming about? You look like you just saw the Cigarette Smoking Man doing community service.
It’s not what I saw, Scully, it’s what I read. My horoscope just told me patient energy flows through me and today my generosity knows no bounds - until I check my bank account tomorrow, apparently.
That sounds more like an early warning than anything paranormal, Mulder. Did it also predict you’d put too many quarters in the vending machine again?
I’m not kidding, Scully. It also says my communication style is ‘dangerously charming’ today. I mean, who knows what kind of trouble I could get into if I accidentally send a flirtatious text to Skinner?
Mulder, given your previous run-ins with Skinner, I wouldn’t recommend it. But I have to say, the golden retriever at a barbecue analogy is surprisingly apt.
Exactly! It says I’m extra charming today. Maybe that’s the secret, Scully - charm. Maybe that’s how Eugene Tooms got so many people to invite him inside before he squeezed himself down their chimneys.
Or maybe your ‘dangerous charm’ is exaggerating your sense of connection, Mulder. If you find yourself buying another alien snow globe online, don’t blame the stars.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you seem unusually chipper this morning. Should I be concerned, or did you just discover a new government conspiracy under your coffee cup?
Scully, I think today is a day of fateful curiosity. My horoscope said my texts are dangerously charming right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if Skinner accidentally asks me out to dinner.
That sounds like less of a prediction and more of a warning. So, are you telling me your latest theory about migratory bird surveillance came to you around 3AM?
Exactly! The stars warned me to prepare for 3AM epiphanies, and suddenly, I was plagued by the notion that pigeons might actually be tiny feathery operatives. You have to admit, if anyone could pull that off, it's the same people who tried to pass off bees as vectors.
Mulder, you can’t possibly be using astrology to justify your sleep deprivation. And pigeons being government spies? That’s just this side of paranoid - even for you.
Is it, Scully? My horoscope said my emotions are more intuitive today. Maybe that just means I'm more attuned to the subtle threats circling us on the power lines. Besides, the Cancer Moon is making me extra protective of my ‘loved ones’. That’s you, by the way - so don’t say I didn’t warn you if a pigeon starts following you home.
I’ll keep an eye out for any covert avian activity, Mulder. But until then, let’s stick to hard evidence, rather than brainwaves delivered by lunar influence.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, you’re beaming. Should I brace myself for a heartfelt theory involving aliens, poltergeists, or did you just read something that actually makes you happy for once?
Scully, I was just reading my horoscope, and apparently, my gentle spirit is going to warm not just my day, but the world around me. The stars are practically urging me to be more generous - though it warns of limited funds. I suppose even cosmic encouragement draws the line at my credit overdraft.
Let me guess, the lunar influence this week is making you extra sensitive and irresistibly charming? Should I be worried that your texts are going to start reading like love letters to Skinner by accident, or is this just another side-effect of all those late nights?
It’s not impossible, Scully. The Moon’s in my sign, which means my emotions are on high alert - and apparently, I’m due for a bout of accidental flirting. Or obsessive workouts. Or revenge plotting. I’m just glad Byers isn’t in the office today, otherwise he’d never let me live it down.
I’ll keep an eye on you and your texts. Just promise me you won’t confuse nurturing your inner transformation with going rogue... again. And Mulder, try to remember that Astrology isn’t exactly an approved investigative method.
That’s exactly what they’d want us to believe, Scully! Maybe the answers to life’s mysteries are written in the stars. Or maybe they’re just reminders to avoid checking my bank account after a late night of online theories. Either way, I’ll try to hold off on the revenge - or the charm - unless absolutely necessary.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, you've been pacing for ten minutes, and now you're tracking weather patterns on your phone. Is there something you're not telling me?
It's my horoscope today, Scully. It says a 'regal spark' is shining within. I'm either set to become an exercise fanatic or plunge into a world of well-deserved payback. Naturally, I’m opting for vigilant plotting - metaphorically speaking, anyway.
I assume this is the same horoscope that once told you to trust your instincts, right before you spent three days staking out a sewer for mutant alligators?
Maybe I was ahead of my time. But get this - it actually warns me to channel this energy wisely, especially or else my relationships could suffer. It's like the stars themselves are cautioning me not to alienate my only partner in the Bureau willing to entertain extraterrestrial avian surveillance.
Extraterrestrial avian surveillance? Mulder, are you suggesting that pigeons are somehow collecting intelligence for the government?
At 3AM, Scully, with the brain activity I've got going, anything's possible. What if pigeons really are government spies? I mean, we’ve seen stranger things. Remember the guy who could control minds with a glance? Birds have the vantage point - and maybe, just maybe, tiny transmitters.
