Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it’s spot on. It says that certain pushy people in my life, like the Bureau, are demanding that I do what they want.
Mulder, are you really letting a horoscope dictate how you interpret the demands of your job? That seems a bit... unscientific, even for you.
No, no! This is profound. It suggests I want them to do what I want. It’s this cosmic impasse, Scully! You have to admit there’s a lot of tension coming from Skinner lately.
You mean the usual ‘follow protocol’ tension? You create this idea of cosmic alignment where it’s really just your penchant for defiance.
But think about it! The horoscope said there could be anxiety from this situation. Like the time we faced that whole government cover-up—it was like walking through a minefield with Skinner breathing down my neck!
I remember. But you handled that through investigation and gathering evidence, not by following your daily fortune.
True, but the horoscope encourages me to be tactful but firm. I can push back on their agenda, Scully. It says I’ll make a bigger impression than I think by rising to the challenge.
Impressing the Bureau with a horoscope isn’t your best strategy, Mulder. Maybe focus on the facts and evidence at hand instead of celestial influence.
But don’t you see? The Sun is in a buoyant, enthusiastic place! It's a metaphor! I can expand our investigation in ways I hadn’t even considered before.
So now your investigative strategy hinges on astrological predictions? That’s not what we’d call scientific reasoning, Mulder.
And yet, sometimes, science fails to explain the unexplained. Maybe it’s time to embrace the unconventional!
As long as that unconventionality is grounded in reality, I can support that. Just don’t lose sight of your actual investigative methods.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Scully, you won't believe the horoscope I just read. It says that the planets are aligning to make me examine what's unnecessary in my life.
Mulder, horoscopes are just vague predictions. You can't seriously base life decisions on the alignment of planets.
But it speaks to the cycle of nature! New growth, flowering, decay... it's all part of the grand design. Like how we’ve seen cases that seemed to have concluded but still linger in the shadows.
You mean like that bizarre case with the cryptids? Just because something is unresolved doesn’t mean it’s a sign to act. Sometimes things just are.
Exactly! And that's why I have to let go of what has past its sell-by date. I can’t hold on to the old files or those theories about aliens who might never come back!
So, are you saying you’re going to finally clean out your desk? You might be holding onto more than just old theories.
Scully, the horoscope also warned about focusing on confidential matters—financial and emotional. It’s time for me to really dig deep into those repressed feelings about our work.
That sounds dangerously close to a therapy session, Mulder. Are you sure you want to go there?
Absolutely! If the stars say it’s time to uncover what’s hidden, how can I resist the cosmic call? Maybe it’s about time I acknowledge how much you mean to me…
Now you're mixing planets with personal feelings. Just remember, Mulder, sometimes it’s better to keep some things confidential for a reason.
Scully, the universe conspires for us to confront these truths. I’m ready to embrace change, even if it means dealing with the decay to find new growth!
Alright, just don’t expect me to consult the zodiac before we tackle the next case.
But what if the zodiac is right? It could lead us to a groundbreaking discovery! Maybe it will help us finally unravel the truth about what’s out there.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Scully, you won't believe what my horoscope says today. It’s like a roadmap to my very soul!
Mulder, you know horoscopes are just vague statements. They're not exactly a guide to soul-searching.
But this one is different! It says I need to be flexible and learn from life. This could explain why I got so much flak for the incident with the Mothman case.
Flak is one thing, but maybe you should focus on not unintentionally provoking cryptids next time.
See? That’s the feedback my horoscope is talking about! I need to be secure enough in my identity to change my behavior, and you’re already helping!
Mulder, changing your behavior is one thing, but connecting your horoscope to actual cases is another.
Well, it continues! It says I should focus on togetherness to find happiness, both at home and at work. How can you argue with that?
I don’t need a horoscope to know that teamwork is important, Mulder. We make a good team because we balance each other out.
Exactly! So it’s practically a cosmic validation of our partnership. Maybe the universe is on our side to uncover that conspiracy with the soulless aliens.
Or maybe you’re reading too much into it again. Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but horoscopes are not a substitute for actual investigation.
That’s true, but if I align myself with the universe’s wisdom, just imagine the breakthroughs we could have! We could even share a round of coffee with some little green men.
I’ll stick to coffee with you, Mulder, and leave the little green men where they belong—on your wish list.
