Aries
March 21 - April 19
You seem unusually motivated today, Mulder. Should I worry, or did your morning bagel just have extra caffeine?
Scully, it's cosmic. I just read my horoscope, and it says energetic strides are going to push me forward. My Aries energy is basically a weapon today - I'm like a one-man X-File.
That would explain your sudden confidence. But don’t you think it's a stretch to believe the stars are coordinating your mood swings?
I don't know, Scully. My instincts are especially sharp right now. It's got me thinking I should negotiate for more backup - maybe even ask Skinner for our own paranormal task force. Mercury and Venus are aligned. Apparently, that makes me both bold and charming. You can't deny the evidence.
If planetary alignment made agents more persuasive, Krycek would have talked his way out of that Siberian gulag, Mulder. Negotiations usually rely on fact, not astrology.
Ah, but that's where you're wrong, Scully. The horoscope even mentioned creative writing - makes me think my next report is going to be so compelling, you'll actually agree with my conclusions. As for social interactions, maybe I should invite the Lone Gunmen over for classified charades.
Just remember what happened the last time Frohike tried to balance on one foot for a bet. What was that last line? 'The flamingo stands on one leg - balance is an act of war'? I assume that means you're planning to start some kind of offensive with your newfound enthusiasm?
Exactly. Sometimes you have to take a stand, Scully - even if it looks ridiculous. Maybe that's where real progress is made: right on the edge, fighting for balance. If you're with me, I'll let the horoscope guide us into unknown territory. We could be the flamingos of the Bureau.
I'll follow your lead, Mulder, but if you start wearing pink, I'm calling Dr. Werber.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, what's with the grin? You look like you've just decoded another government cover-up.
I just read my horoscope, Scully. It says my efforts are built on solid foundations today. Mercury and Venus are in alignment, which apparently gives me charming persuasive abilities - so, negotiations should fall in my favor. I think today is our day.
Your horoscope? Mulder, you know planetary alignment can't enhance your social skills or help you crack a case, right?
That's where you're wrong, Scully. Mercury governs communication and Venus rules attraction. If there's ever been a time the universe wants the truth out there, it's now. Maybe that contact at the Bureau will finally spill those secrets during lunch.
Or maybe he's just nervous around you, because the last time you bought someone lunch, they ended up running from a giant fluke in the sewers.
Unpredictable relationship changes, Scully - my horoscope predicts them. Sudden attractions. I need to be vigilant. Anyone could turn adversarial or unexpectedly helpful. Remember that soldier who turned ally in the frozen tundra? It's just like that.
Let me get this straight. You plan to navigate career ambitions and alliances today based on what Mercury, Venus, and a horoscope say about pandas and bamboo?
Don’t underestimate the wisdom of lunar metaphors. The panda snaps bamboo - justice supported by gentleness, but you bite when provoked. It’s a reminder to be diplomatic, unless someone tries to poke the bear…or the panda, in this case.
If you start climbing trees or eating bamboo in the break room, I’m calling Skinner.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you seem unusually optimistic this morning. Did you finally get a good night’s sleep, or has something else sparked your enthusiasm?
Scully, it’s all written in the stars. According to my horoscope, today my nimble intellect will guide me like some cosmic searchlight. Mercury and Venus are aligned, which means my communication is extra persuasive. Maybe this is the day Skinner finally listens to my theory about that electrical storm playing with people's memories.
Do you really think a planetary alignment explains your communication skills, Mulder? Or are you just hoping Venus will help you ‘charm’ the local sheriff into believing in crop circles again?
Scully, you have to admit strange things happen when planetary bodies come into play. Mercury is all about how we think, and if Venus is involved, the whole thing gets a layer of diplomacy. That could make or break an interrogation - or get us access to restricted files. And it says unexpected news could come my way. I wonder if that’s why Deep Throat always managed to call at the weirdest times.
Unexpected news happens every day in our line of work, Mulder. That doesn’t mean you should credit it to astrology. Remember that time we received a call about a talking tattoo? No one predicted that - not even your horoscope.
Maybe not, but adaptability paid off, right? My horoscope specifically warned me about disruptive communications. If a mysterious fax comes through, I’ll be ready. Hey, maybe you’ll see me negotiate peace between those two rival cryptozoologists at the conference later. My persuasive powers are supposedly peaking.
Well, if I see you charming your way through an argument about swamp monsters, I’ll know to blame Mercury. Just remember, Mulder: even lovebirds can get tangled up when they’re trapped together. Don’t let your intellect chain you to something you can’t prove.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, are you really going to spend our morning debrief waxing poetic about astrology again?
