Aries
March 21 - April 19
You look unusually contemplative, Mulder. What's got you so absorbed over there?
Scully, I've just read something that validates everything I've suspected about today. Apparently, a bold wave of rebellious impulse is supposed to disrupt my established identity. I'm not just who I think I am.
You're usually the first person in the room to question authority, Mulder, rebellious impulses aren't exactly new for you. What's the source of this revelation? Let me guess – your horoscope?
You mock, Scully, but it says I've got to find the balance between constructive innovation and maintaining continuity. Think about it. Every case we've had – from cloning experiments to...other unexplained family affairs – is just that push and pull between old and new. Right now, that cosmic conflict is playing out inside me.
So the universe is asking you to rebel against yourself and then constructively innovate your own psyche, while staying, what, spiritually stable? Is that how you’re explaining your recent obsession with meditative cold reading?
Yes, and it goes further. This 'stabilizing influence' in my chart, it means I’m supposed to mature emotionally through responsible commitments. Domestic planning. Intergenerational bonds. Maybe I should finally take all those files out of the closet and label them properly – you know, for posterity. Or does this mean I’ll have to get a dog?
There's a difference between emotional maturity and compulsively reorganizing your conspiracy theories, Mulder. As for a dog, you never remember to water the plants.
True, but it also says my personal expression is impacted. Psychic sensitivity has apparently reached exceptional levels. That could explain why I sensed that guy two floors down was about to file a complaint about our late-night slideshows.
Or it could be the thin walls and the fact that you project voices like you’re trying to reach Deep Throat through the drywall.
There's more, Scully – the Moon is in Aries. My emotions are supposed to be impulsive today. So if I react strongly to, say, Skinner’s next request, you’ll know it’s not insubordination, it’s lunar influence.
If you’re going to blame the Moon for your emotional outbursts, Mulder, at least don’t expect an alibi when Skinner comes looking for an explanation.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You look unusually focused today, Mulder. Anything interesting in your files, or is this about another government conspiracy?
You could say I've had a revelation, Scully. According to my horoscope this morning, I’m entering a phase of gentle tenacity and emotional maturity. Apparently, it’s a great time for responsible commitments and long-term planning. Stabilizing influence, they said. That can only mean good things, right?
And you believe that a horoscope is the final word on your emotional growth? Mulder, you consult the I Ching more than most people check the weather, but you think planetary alignment is dictating your maturity now?
Scully, don’t underestimate the lunar influence. Aries stirs my emotions - I've felt it all morning. But Taurus supposedly helps keep me grounded. Maybe that’s why I haven’t chased any invisible vampires or shape-shifters yet today.
Or maybe it’s because Skinner’s on your case for last week's incident. Still, I admit, you do seem more... contemplative. Have you started balancing your psychic sensitivity with ‘conscious boundaries,’ as the stars suggest?
I’m working on it. Psychic sensitivity at exceptional levels, Scully. I mean, if anyone should be documenting visionary impressions, it’s us. Maybe we’re supposed to finally crack that ongoing case - the one with the recurring precognitive dreams.
As long as your intergenerational relationships don’t include bringing home any more government clones or alien hybrids, I’ll support your newfound stability. Just don’t start blaming the moon when you forget to file your paperwork.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Scully, have you ever considered that sometimes the cosmos gives us exactly the guidance we need? Listen to this - my horoscope basically confirms that my mind is sharper than ever today. And with my psychic sensitivity off the charts, I think it's going to be a big day for us.
Psychic sensitivity, Mulder? So you’re going to rely on your horoscope to solve our cases now instead of the FBI’s own evidence procedures?
Not just the cases, Scully. Apparently, this is a stabilizing time for domestic planning and intergenerational relationships. Maybe we should talk to Skinner about those new bureau protocols, or - dare I say - think about where we call home. The horoscope says it’ll benefit our future in unexpected ways.
I think Skinner would be more interested in your reports than your plans for domestic stability, Mulder. Also, what does the horoscope say about boundaries? Because I think you’re crossing one between science and...wishful thinking.
It actually said to be conscious about boundaries, especially in my social connections. Like, maybe I shouldn’t barge into your autopsy lab every time I think I’m having a visionary impression. But Scully, what if all this psychic energy actually helps us communicate better? Maybe we’ll finally crack that cold case from ‘89 - the one with the family that swore they saw something in the sky.
Or maybe that ‘psychic energy’ you’re feeling is just caffeine, Mulder. Your horoscope says your emotions are fast-paced and restless. Perhaps it’s a sign that you should pace yourself - for both our sakes.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like that? Please don't tell me you're checking your horoscope again.