Come on, just think about it, Scully! I could alter my attitudes and behaviors—be more collaborative, empathetic. It’ll be a whole new Mulder!
If that ‘new Mulder’ comes with fewer conspiracy theories, I might actually be on board.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Scully, you won’t believe what I just read in my horoscope. It says there are tensions in relationships at work, and I think it’s talking about us!
Mulder, I think your horoscope might be a little too broad to apply specifically to our partnership.
No, hear me out. It says we need to find a way out of these differences without making it too obvious. That’s classic X-Files intrigue, right?
Right, but that doesn’t mean we’re at odds. Sometimes, tension can simply mean a difference in perspective.
Exactly! So we have to find a middle way. Maybe we should start practicing our mind meld techniques like with that telepath we encountered.
You mean the one who was using mind control? I’d rather not be subjected to that again, thanks.
Scully, the horoscope also says I need to knuckle down dutifully to work until the end of the week. This could be about alien conspiracies too!
Sure, if you can make a connection between diet, exercise, and extraterrestrial activity.
It’s all interconnected! If I improve my lifestyle, maybe I’ll unlock hidden dimensions of the universe. I could even outrun a swarm of alien bees!
If your solution to a busy week is to exercise more to stave off imaginary threats, we might still have a problem.
You don’t understand, Scully! This is serious. We could be out there fighting the good fight and you know, the horoscope says rest is crucial. Even the FBI needs its agents to recharge.
So, what’s your plan? Are you going to start meditating and doing yoga on my desk?
It might just give us an edge in the next case! You’ll see. This horoscope is not just a piece of nonsense—it's a cosmic guide!
Fine, but if you start seeing little green men in your yoga class, I’m not saving your spot.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and it’s spot on. It says today’s cosmic alignments are going to create some intense moods in close relationships.
Mulder, you really believe that? You think the alignment of planets is going to change the way we work together today?
Absolutely! It’s not just about the planets; it’s about the universal energy! I’m feeling the need to get down to the roots of the issues, especially after everything we’ve been through.
Like the roots of that alien conspiracy we’ve been following? Or are you referring to the mysteries behind your obsession with the truth?
Exactly! It’s clear to me that I can’t accept superficial explanations anymore. It’s a day for digging deep, like when we had to sift through all those government files.
And what about feeling stuck? You really think your horoscope is saying we’re facing intractable dilemmas?
Yes! It’s part of a clearing process. It means we have to let go of the inessentials in our lives, Scully. Like that time with the rogue agent who was feeding us misleading information.
You do realize that a horoscope can be vague enough to apply to anyone's life? You might be reading too much into it.
But what if Pluto is really dampening our spirits? I mean, remember that time we faced a psychological experiment that manipulated our fears? This could be the same.
Mulder, I think worrying about the position of Pluto is a little far-fetched, don’t you? We should focus on real evidence, not astrological influences.
Evidence? Maybe the evidence is in how I feel, Scully. I just know we need to tackle what's blocking us today. The stars are aligned for us!
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Scully, you won’t believe what my horoscope says today! It’s practically a roadmap for our next case.
If it’s anything like the last case you thought was in the stars, I’m interested but skeptical.
It says that whatever has become confused or delayed around me needs a sensible strategy to get it rolling again. It’s like it knows we’re dealing with the aftermath of that strange anomaly in last week’s case.
Anomalies and delays are part of our job, Mulder. But attributing them to your horoscope? That’s a stretch.
Not if you consider the cosmic forces at play! It even says I might feel puzzled initially but perseverance will yield answers. This is a sign!
Or it’s just you trying to rationalize the chaos we often find ourselves in. The universe doesn’t hold your hand, Mulder.
But Scully, it specifically suggests a grand clear out! Perhaps it’s time we declutter our evidence locker—imagine the secrets we could rediscover!
So we’re going to waste time cleaning up when we have a case to solve? I admire your optimism, but let’s focus on the task at hand.
A happy home life and contented surroundings are important right now, Scully! Imagine how much more effective we could be without all that clutter weighing us down.
If you think clearing out a few old cases is going to improve our effectiveness, I beg to differ. The answers are out there, not in our storage.
You’re missing the point! It’s about taking stock, stepping back from our busy schedule! We can’t fight the forces of the universe without some cosmic organization!