Scully, I can’t ignore the signs. It says my deep empathy is shaping my path right now and that Cancer energy is channeling me. Maybe that’s why I keep feeling like I should focus on home, on people closest to me. It’s not a coincidence.
Or, Mulder, it’s just a general statement meant to apply to anyone who reads it. What does Cancer energy even mean, aside from making everyone a little more sentimental than usual?
Scully, you remember when I wouldn’t let up on the possibility that the old house we investigated was more than just a cold case? My instincts - strong as ever - kept us from writing off something important at the time. This horoscope says my instincts will guide me to effective actions, especially at home.
You’re saying your horoscope helped you uncover a possible poltergeist? Not science, not evidence, just... planetary alignment?
With Mercury and Venus aligned, it says I’ll be charming and persuasive in emotional matters. Maybe that’s why you’re still listening to me, Scully. Emotional healing and transformation - think about what happened with my mother and that whole string of revelations. Doesn’t this sound eerily familiar?
What I remember is long nights, painstaking investigation, and a lot of paperwork, Mulder. Not lunar swans nursing broken reeds. Mercy strengthens what it spares, but so does logic and a bit of skepticism.
Skepticism, Scully, is healthy. But sometimes, just sometimes, there are deeper forces at work. Maybe the universe is trying to nudge me towards a little emotional evolution. Maybe we both have some healing to do.
If the universe wants to help with case files and coffee refills, I’m all ears, Mulder. Until then, I’ll stick to my own methods - and keep an eye on your evolving emotional state.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, you look particularly animated this morning. Did you finally get some sleep or is there something else fueling your steps?
Scully, allow me to explain. According to my horoscope - and I know what you're about to say, but listen - apparently I'm radiating 'vivid charisma' today, and this Leo energy is making my every move count. I feel like I could talk my way into the Pentagon if I needed to.
So your 'strong instincts' are now a byproduct of cosmic alignment? Mulder, maybe Mercury and Venus aren't improving your negotiation skills, just your confidence.
But that's exactly it, Scully! The stars say my communications are not just confident but charming - persuasive even. Maybe today’s the day I finally convince Skinner to approve that field trip to the Jersey Pine Barrens. Think of what we could uncover!
I’ll admit, your enthusiasm is… persuasive, but I doubt the lunar influence is why. Wait, did it actually mention a mantis shrimp? What has that got to do with any of this?
Ah! The horoscope said, 'The peacock mantis shrimp strikes - beauty hides tectonic force.' Scully, it’s like a metaphor for the unknown: beneath a captivating surface lurks tremendous power. It reminds me of Tooms - no obvious threat till you dig deeper.
Or maybe, Mulder, it’s a poetic way of reminding you not to underestimate appearances - astrological or otherwise. So, do you plan to wield this 'tectonic force' in the form of passionate monologues, or should I brace for another encounter with your creative writing?
With the stars as my co-author? Absolutely, Scully. And today, even you might find my arguments, dare I say, a little irresistible.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, you seem especially chipper this morning. Did you come across another classified file on the Bureau's coffee machine?
Actually, Scully, I was just reading my horoscope, and today, practical wisdom is supposedly fueling my spirit. Mercury and Venus are aligned - apparently, I'm at the height of my persuasive powers. You might want to brace yourself for some particularly charming and convincing arguments on this next case.
Right. So your coffee-fueled optimism is rooted in planetary alignment instead of conspiracy theories today. Should I expect you to try and negotiate with Skinner over your latest expense report again?
That's exactly the thing, Scully! Today is apparently perfect for negotiations, social interactions - even creative writing. Maybe I should finally draft that memo to the higher-ups about the Bureau’s need for a dedicated paranormal unit. The stars are practically begging for bureaucratic disruption.
I hope your persuasive talents have improved since you tried to convince me that green goo was sentient last month. And since when do you let your daily routines get disrupted? You're the only agent I know who considers overnight stakeouts a ‘routine’ part of daily life.
Disruption is where discovery happens, Scully. The horoscope said unexpected news or ideas may require adaptability. Like that time we found out the truth about the bees or when Krycek unexpectedly tried to sabotage our every move. I thrive on the unpredictable.
So you’re basing your work strategy today on celestial bodies, plant metaphors, and insect analogies? That’s new - even for you.
Well, did you read the Lunar Influence? ‘The orchid mantis prays, disguise and devotion wear the same face.’ Sounds like a warning - or a clue. You have to look carefully to know what's really in front of you. Just like some people we’ve worked with, right?
If an actual orchid mantis shows up in autopsy today, I’m blaming your horoscope. Until then, I’ll stick to practical wisdom of the scientific kind.
