Aries
March 21 - April 19
You seem...unusually upbeat today, Mulder. Did you finally see the cafeteria switch to organic coffee?
No, Scully, it's much bigger than that. I just read my horoscope - apparently, the Sun conjoining Venus means my charm and creativity are off the charts. It's supposed to be a banner day for making brave choices and seizing career opportunities. You know what that means.
It means you’re going to submit another requisition for an untested lie detector or you’ll be charming Skinner out of paperwork?
No, I’m thinking broader than paperwork - cosmic, even. Maybe today’s the day people will actually believe me when I say I encountered something… otherworldly. The universe practically demands I socialize, engage in artistic pursuits, maybe even - dare I say - compromise on a partnership. Sound familiar?
Mulder, you realize celestial bodies aren’t responsible for you dragging me into another midnight stakeout. Partnerships do involve compromise, though, so I suppose I’ll drive. Does your horoscope specify whether you’re supposed to find aliens before or after lunch?
Actually, it suggests channeling all this energy and determination into collaborative projects - maybe a creative investigation, you and me, like that time we found those crop circles outside D.C. Only this time, with even more cosmic alignment.
As long as your ‘cosmic alignment’ involves paperwork and less mud than last time, I might consider it. But Mulder, you know you don’t need planetary conjunctions to fuel your enthusiasm - it’s an inexhaustible resource all on its own.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You seem rather upbeat this morning, Mulder. Dare I ask - did you get enough sleep, or did you come across something particularly compelling in the daily paper?
I prefer to call it cosmic guidance, Scully. According to my horoscope, today the Sun is conjunct with Venus, which boosts my innate charm and creative abilities. Apparently, it’s an excellent day for me to socialize - or woo someone, perhaps over a watercolor session.
So, the stars are telling you to throw on your nicest tie and make new friends? That's hardly groundbreaking, even for you. If we followed your horoscope every day, we'd never get any work done.
It’s more nuanced than you think, Scully. The celestial forces are enhancing my beliefs, my restless curiosity. Passion and desire are, quote, 'intensified,' which could explain my sudden urge to investigate the romantic leanings of our shapeshifting acquaintances.
Or perhaps it just means you've had too much coffee. Don’t you think it’s a bit dangerous when horoscopes advise impulsive actions? That’s usually how things go wrong - remember the last time you followed your passion straight into a sewer full of flukemen?
Exactly. I’m being warned to balance indulgence with practical stability. Venusian harmony, they call it. Maybe if I’d listened in the past, I’d keep my impulsive visits to shadowy informants to a minimum and focus on aesthetically pleasing partnerships. You and me, Scully - we can strike that balance.
I see, so now the alignment of planets is a substitute for caution and prudence. If by 'aesthetic collaborations' you mean filing our reports on time for once, then I fully support your new approach - celestially inspired or not.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you look... oddly cheerful this morning. Dare I ask if this has something to do with your horoscope again?
Scully, I just read that today is the day my lively ideas will brighten my path. With the sun and Venus joining forces, it's like a cosmic green light for my charm and creativity. I'm basically a magnet for socializing and romance right now.
Uh-huh. Remind me to keep an eye out for any unexplained surges in passion and desire. But Mulder, isn’t it possible that you’re attributing a normal Tuesday to the movements of planetary bodies because you want to see meaning in chaos?
Come on, Scully, you can’t deny there’s something in the air. The horoscope warned me to be mindful of impulsive actions - and you remember what happened the last time I made an impulsive decision during a lunar event. It landed us waist-deep in quicksand, and I still blame lunar influence for Krycek showing up at that diner.
Or it could be that you ordered the most suspicious thing on the menu and caught the attention of trouble, as usual. Diplomatic negotiations? Are you planning to charm Skinner into giving us some downtime with the power of Venus on your side?
Skinner never stood a chance, Scully. I’m telling you, the Air signs are out in force today - communication is supposed to be at its finest. Maybe now's the time to finally crack that bureaucratic mess in Records. Or get you to admit you actually enjoyed that night at the art exhibit.
Let's just hope the only dynamic and exciting relationship you enter today is with a case file rather than unexplained phenomena. Just remember, Mulder - the stars might align, but the paperwork still needs your signature.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You seem unusually preoccupied today, Mulder. Did you find another conspiracy with your morning bagel?