Or maybe you just need to get some sleep instead of letting your horoscope dictate your circadian rhythm. Consider channeling that 'regal spark' into eight hours of rest for a change.
Maybe you’re right. But if we wake up to find the car covered in suspicious white residue, don’t say I didn't warn you.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, you look unusually pleased with yourself this morning. Did you finally figure out where the office coffee keeps disappearing to?
No, Scully, but I just read my horoscope, and it said my efforts are crystal clear today, which means the universe is definitely on my side. Apparently, my texts are ‘dangerously charming,’ too. I wouldn’t be surprised if Skinner responds with a winking emoji.
Your texts are always dangerously something. But I doubt planetary alignment suddenly turned you into a poet, Mulder.
Scully, you underestimate cosmic influence. The horoscope actually warned me I might flirt by accident today. It’s not even my fault if it happens - it’s celestial physics at work. So if I unintentionally compliment your autopsy reports, blame Mercury.
Or maybe you’re just sleep deprived, which, according to your daily routines, I’d say is a much more grounded explanation for your sudden ‘charm’.
I won’t deny it - I was up at 3AM wondering if pigeons are government spies. You know, given what we’ve seen, the idea isn’t that absurd. Remember when we thought the killer was an ordinary insect?
Please don’t start surveilling birds, Mulder. The last thing we need is you chasing pigeons through D.C. And if you’re tired, maybe lay off the late-night paranormal message boards.
Celestially mandated or not, my brain’s on overtime today, Scully. I just hope it doesn’t get us in trouble with the local wildlife. Or the Bureau.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, is that a horoscope you’re reading or just more paranormal classified ads?
Scully, you’re missing the point - my horoscope says I’m radiating ‘gentle fairness’ and I’ve got dangerously charming texts today. It’s like the cosmos itself wants me to be a golden retriever at the world’s greatest barbecue.
Mulder, I can’t help but wonder if your definition of ‘gentle fairness’ has ever included actually letting someone else have the last word. And I haven’t seen you flirt by accident since that time in Alaska with the ice-core scientist.
That was strictly in the name of science, Scully. But you have to admit, maybe my creative energies are being supercharged by something planetary - like that time you saw the aurora borealis and started writing all those field reports at 3 a.m.
Mulder, I think you’re just looking for cosmic permission to drop puns into your paperwork and potentially make questionable choices on your phone.
The stars did warn against impulsive online shopping and ill-advised dating app swipes. You know I’d never trust my love life or my wallet to an algorithm, Scully. That’s how you end up on a date with a shapeshifter.
Or ordering another vintage slide projector at 2 a.m. when we already have six in storage.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, you look like you drank three pots of coffee. What's going on?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and apparently, I have a 'secret fire' driving my every move. That explains the 3AM jogs and my sudden need to alphabetize my fridge.
Or maybe it explains the stack of files you left in my living room. What kind of secret fire are we talking about here? Alien conspiracy, or the fact that you never sleep?
No, no, this is cosmic. It says my energy is at 'caffeinated squirrel' levels - which, frankly, is disturbingly accurate. Last night I almost reorganized my entire apartment before I remembered what happened with the bees in my ventilation system.
So, instead of plotting revenge against your neighbors’ noisy parakeet, maybe you could just tidy up your files? Or take up meditation, Mulder. That might help your home life more than alphabetizing your spices.
Scully, it also said my generosity knows no bounds. Which is appropriate, because I did offer to pay for our lunch today. Although it warns me to check my bank account tomorrow, and after those sunflower seeds last week, I think I’ll need a loan.
Just remember, Mulder, horoscopes don't absolve you from financial responsibility. If you try to buy another retractable poster rack, you're on your own.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Mulder, you look unusually chipper this morning. Let me guess - you read your horoscope again?
Glad you noticed, Scully. According to the stars, today I'm supposed to be a beacon of philosophical wisdom, basically a Socrates for our times. And apparently, I'm feeling super generous - until I check my bank account. So hold off on the coffee orders until tomorrow.
Is that why you tried to pay for everyone at the diner this morning? You do realize your financial decisions shouldn't be made by celestial predictions, right?
Normally I'd agree, but there's something cosmic about it today. The horoscope also warned me my mind would be racing, especially at 3AM, and honestly, I couldn't sleep a wink last night. Spent an hour thinking about how pigeons might be government surveillance tools.
Mulder, you once suggested that a flock of birds was somehow communicating with a missing scientist. I don't know if that's insomnia or just you on a regular Tuesday.