That’s exactly what it wants you to think, Scully.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, you look unusually chipper this morning. Something you want to share?
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and apparently today’s cosmic situation involves Mercury and Venus teaming up to supercharge my relationships. If you notice me being especially charming or persuasive, it’s planetary.
Mulder, are you seriously attributing your mood swings to celestial bodies again? You know there’s no empirical evidence for horoscopes affecting behavior.
I’m just saying, the horoscope said I have the gift of a ‘graceful touch’ - it could make negotiations or social situations flow smoother. Remember when I convinced that sheriff to let us see the classified evidence? Maybe it was a day like today. It’s not all little green men, Scully - sometimes, it’s alignment.
Or it could be good old-fashioned people skills. Or basic psychology. What about the ‘unpredictable relationship changes’ part? Planning to start something sudden and questionable today?
Allegedly, sudden attractions or changes are likely. I’ll be vigilant, Scully. It even advised caution in those affairs, which aligns with professional protocol. But it also mentioned creative pursuits, which could mean I finally crack my report-writing block. Maybe the lunar influence is the push I need.
And ‘the scales grow wings’? If your next creative pursuit involves a flying cryptid with a balancing fetish, I’m out. Judgement and liberation aside, Mulder, let’s base our next steps on logic and evidence, not astral encouragement.
You say that now, Scully, but if our next case turns on charm, negotiation, or a little persuasive flair from yours truly, don’t forget to thank Venus and Mercury. I’ll keep my eyes open for any sudden attractions - just in case they aren’t all terrestrial.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, you’ve been quiet for almost five minutes. Should I be concerned or are you just deep in thought about the usual paranormal suspects?
Actually, Scully, I was just reading my horoscope and it’s all starting to make sense. Bold changes, emotional Scorpio energy - I mean, that’s practically my morning routine. It says my instincts will lead me toward ‘effective actions.’ Clearly, the universe is speaking to me.
Mulder, you can’t honestly believe a general horoscope is responsible for any of your so-called instincts. Half of them have you convinced you’ll find a psychic black swan in a warehouse in Jersey.
But Scully, don’t you see? The lunar influence right now - the black swan drinking poison? It’s obviously a metaphor. Every time we survive, every unexplained phenomenon we witness, it adds to the legend. My legend, if I may be so bold.
You mean every time you drag me into a sewer or a cornfield and we don’t get killed by alien toxins, you chalk it up to planetary alignment? Mercury and Venus aren’t going to help you fill out your field reports any faster, Mulder.
Mercury and Venus are aligned, Scully. The horoscope says my transformation will be both charming and persuasive. Maybe that’s why you kept following me into the shadows back when everyone else thought I was crazy.
Or maybe I just prefer to analyze things with science and reason, not the back pages of a tabloid. But go on, Fox, tell me more about how your spiritual side is on the verge of emotional healing.
Isn’t that what this job is about? Seeking truth, digging up deep psychological insights - not just for our cases, but in ourselves? The horoscope is just confirmation, Scully. We’re both in the middle of a transformation. And trust me, after everything, what doesn’t kill us will become our legend.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You're unusually chipper this morning, Mulder. What's going on? Find some new internet conspiracy that explains why coffee tastes different in the basement?
It’s more cosmic than that, Scully. I just read my horoscope and apparently, thanks to the Mercury-Venus alignment, I’m entering a period of persuasive adventure. It literally says my communication style is going to be next-level today. Maybe I’ll finally convince you of the existence of extraterrestrial pillow talk.
If your communication style is improving, I assume that means less wild theorizing and more facts? Or should I brace myself for another day where you try to negotiate with government agents over black oil using your 'Venusian charm'?
Scully, you underestimate the power of celestial influence. It specifically mentions vivid dreams lighting my course and unexpected news requiring flexibility. Last night I dreamed of a flock of cranes flying backward while Deep Throat whispered coordinates to me. You have to admit, even your scientific method can’t account for cosmic synchronicity.
Mulder, dreams are your brain’s way of processing unruly information, not prophecies. And saying 'unexpected news may require adaptability' is basically a daily occurrence in our line of work. Just because Venus is involved doesn’t mean Skinner is going to start believing your wildest hunches, or that aliens will send us formal invitations.
But Scully, the lunar influence today also mentions the crane wife unraveling her stitches. It’s poetic - it means some gifts can’t be kept. Maybe it’s a sign that our pursuit of truth can’t be hidden, no matter how hard the syndicate tries. Today could be the day we unravel something big.