Or perhaps we should focus on finding those forces instead of relying on astrology to guide us, Mulder.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Scully, you won't believe the revelation I just had! My horoscope says that powerful pressures are working behind the scenes, ready to turn my life around!
Mulder, you really put too much faith into those things. What makes you think you can depend on a horoscope to reflect reality?
But it says *very soon* I’ll look back and realize that my efforts made a real difference! This is cosmic validation for all our cases, especially the ones where we fought against the odds!
Or it could just mean that you need to prioritize your time more effectively. You can't rely on some vague predictions to justify your work, Mulder.
Ah, but Scully, it’s all about the energy around me! You know, like when we faced that entity that fed off our fears. What if I’m on the verge of breaking through a whole new realm of understanding?
Understanding is earned through research and evidence, not through nebulous planetary alignments. And what's this about being 'doubly restless'? Sounds like you just need a hobby.
No, no! It means the universe is pushing me to find new outlets! I can't be cooped up in the office; I need to pursue the truth out there! We have obligations to fulfill, after all.
Sure, we have obligations, but don't let some celestial influence distort your judgment. Focus on what you can control.
Scully, you’re just not seeing the bigger picture! If I follow the horoscope, it’s like fulfilling a prophecy! You’ve got to admit, the universe can work in mysterious ways, just like those times we barely escaped.
I’ll admit there are mysteries, Mulder, but I’m not going to base my decisions on astrology. The truth you seek won't be found among the stars.
Maybe, but just wait! Once this Pluto influence passes, I’ll be skipping around, feeling unstoppable! You’ll end up wanting to join me!
I won't hold my breath, Mulder. But if you start skipping around, I’m definitely going to document it for the records.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Scully, you won't believe what I just read in my horoscope. It's telling me I have to let go of old patterns that have been holding me back. Especially with money.
Mulder, you do realize that horoscopes are just vague suggestions, right? They're not exactly scientifically proven.
But it's about change! It says it's never simple, especially psychologically. Remember the time we encountered that cult? They were trapped in old ways of thinking.
Yes, but you're not in a cult, Mulder. You're just trying to manage your finances. Why not focus on solid evidence?
Evidence? I’m all for it, but this is about abandoning what's not in my best interests. Like those endless late-night pizza runs, or ignoring my budget.
I can't argue with a pizza argument, but do you really think your horoscope knows your finances better than you do?
It says I need to redouble my efforts to get my budget into ship shape. Maybe I should look into some high-interest accounts, or a side gig involving alien artifacts.
I hope you're not thinking of arranging a yard sale of alleged alien remnants, Mulder. That won't exactly scream 'financial security.'
You say that, but think about it. If I sell just one of those items, I could finally earn more and have a more secure financial base. It's written in the stars!
Or you could just cut back on your expenses and stop hoarding questionable memorabilia. You know, typical financial advice.
Exactly! It's like we’re preparing for an alien invasion of the wallet. And the horoscope says I need to be prepared. See?
Mulder, if you're relying on a horoscope to determine your financial strategy, I can't imagine what would happen if your 'star signs' disagreed with the IRS.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it says I need to wind down. Apparently, staying cheerful despite the circumstances is my best bet right now.
And just how are you planning to do that, Mulder? With your usual dive into the latest conspiracy?
Exactly! The universe is telling me to stay calm and serene. It's all about navigating through the chaos, like when we stumbled upon that subterranean cult.
That was hardly a serene situation, Mulder. You almost got us into a full-blown confrontation.
But think about it, Scully! The horoscope also says that my birthday sign will help bounce me into higher gear when obstacles appear. I have no intention of being held back!
Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Just because your stars align doesn’t mean you should race headfirst into danger.
Come on, Scully! Where there's a will, there's a way. Just picture it; me, breezing through the trappings of this investigation with a smile.
More like you will be dashing headlong into trouble, probably with an expression that is anything but cheerful.
See? It’s all about mindset! If I can just stay cheerful while you deal with the sulky witnesses, I might just float right through.
You can float, Mulder, but I’d prefer to keep my feet firmly on the ground—before you accidentally get us both locked in a dark basement again.
Sagittarius
December 22 - January 19
Scully, you have to hear this. I just read my horoscope and it’s practically a prophecy! It says I need to wind down and stay cheerful. Sounds like it’s an endorsement for my quest.
