Aries
March 21 - April 19
Mulder, you seem oddly energetic today. Are you actually moving furniture around, or are you plotting your next conspiracy?
Funny you should ask, Scully. According to my horoscope, today is colored by 'a burst of bravery.' So if you catch me doing push-ups or secretly mapping out a plan to overthrow the shadow government, now you know why.
Mulder, are you seriously taking directions from the moon now? What's next - aligning your dietary habits with Mars retrograde?
Don't discount the lunar influence, Scully. I mean, did you see what happened to that agent after the full moon last year? Anyway, my horoscope says my texts are 'dangerously smooth' today. Just a fair warning in case I accidentally charm the truth out of an informant. Or you.
I highly doubt you're going to involuntarily flirt your way into a confession, Mulder. And for the record, impulsive decisions haven't exactly worked out well for us in the past. Remember the bees?
Point taken, but torn between impulsive action and careful planning? That sounds like every day on this job. One minute I'm diving into secret files, the next I'm questioning my life choices - like whether to trust Krycek, or bring an extra flashlight.
Just try not to let your astrological bravado get us both into trouble. Or set off another chain of mysterious events. Please.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You look unusually upbeat this morning, Mulder. Are you expecting little green men to invite you to brunch, or is there another explanation?
Scully, you won't believe it, but my horoscope says I'm surrounded by grounded energy today. Which, if you'll recall, might finally keep me from being abducted - at least until after lunch.
That would certainly be a first. Let me guess - the stars also told you that your latest theory about psychic cows would be recognized by the scientific community?
No, but they did say my texts are dangerously smooth today. Apparently someone is getting flirted with, whether they like it or not. I think that means my approach with Skinner for more resources is going to be extra… persuasive.
You think astrology is going to help your career ambitions? I’d say your so-called 'emotionally constipated' day is just business as usual for you, Mulder.
Ah, but sudden emotional insights are forecasted, Scully. Maybe I'll finally understand my own mysterious motives. You could say I’m preparing for my own internal Smoking Man revelations.
Or perhaps you’ll just stare at the ceiling until another clue falls from the light fixture. The only thing steady and practical about today, Mulder, is your ongoing refusal to accept rational explanations.
But that's exactly it, Scully. The lunar influence says I feel emotionally secure and grounded. It could be a sign that I’m finally ready to let go of my baggage - unless, of course, it’s the usual government-issued baggage following me everywhere.
Just keep your grounded energy away from the official email system, all right? I'd rather not explain to accounting why you’re sending 'dangerously smooth' texts to everyone in the FBI.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Hey Scully, I just read my horoscope and apparently, today I've got dangerously smooth charm - I’m talking texts so slick they could make the Cigarette Smoking Man admit he’s got feelings.
Mulder, do you really think a horoscope predicts your texting skills? The only danger here is you stepping on your own foot with one of your conspiracy theories.
That’s the whole thing, Scully! It says my beliefs and learning are on the line - like I’m supposed to flirt with trouble itself. Maybe I’ll finally get that elusive truth, or maybe I’ll just upset someone in the bureau again.
Or maybe you’ll say the wrong thing at the wrong time, as usual. Are you sure you’re not just projecting this horoscope onto your approach to our next case?
It specifically mentions being attracted to someone problematic. Are you suggesting if I run into someone with black oil eyes, I should just walk away?
I’m suggesting you keep your emotions in check and your thoughts a little more organized, Mulder. Otherwise, you’ll end up anxious about more than government cover-ups.
Under this lunar influence, who knows? Maybe flirting with danger is the only way to uncover the truth. Besides, anxiety keeps me on my toes.
Just promise me you won't try to charm any more of our suspects. Not everyone responds well to your idea of 'bright banter.'
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, why do you keep looking at me like you’re about to confess to a crime of the heart?
Scully, according to the cosmic alignments today, I’m apparently supposed to abandon all emotional boundaries and become - wait for it - warmly sensitive. It says I’m emotionally constipated and need to just, you know... let it out.
Emotionally constipated? That’s a new one, even for you, Mulder. Are you going to finally tell me what really happened in that forest outside Bellefleur?
Maybe I will, Scully. The stars demand it. I’m basically a wide-open emotional book right now, brimming with sudden insights. If I start crying, just roll with it. Mercury and the Moon have my communication wires all exposed.
If you start crying, should I be concerned about lunar-induced brain parasites, or is this just because you read your horoscope over your sunflower seeds?
It’s more about expressing love in practical ways, Scully. Constructive nurturing. I’m supposed to communicate differently today - think less ‘deadpan sarcasm,’ more ‘nurturing, analytical concern.’ Maybe that explains why I asked you about your mother three times before coffee.
Mulder, if the only thing the universe wants is for you to be less emotionally repressed, we’ll need more than just lunar influence. But, for the record, I don’t mind a little sensitivity - so long as you don’t start hugging every suspect.
No promises, Scully. I feel like I’m one close encounter away from a breakthrough. I’m just following the horoscope’s advice: boundaries are overrated and heart-on-sleeve is in. Now, tell me about your feelings regarding the autopsy report.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, why are you looking at your phone like you just decoded a government cipher?