Actually, Scully, I was just reviewing my horoscope, and it’s all becoming clear. Protective instincts are supposed to guide me today. Which makes sense, considering how often I’ve had to drag you out of questionable situations involving shape-shifting assassins.
I think I can handle myself, Mulder. Don’t you think putting all your faith in a horoscope is a little... overconfident?
That’s exactly what it warned against: overconfidence. I’m supposed to balance my optimism with practical considerations, especially when it comes to relationships. Like, say, a stubborn partner who refuses to accept the existence of psychic vampires.
If you’re using your horoscope to justify another late-night drive to the middle of nowhere, I hope it also warned you against overindulgence. Some of us need more than coffee and paranoia to survive, Mulder.
You know, Scully, it did say to balance pleasure with responsibility in love and finances. Maybe that means we should expense fewer hotel rooms this month.
Or maybe it means you should show some moderation when you follow hunches that lead to haunted doll factories. Did your stars mention anything about burning out your partner?
Funny you mention that. They warned about overextension of Cancer energy and burning out if I don’t set realistic limits. Which must be why I feel so drained after reviewing autopsy photos with you for eight hours straight.
So is your horoscope suggesting we aim for domestic harmony next time we interrogate a suspect in a double-wide trailer?
Lunar influences encourage emotional fairness and balancing my needs with yours, Scully. Maybe we can both agree to less overextension... and fewer road trips to places with questionable plumbing.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You look unusually chipper this morning, Mulder. What's going on? Let me guess - another late-night revelation?
Not quite, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently, there's a 'golden glow' lifting my spirit today. The Sun's conjunct with Venus, enhancing my charm and creativity. Sounds like the universe is preparing me for greatness - or at least, a decent day.
Mulder, you do realize horoscopes are written to be vague enough to apply to anyone, right? How is a planetary alignment going to affect your so-called charm and creative output?
It’s not just about me, Scully. The stars say I should be engaging in artistic activities and maybe even taking advantage of some ‘romantic encounters.’ For all we know, today could be the day I finally convince Skinner to let us redecorate the office or, dare I say, talk him into a game of office charades.
I think Skinner would sooner assign us to another bee farm before he agreed to charades, but go on. What else does the universe have planned for you?
Apparently, this cosmic energy surge is supposed to make my daily routines more... productive. I'm primed to channel my drive into physical activity, maybe even finally update those ancient case files in the basement. Or we could take a nice, energetic jog - perhaps past a few well-lit cornfields, just to keep the adrenaline up.
Sounds more like wishful thinking than a reliable forecast. But don't let me stop you. If the moon's influence boosts both your drama and your diplomacy, maybe you'll finally find a way to collaborate with someone without questioning whether they're an alien in disguise.
I prefer to think of it as sharing the spotlight, Scully. Like that time you had my back with that faux psychic - turns out partnerships really do shine when we balance the drama with a touch of grace. The stars just confirmed what I've always suspected: we're better together, especially when things get a little theatrical.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You seem unusually upbeat this morning, Mulder. What's got you so energized - let me guess, did you see another mysterious symbol in your coffee foam?
Not exactly, Scully. I read my horoscope - Virgo energy is coursing through me today. The Sun and Mercury are apparently working together to sharpen my mind and give me the power of ‘steady precision.’ It’s basically cosmic authorization to chase every detail.
And you actually believe your mind is sharper just because the planets are supposedly aligned a certain way?
Scully, when the solar system hands you clarity, you don’t ignore it. My horoscope said it’s the perfect time to express ideas with confidence - and make important decisions, especially involving creative pursuits. I’m feeling inspired to revisit a few old files we never closed. Maybe even track down that guy selling haunted dolls again.
If this is like the last time you ‘felt inspired,’ remind me to hide the microfilm. And please don’t tell me Venus is also telling you that you’re charming today.
Actually, yes. Sun conjunct Venus, Scully. If you notice me being extra magnetic, just know I’m channeling interplanetary charisma. It might even come in handy for... diplomatically negotiating with our friend in the basement archives.
Or maybe before you let your astrological ego drive the investigation, you consider that thoughtful analysis - not cosmic influence - usually leads to harmonious solutions. Maybe we can use that to discuss our working relationship. Or our running regimen, since word is you’re still ducking your physical evaluations.
Lunar influence says partnerships focused on health are supposed to be beneficial right now, Scully. Maybe it’s a sign I should finally accept your offer to try yoga and eat fewer sunflower seeds.