Or maybe it's just a reminder not to hold onto every so-called 'gift' the universe tosses your way before subjecting it to proper analysis. Just try not to let Mercury convince you to talk circles around the evidence, Mulder. We need facts, not omens.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Scully, do you ever think the universe is nudging you to dig deeper? This morning my horoscope told me disciplined focus is going to light my way today - like there's cosmic encouragement for all my career ambitions. Maybe this is the day I finally uncover the next big piece of the puzzle. The stars said I’d know exactly what to do, thanks to my strong instincts.
Mulder, I think it’s more likely that your horoscope is just vague enough to sound inspiring. Emotional Capricorn energy? That could mean anything, and you know as well as I do that productive channeling is just another way of describing basic motivation.
But Scully, Mercury and Venus are aligned. That’s got to be why things are going to go my way today. Negotiations, interactions - I mean, the report we’re sending to Skinner could finally win him over to my side. Maybe I’ll even put that creative writing advice to use and charm him into letting me reopen a few of those unexplained cases.
I hope you aren’t implying Skinner is susceptible to planetary alignments, Mulder. The only thing that’s going to convince him is substantiated evidence, not your persuasive long-term goals delivered under some Venusian influence.
You have to admit, Scully, even you’ve admired my instincts a time or two. The lunar influence suggests that art requires sacrifice - like the bowerbird decorating with bones. Maybe all the dead ends and close calls have just been necessary steps in creating something meaningful, something that can’t be dismissed as coincidence.
Mulder, just make sure those 'necessary steps' don’t involve us chasing after anyone with a collection of decorative bones today. I’d rather keep our focus productively disciplined, just in case your horoscope is one of the rare accurate ones.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You seem awfully energized this morning, Mulder. What's got you so worked up?
I've just read my horoscope, Scully - today is, apparently, all about quirky sparks and disruptive innovation. It said that unpredictable relationship changes are likely, and I have to admit, with everything we've been through, that feels eerily appropriate.
Let me guess, you think the alignment of Mercury and Venus is going to help you connect the dots to some grand new theory?
Not just any theory. Today my innovation is supposed to be both charming and persuasive. Maybe now Skinner will finally believe me about the unexplained phenomena in Bellefleur.
Or maybe you'll just get another request to fill out your expense reports. What exactly does 'quirky spark' mean to you, Mulder? Are you planning to do something disruptive at the office?
Disruption breeds insight, Scully. The horoscope claims unexpected news or ideas may require adaptability. So if I blow the whistle on something, I trust you'll adapt - like you did when that government truck crashed in my apartment.
You know, Mulder, horoscopes also said the rainbow lorikeet splits the prism. That sounds suspiciously like code for jumping to colorful conclusions.
Or maybe it's a sign, Scully - a hint to look beyond the obvious, where color rebels against origin. Maybe today we don't just chase the truth - we see it refracted, in all its unpredictable glory.
Just be careful if you find yourself faced with any sudden attractions, Mulder. The advice says those require caution. I'd prefer not to explain to Skinner why you're interviewing another psychic who claims to have channeled Deep Throat.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, you’re staring at that horoscope like you’re looking for a hidden message. Is this another extraterrestrial communique, or just wishful thinking?
Scully, listen to this - Mercury and Venus are aligned. That means my intuition is supposed to be both charming and persuasive today. I think that explains my sudden urge to renegotiate our office placement with Skinner, don’t you?
Mulder, planets aligning don’t automatically make you a master negotiator. And unless Skinner has suddenly developed an interest in astrology, I doubt he’ll move us up from the basement because you read it in a newspaper.
Maybe, but the horoscope also says it’s a good day for creative writing. What if my report-writing skills are enhanced by cosmic forces? Maybe I can finally explain that time we encountered the living shadow without you calling in a physicist.
I’m still waiting for empirical evidence that the 'living shadow' wasn’t just a trick of the light, Mulder. And you do realize horoscopes are deliberately vague, designed to fit anyone’s day? What’s this about ‘tender visions’ shaping your spirit?
That’s the thing, Scully. Spiritual influences! Maybe the angelfish - the lunar influence - suggests that things aren’t always as they seem. Like how illusion loves its own reflection. Makes you think twice about what’s behind the glass, or maybe even what’s in the tank.
It makes me think you shouldn’t skip breakfast. Or that you’re seeing symbolism because you want to see it. Has your spirit become so persuasive that you’re starting to convince yourself?
You’re right - I do have to stay adaptable for unexpected news. It’s in the stars, Scully. Look, I won’t ask you to believe, but if something unpredictable happens today - like strange mail appearing at our door - I’m just saying, it wouldn’t hurt to be mentally prepared for the uncanny.