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and apparently a 'regal spark' is burning inside me today. That means I'm either working out like a beast or plotting world domination. I don't think it's the gym, so -
If this is about you trying out those new push-ups in the basement again, I'm going to need photographic evidence, Mulder. Or will we be fending off another shadowy cabal by lunch?
No, no, hear me out! My texts are supposed to be 'dangerously smooth.' It's astrology, Scully - the universe practically demands that someone gets flirted with, willing or not.
So, let me get this straight: You're blaming the lunar cycle when you inevitably put your foot in your mouth today during the briefing with Skinner?
Possibly. But apparently, I seek admiration and prefer to show emotions through acts of service. Maybe that's why I keep picking up your coffee or risking alien spores for science.
Or maybe you just like an excuse to be overdramatic, much like a certain shapeshifter we once chased. I have to say, Mulder, if you were trying to flirt, I'd hope the universe would give me a clearer warning than planetary alignment.
Scully, you have to admit, if anyone's going to end up inadvertently charming a suspect through cosmic influence, it's probably me. If I trip over my own words in the process, just assume Mars is in retrograde.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You seem unusually optimistic for a Monday, Mulder. Did you finally get some sleep or did you read something in the newspaper again?
I checked my horoscope this morning, Scully. It said my texts are dangerously smooth today, so I might inadvertently charm someone - maybe even you.
Dangerously smooth? Are you planning to flirt your way into classified files now, or should I warn Skinner?
You never know, Scully. Maybe my silver tongue will finally convince the Lone Gunmen to lend us their van again. It also said I should watch my mouth. Apparently, foot, meet mouth - so maybe I’ll get us in trouble instead.
That would hardly be a first, Mulder. According to your horoscope, this affects your daily routine. Should I brace myself for spontaneous outbursts in the lab?
More like spontaneous revelations, Scully. Plus, the horoscope claims there’s a lunar influence making today highly efficient - I’m supposed to focus on organization and practical solutions. Maybe we’ll finally find my missing desk chair.
Organization and practical solutions. I suppose that means you’ll be creating a new filing system for your photos of that weird fungus you found in Oregon.
When the moon tells you to be efficient, you don’t question it, Scully. Although, it did mention something about being emotionally constipated. So if I seem cold today, blame the stars.
I prefer to blame your coffee consumption, Mulder. But if you’re about to say something you’ll regret, at least try not to do it in front of the Deputy Director.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, you look unusually cheerful. Please don't tell me you found more unidentified residues in the break room.
You'd be surprised, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently, my texts are dangerously smooth today. So, if you get an unsolicited emoji, blame the stars.
Your texts are always suspicious, Mulder. What else does the universe have in store for you - an alien love note?
No, but it says I'm destined to flirt with someone, whether they like it or not. I wouldn't want to ignore such cosmic instructions. I mean, would you believe that's what drives my creative genius?
Are you sure it's not just coffee and lack of sleep driving your 'creative genius'? Anyway, I highly doubt planetary positions can make you flirtatious.
Ah, but the lunar influence is at play! A balance between logic and beauty seeking harmony. Sounds a lot like us, wouldn’t you say? Maybe that’s why we keep getting entangled in those odd romantic undertones when hunting shapeshifters.
Mulder, we've been nearly eaten alive by mutants, lost in tornadoes, and stranded in the Arctic, and you're worried about romantic undertones guided by your daily horoscope?
It also warned me I’ll be attracted to someone problematic. Reminds me of a certain tattoo-wearing suspect, don’t you think? But I suppose I have a type.
If you consider 'problematic' to be a valid scientific category, I'm going to need a full literature review, Mulder. Otherwise, I’m chalking all this up to you being, as your horoscope puts it, emotionally constipated.
You know, Scully, sometimes it takes a spiritual nudge to let things out… or maybe just a good scream in a cornfield. I won’t rule out the stars. You up for field work today, partner?
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
You look unusually energized this morning, Mulder. Let me guess, you found another government conspiracy in your coffee grounds?
Not quite, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently, I’m currently riding a deep surge of cosmic inspiration. According to the stars, I’m either about to turn into some kind of gym rat or launch my plot for world domination - possibly both.
Mulder, does your horoscope mention when you’ll be taking over the world? Because I have a meeting at two.
No specifics, but it says this surge affects my home life, which might explain the stack of unsolved files in my apartment. Or the fact that I accidentally rearranged my living room at 3 a.m.
That explains the texts you sent me last night about the optimal filing system for alien autopsy reports. Remind me again, why were you texting me at 2:30 in the morning?
My horoscope says my texts are dangerously smooth today, Scully. Flirting with destiny, I guess. Or maybe just flirting. It said something about someone getting attention whether they like it or not - which almost makes me believe there's cosmic support for my relentless pursuit.
You realize horoscopes are not evidence, Mulder. Sounds like the lunar influence is making your emotions run wild. Luckily, I’m here to provide that rational Virgo clarity you need.