If the stars get you on the treadmill, Mulder, I’ll start believing in retrograde.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, you seem unusually upbeat today. What's gotten into you?
Scully, you're speaking to a man bathed in the harmonious cosmic flow of a Sun-Venus conjunction. According to my horoscope, my charm and creativity are vibrating at, frankly, unprecedented levels. I'm expecting great things - maybe even a breakthrough in our next case or a visit from the enigmatic Smoking Man bearing peace offerings.
You're saying the position of the planets is responsible for your mood? Mulder, you do realize that's not exactly a scientifically verifiable explanation for your sudden optimism?
Normally I'd agree, Scully, but today is different. The stars claim it's a perfect time for socializing, romantic endeavors, and artistic pursuits. That explains my burning urge to both discuss the paranormal over dinner and start sketching alien landscapes. I think that means we're going to crack open some truths - maybe even in the comfort of our own home offices.
And the stars also told you not to act impulsively? Because last time you followed your so-called intuition, we ended up knee-deep in mysterious red liquid - and not the kind that comes from a bottle.
Exactly! But this time, the lunar homecoming is in my sign. It means my relationship skills are at their peak, and my taste is allegedly impeccable. Think of it, Scully: no more questionable snack choices on stakeouts and only the finest in impromptu conspiratorial banter.
So if I find you arranging thumbtacks on a corkboard into a perfect Fibonacci spiral, I'll know the lunar influence is to blame? I'll believe it when I see this surge in your aesthetic judgment.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
You’re awfully energized this morning, Mulder. Forget your decaf again?
Scully, it’s more than caffeine. I consulted the stars, and according to my horoscope, I’m running on a - get this - ‘magnetic pull.’ It’s like I’m being supercharged by cosmic energy.
Or you’re just restless because Skinner handed us weekend case notes. What exactly do you think this magnetic pull is supposed to accomplish?
It says I should channel it into something productive or physical, like there’s some hidden reservoir of determination waiting to be unleashed. I plan to use that drive to finally organize those files in the basement - and maybe chase down a few cryptids while I’m at it.
So the universe is compelling you to clean your desk and hunt monsters? That’s convenient. Anything else your horoscope predicts?
Apparently passion and desire are intensified - so don’t be surprised if I get a little carried away grilling witnesses or, you know, pursuing the truth. It also warns me to watch out for impulsive actions. You remember what happened with that shapeshifter in Baltimore...
I remember you jumping right into the line of fire without backup. I’d call that impulsive. Did your horoscope mention anything about caution or common sense?
Not exactly, but it did say I need transparent partnerships. No secrets, Scully. Guess that means you have to spill how you always know where I stashed the sunflower seeds.
It’s called observation, Mulder. Maybe that’s your real magnetic pull - toward trouble. But if your cosmic energy keeps us both out of paperwork, I’ll take it. Just promise me you’ll resist any sudden urge to storm abandoned buildings alone this time.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You seem unusually cheerful, Mulder. Did something good happen, or did you just discover some new crop circles?
Not crop circles today, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently, free winds are steering my journey. I think the universe is urging me to embrace my innate charm and creativity, which, judging by recent events, might finally get some proper recognition.
Your horoscope, Mulder? I didn’t realize you aligned your career with Venus. How exactly are you planning to use this supposed surge in charisma - join an art class, or just finally convince Skinner to sign your travel requests?
Well, it says romantic encounters and socializing are in the cards for me, Scully. Maybe I should take you out for a cultural adventure. Besides, shared adventures apparently benefit romantic relationships. It might even be good for the case file.
I was under the impression that investigating alien abductions was adventure enough. And let’s not pretend your energy comes from anything other than bottomless coffee.
You underestimate cosmic influence. The Sun conjunct Venus doesn’t happen every day. It’s practically a celestial coded message. It could mean a breakthrough in our philosophical connections - or that I finally win you over to the idea the truth is out there.
If your horoscope told you to channel your determination into productive tasks, why do I have the feeling we’ll be chasing lights in the sky by sunset?
Because, Scully, sometimes truly understanding the unknown requires following the wind wherever it leads - even if that's to a remote town in the middle of nowhere after a tip from a mysterious informant. Maybe you’ll see, this time, that the stars aren’t just up there for decoration.