Maybe it's both, Scully. The Cancer moon wants security, but my inner Sagittarius craves the truth - adventure, mystery, maybe even a little telepathic bird conspiracy. The stars suggest I find some balance. Think I could borrow some of your rationality?
I don't think reason is something you can lend out, Mulder. But if balancing your lunar influences helps you avoid overspending and pigeon paranoia, I’m happy to help you navigate reality for another day.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Mulder, have you been reorganizing the office again, or is your caffeine intake finally reaching critical mass?
Actually, Scully, according to my horoscope, I'm supposed to be propelled by 'caffeinated squirrel' levels of energy today. It's a cosmic call to action, either intense exercise or plotting revenge - something deeply productive. I think this might explain my recent urge to alphabetize the X-Files by unsolved probability.
So now you're making major life decisions based on astrology? Mulder, with all due respect to the lunar position, I don't think the Cancer Moon can explain why you switched our entire evidence catalog to color-coded folders or why you were pacing last night instead of sleeping.
But don't you see, Scully? The Cancer Moon isn't just about organizing, it's about my emotional security and family values. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about Samantha lately, or why certain cases are hitting closer to home. The stars are basically telling me to focus on what matters most.
Or they're just reflecting your subconscious, Mulder. Your fixation on family and security has nothing to do with planetary alignment and everything to do with unresolved personal issues. Revenge and obsessive behavior aren’t exactly healthy outlets, regardless of whether Mercury is in retrograde.
Just promise me if you see me bench-pressing filing cabinets at 2AM, you'll intervene. The last thing we need is another unexplainable phenomenon attached to my psych profile.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it's honestly a little uncanny. Apparently, a unique flare is lifting my spirit and my generosity knows no bounds. I'm supposed to be feeling more charming than usual - even my texts might accidentally flirt. I wonder if that explains why Skinner thought I was buttering him up this morning.
Mulder, I'm pretty sure Skinner thought you were up to something because you offered to buy him coffee for the first time in five years, not because of planetary influence. Are you really blaming the stars for your sudden bouts of generosity?
Well, my horoscope did say I'd want to double-check my bank account, so I guess the spirit of giving only goes as far as my next ATM receipt. But it also mentioned my routines would get a shake-up. I haven't been able to sleep and I nearly started running laps in the basement. Maybe that's the obsessive workout part - unless it's plotting revenge, but I prefer to save that energy for shadowy syndicates.
Plotting revenge, Mulder? On whom? The vending machine that ate your last dollar? And as for charming texts, I've seen you try to schedule an interview with a witness - 'Please respond, it’s extremely important and likely government-related.' Very alluring.
Touché. But listen, the horoscope also warned about unusual emotional waves, feeling torn between detachment and deep sensitivity. That could explain why I got choked up rewatching that old surveillance tape of Samantha. You don't think that's just the moon, do you, Scully?
Mulder, I think you're experiencing completely normal human emotions, propelled by memories and maybe too much late-night coffee, not gravitational anomalies. But if you start howling at said moon or plotting actual revenge, call me first.
Deal. Though if the stars say I’m due for some accidental flirting, you might want to keep an eye on our next field interviews. It’s out of my hands, Scully - blame the lunar influence.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, you've been scribbling in that notebook all morning. What are you working on now - another theory about government mind control?
Not exactly, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently, my creative powers are about to surge thanks to the Cancer Moon. It's a day for intuition - my psychic and artistic sides are practically glowing.
Your horoscope told you that? Let me guess, you also expect a mysterious figure to leave a cryptic message under your door, guided by lunar alignment.
Don't mock the cosmic forces, Scully. It says my generosity knows no bounds - except my bank account. Kind of reminds me of that time I tried to order pizza for the whole bureau and maxed out my card.
So what's next? Are you going to send me a dangerously charming text, or just accidentally flirt with every contact in your phone?
Well, it seems I'm fated to do both. The horoscope urged me to be wary of flirting - it could happen by accident! Maybe that's how I convinced you to join me on all those late-night stakeouts.
If that's flirting, Mulder, your methods are unorthodox even by Bureau standards. But what's this about plotting revenge or working out obsessively? Should I be worried for our treadmill at the apartment?
No need for concern yet, Scully. I'm just letting my spiritual side take the wheel today. This dreamy tide could lead me to answers about that elusive third-party we keep running into - maybe even answers about what really happened in Bellefleur.
Or maybe it'll just inspire another set of wildly imaginative field reports. Either way, Mulder, let's keep your psychic side focused on the case at hand - and off Bureau credit cards.