Exactly, Scully. You’re my grounding force, my rational counterbalance. Without you, I might get carried away and start believing my fish are alien operatives again.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Mulder, what are you grinning about over there? You look like you just uncovered another conspiracy under your desk.
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope and it practically endorsed today's agenda. It said a 'vivid quest' would lift my day. Clearly, that's code for unearthing some hidden truths, or possibly alien life.
Mulder, this wouldn’t have anything to do with you texting anonymous leads at three in the morning, would it? If I recall, last time you did that we spent hours decoding bizarre emojis from a self-proclaimed alien-human hybrid.
But Scully, the horoscope also said my texts are dangerously smooth today. Apparently someone’s getting flirted with - willingly or not. Maybe that's the universe's way of saying my communication is finally as persuasive as I always imagined.
Or perhaps it’s foreshadowing another embarrassing episode where you put your foot squarely in your mouth. You do recall the last time you tried your ‘smooth’ approach with that psychic, don’t you, Mulder?
I admit there have been...miscalculations. But today, the lunar influence tells me there's a balance to strike between adventure and responsibility. I’m thinking we chase the truth, but maybe I try to keep my charm in check this time.
If today’s forecast includes ‘emotionally constipated’ as a side effect, you might want to go easy on the revelations. Adventure is one thing, Mulder, but I’d like at least one day without having to bail you out for excessive enthusiasm.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Mulder, you look like you're about to announce an alien invasion. What's up?
You're not far off, Scully. According to my horoscope, my ambition is practically anchoring my soul. It says I'm set for world domination or, at the very least, an impressive day at the gym. I'm leaning toward the latter, but I can't rule out the former until I've had my morning coffee.
So your horoscope told you to either become a supervillain or develop better biceps? Seems reasonable. Where does the emotional constipation fit in?
Apparently, I need to let some feelings out. Like that time in the forest when I tried to explain how the truth is out there, but no one would listen. Maybe it's repressed. Psychic stomachache.
Mulder, psychological constipation isn't treated with lunar influences. Long-term emotional stability comes from actual conversations, not cryptic horoscopes you find wedged between abduction reports.
Speaking of cryptic, my texts are apparently 'dangerously smooth' today. Should I warn Skinner of impending flirtation? Or do you think it's referring to my repartee with shadowy informants?
With your texting habits, I'd say you're more likely to scare them off than flirt. But don't let that stop your, what did you call it, steady spirit.
All I'm saying is, it might be a highly productive day. Maybe it's finally time I solve the mystery of what's hiding in that filing cabinet of yours.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like you've just discovered an alien transmission?
Because, Scully, apparently the stars have aligned to tell me that today is not only my day for a unique flare, but also for - get this - my foot meeting my mouth. It's a cosmic warning.
Let me get this straight. You’re saying the movement of the Moon is responsible for you potentially saying something awkward today? More so than usual?
No, it’s not just about awkwardness. It’s about personal expression, Scully. I’m supposed to let out whatever’s been emotionally bottled up. Imagine, an emotionally uninhibited Mulder. The universe might not be ready for that.
Mulder, are you sure these sudden emotional insights of yours aren’t just an excuse to start another wild theory about black oil mind control?
Okay, maybe I read into it a little, but sudden insights have solved more than one mystery, Scully. You remember that time in Alaska when everyone doubted my instincts? That was inner transformation in action. The horoscope practically predicted it.
So your horoscope told you to be emotionally constipated, then let it out like 'a weirdo?' Sounds more like a prescription for disaster.
Or a recipe for progress. The lunar influence says my emotions are analytical but open to innovation. Maybe it’s a sign I’ll finally invent that truth serum you always wish you had.
The only thing I wish for right now is a partner who consults evidence before astrology, Mulder.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, you look unusually pleased with yourself. Did you find another government file you weren’t supposed to read?
Actually, Scully, I read my horoscope and it said a tender glow would be warming my day. Apparently, I’m supposed to be an open book - no boundaries. Just raw, unfiltered Mulder.
Unfiltered Mulder? I shudder to think. Does that mean I should brace myself for a sudden confession about your belief in crop circles?
It’s not just crop circles, Scully. My texts are supposed to be dangerously smooth today. Someone’s getting flirted with, and, like the phenomena in Bellefleur, there is no telling who - or what - might respond.
Just so we’re clear, I’m not investigating any extraterrestrial dating habits with you. And I’d argue your texts are more ‘peculiar’ than ‘smooth’, Mulder.
You’re underestimating the lunar influence, Scully. Today, logic meets intuition. I’m supposed to avoid overanalyzing my feelings - maybe that’s why I accidentally told Skinner he has ‘profound eyes’ in an email.
Mulder, this is exactly why you should stick to FBI memos and not horoscopes. You’ll end up putting your foot in your mouth with the wrong person, possibly someone with a badge and a short temper.
Scully, maybe the cosmos is trying to tell me that boundaries are just another government fabrication, and if I go with the flow, I’ll discover the truth about myself - and maybe even you.
Or maybe the only thing you’ll discover is a reprimand in your personnel file. Let’s just stick to the facts for now, Mulder. Your spiritual side can wait until after the paperwork’s done.