Sagittarius
December 22 - January 19
Scully, you ever get the feeling the universe is trying to nudge us along a particular path? According to my horoscope, the free winds are steering my journey today. Not just a gentle breeze, either - something cosmic.
Are you saying you’re mapping out our day based on astrology now, Mulder? Because I’m fairly certain the only wind in this office right now is from the broken air vent.
That’s exactly what someone with the Moon in Taurus would say. But listen, the Sun’s conjunct Venus - apparently, my charm and creativity are off the charts right now. Which means it could be the perfect time for us to mingle. Maybe even brush up on some undercover work or, dare I say, an artistic stakeout.
Mulder, I sincerely doubt that planetary alignment will make your paperwork more captivating. And unless Venus is providing you with actual evidence, I’ll stick to forensic reports over horoscopes.
Energy and determination running high, too. This horoscope says today’s ideal for physical activity and productive tasks, so maybe we should investigate that abandoned theater downtown. Who knows, Scully? Maybe creative energies will help us decipher those odd symbols we found. Or at the very least, I won’t nod off during autopsies.
I’ll believe that last part when I see it. But if you’re insisting on the theater, just remember - last time you followed a celestial omen, we ended up in a sewer with an alligator. Philosophy and adventure aside, let’s make sure this time we’re prepared.
That’s the spirit, Scully. Besides, it says here that philosophical connections are thriving today. Maybe we’ll finally agree on something - besides the taste in coffee. And if romance benefits from shared adventure, well... might as well keep an open mind, right?
Let’s just hope your romantic notions don’t involve another poltergeist or alien implant. Philosophical debates, however, I can manage.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, are you actually reading your horoscope right now, or is that another classified briefing on the latest paranormal anomaly?
No, Scully, this is important. Listen to this - 'Visionary vibes fuel your spirit.' I think these astrological influences could be pushing my investigative instincts into overdrive today. The Sun is conjunct Venus, which apparently enhances my charm and creativity. I expect big breakthroughs.
Enhances your charm? So, what, you’re planning on charming the next shapeshifter we encounter into confessing?
I’m just saying, if today is especially good for socializing and artistic activities, it could be the perfect time for us to connect some spiritual dots - maybe even persuade an otherwise secretive informant to open up. You remember how Deep Throat always picked the right moment? It's all about cosmic timing, Scully.
Mulder, ‘cosmic timing’ isn't responsible for your investigative wins - meticulous field work is. Though I admit, your indefatigable energy seems a bit… elevated today. Don’t tell me you’re blaming that on the lunar influence too?
Actually, yes! The horoscope says group collaborations and unconventional partnerships thrive right now, so maybe that’s a sign you should trust my instincts for once. Balance individuality with togetherness - like that time we worked with the Lone Gunmen. It worked, didn’t it?
That depends on your definition of ‘worked,’ Mulder. But if this planetary alignment keeps you focused and productive, far be it from me to argue with the universe. Just try channeling that powerful drive into finishing your overdue paperwork first.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You look deep in thought, Mulder. Is it another message from the beyond, or did you just read something in the paper again?
Funny you should ask, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently I’m under the enchantment of a whisper of magic today. It says my optimism could lead to dangerous overconfidence.
Let me guess - you're interpreting that as a sign to keep chasing leads with no evidence? Or should I brace myself for an alien proposal at dinner?
I’m serious, Scully. It literally warned me about missteps - like if I get too caught up in the pleasure of the pursuit, it could affect our, uh, social connections. You know, like what happened when we trusted those informants in Russia. Or when Krycek showed up.
Mulder, those weren't cosmic missteps. Those were people with criminal records. And just because you’re feeling mystical today doesn’t mean you should ignore practical considerations - like evidence.
Balance is important, Scully. That’s what it says - pleasure and responsibility in love and finance. Maybe I’ve been overindulging in sunflower seeds and late-night conspiracy videos. The stars think I need moderation. And boundaries.
Boundaries? Remind me of that the next time you drag me out to a cornfield at midnight. Lunar influence or not, Mulder, you still need to check your sources.
It also mentioned artistic partnerships flowing beautifully. So maybe our teamwork is about to hit another creative stride. Unless, of course, you think the moon has nothing to do with our case files.
I think our creative stride has more to do with logic and a solid work ethic than lunar cycles. But if it keeps you optimistic, Mulder, I’ll get you a telescope. Deal?