A horoscope? Really, Mulder? You think the alignment of stars can guide your investigative instincts?
Absolutely! It says I should stay calm and serene. Imagine the potential if I just breeze through all the sulky atmospheres we've encountered—like with that agent who kept questioning our methods.
Mulder, calming down doesn’t mean ignoring the facts. Just because the stars say remain cheerful doesn’t change what’s actually out there.
But Scully, listen! It explicitly says I won’t be held back this week! Where there’s a will, there’s a way. This is cosmic support for finding the truth!
Or cosmic support for you to misread a situation. What if this is just your way of glossing over the real tension?
No, no! This is fate encouraging me to tackle obstacles head-on! Like when we faced those super soldiers. I didn’t back down, did I?
You didn’t back down because that was life or death, Mulder. This is different. You can’t always smile your way through tough times.
But that’s where the magic happens! If I manage to stay cheerful, I can tackle anything. The universe is aligning for me!
Just remember, Mulder, the universe doesn’t send messages just to you. It’s all about balance. Use that will, but don’t forget logic.
Ah, logic and balance. The perfect metric against my newfound cosmic cheerfulness. But still, I’m embarking on this positivity trip!
If that helps you stay focused, Mulder, then who am I to stand in the way? Just don’t forget why we’re here—we’re in pursuit of the truth.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Scully, you won't believe what I just read in my horoscope. It says if friends or teammates are pushing me around, I shouldn't let them!
Mulder, you know horoscopes are just vague statements designed to apply to anyone, right? Besides, you always think everyone's out to get you.
But it also says I shouldn't get pulled into their tactics! I mean, look at how we dealt with that whole conspiracy last week. Subtle ingenuity, Scully! That's the key.
Subtle ingenuity? Or reckless behavior? Sometimes trying to outsmart the people around you just leads to more chaos, Mulder.
No, no, hear me out! If I can find a third way, I’ll emerge triumphant! Like when we found a way to flip the evidence against that rogue agent!
That was because we did our research, Mulder. Not because of cosmic forces telling you to find a hidden path.
Okay, maybe you're right. But the horoscope also acknowledges that I want to be part of the crowd, in work and leisure activities. That’s important too!
Wanting to fit in is one thing, but compromising your principles just to go along with a group is another entirely.
You don’t get it. Sometimes you have to play the game to win the war. The horoscope is just guiding me to navigate the battlefield of friendships, Scully.
Maybe you should see it more as a metaphor for life instead of a roadmap. People aren't just pieces on a chessboard, Mulder.
But what if the chess pieces are plotting against me? The stars might just be my last line of defense!
Or it might just be a reminder to trust your instincts and make your own choices. Leave the cosmic excuses behind, Mulder.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Scully, you won't believe the horoscope I just read. It says I shouldn't lose my sense of humor. Can you imagine? Humor in the midst of the paranormal?
Mulder, you take your horoscope too seriously. How does a few vague statements about humor apply to our current investigation?
No, no, hear me out! It goes on to say that a joke can break tension. You know how tense it gets when we're up against some shadowy figures or extraterrestrial conspiracies.
You’re saying a punchline is going to help us crack a case? That sounds... unlikely, even for you.
The horoscope also warns about standing firm leading to a stalemate, Scully. Remember that time we were caught between two rival factions over that artifact? No one would budge.
That was a hazardous situation, Mulder. Our jokes at the time wouldn’t have changed the outcome.
But look at me! I'm ambitious, just like it says! I mean, maybe it gives some cosmic validation to my relentless pursuit of the truth. I need to aim for a more prominent position, right?
True ambition shouldn't come from a horoscope. And overplaying your hand could lead to us getting into hot water, just like with that cult last fall.
Exactly! I have to be careful not to push too far too fast! I can't afford to scare off potential allies in this quest for truth, like Sperm Whale was almost the last time.
So, you’re telling me you’re taking all of this—what's the word? Astrological guidance—to heart while hunting down actual monsters?
Absolutely! It’s not just about the monsters, Scully. It’s a state of mind. If the stars say to keep my humor intact, then I'll use it to shine a light on the shadows.
Just be cautious about mixing astrology with investigation, Mulder. You might invite more trouble than the truth.
Who knows? Maybe the universe is just waiting for me to crack a joke to reveal the answers we seek. It's all connected, right? Just like the patterns in those unsolved cases...