Not just any horoscope, Scully. According to this, a wave of sensitivity is on the rise - I’m about to experience exceptional psychic intuition. Maybe that explains why I was suddenly compelled to alphabetize all my old case files last night.
Or it could just be your love for organizational chaos. Emotional maturity and responsible commitments, though? I thought you preferred chasing conspiracy theories to making stable long-term plans.
Ah, but see, the stars think differently. With this stabilizing influence, my long-range domestic planning is about to benefit - all while my career ambitions catch fire. The Aries Moon is lending me its passion. I might even redecorate my apartment, finally.
So, your horoscope is the reason you’re thinking of buying furniture that actually has cushions? And I suppose your so-called psychic sensitivity is why you insisted you could sense that guy hiding in the motel ice machine last week.
Honestly, Scully, given my newly heightened psychic abilities, maybe I should start documenting all my visionary impressions. You remember that time I dreamt about the Smoking Man just before he showed up? Coincidence? The horoscope doesn't think so.
Just be careful with those passionate emotions, Mulder. Last time you followed a lunar influence, we ended up surrounded by wild animals in Montana, remember? Maybe you need more boundaries - not fewer.
So you’re saying the truth is, I should responsibly commit to my personal space? Maybe you’re right... but if you see me staring into the distance, just remember: I’m not ignoring you - I’m just communing with an intergenerational psychic wave.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You seem in an unusually good mood this morning, Mulder. Dare I ask what's got you so... enthusiastic?
Scully, I read my horoscope. According to the alignment of celestial bodies, there's a regal spark shining within me right now. I feel like a king prepared to lead a cosmic rebellion - possibly against the bureaucratic nonsense we're so often subjected to.
Mulder, are you seriously making decisions based on astrology now? I have yet to see a single academic study confirming the practical impact of a 'regal spark.'
It's not just about the stars, Scully. The horoscope said my rebellious impulses are going to disrupt my established identity, which I think means I'm destined to uncover a new facet of myself - maybe something that's been lurking under the surface since that whole Tooms situation.
So the next time you break into an evidence locker, I should attribute it to the whims of the moon and your so-called inner transformation?
Not just the moon - though apparently, the lunar influence is making my emotions bolder and more expressive. But it's all about balance, Scully. Constructive innovation but also continuity. Like how we keep pushing boundaries but still have each other's backs. Even Skinner can’t argue with that.
Constructive innovation? I hope that doesn't mean another storyboard on your apartment wall covered in red thread. And as for emotional maturity, let's see you navigate responsible commitments before you start planning for intergenerational relationships.
You know, the horoscope says this is good for long-term domestic planning. Maybe it’s time we revisit that discussion about who gets custody of the sunflower seeds if I ever disappear into a vortex again.
I'll believe your horoscope the day it mentions evidence, rational deduction, and peer-reviewed journals. Until then, Mulder, your enthusiasm is duly noted. Now, can we focus on the case?
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You look deep in thought, Mulder. Some new cosmic conspiracy, or just trying to figure out how many sunflower seeds you've got left?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope. Apparently, 'methodical vibes are fueling my spirit' and my 'emotional maturity is all about responsible commitments.' It's like the Universe is telling me to finally clean up my office and get my life together.
Your spirit could use a little method, I'll give you that. You don't actually believe the stars are coaching your life choices, do you?
Well, it makes sense. There's a stabilizing energy in the air - I felt it this morning while restacking my files. The horoscope even says it'll impact 'long-term domestic planning and intergenerational relationships.' Maybe it's a sign I should finally have that talk with my mom about the family history... or with Skinner about office protocol.
Or maybe it's just encouraging you to act like an adult for once. How exactly are these 'methodical vibes' going to help you find the truth or solve an X-File?
Ah, but that’s the point. It also says my 'psychic sensitivity is at exceptional levels.' Scully, what if I'm about to have a breakthrough on a case - like the time I sensed we were being watched in Bellefleur? Maybe the lunar influence is heightening my intuition.
Or maybe you're just feeling conflicted because you skipped breakfast. Your 'internal battle between impulsiveness and practicality' could just be low blood sugar.
Be that as it may, the stars also advise me to 'document visionary impressions.' I think I’ll start sketching out that UFO design from my dream last night. You should try it too, Scully - documenting your impressions, not the UFO part.
I'll stick to science and let you commune with the cosmos, Mulder. Just promise you won't use your heightened psychic state as an excuse in your next field report.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, you seem uncharacteristically absorbed in that newspaper. What's caught your eye?
Scully, it's my horoscope. Listen to this: 'Diplomatic flair colors your journey. Emotional maturity develops through responsible commitments.' You have to admit, that's basically telling me I'm about to solve a case with a little panache.
Or, it's simply advising you not to get into debates with local law enforcement today. Remember last time in Oregon?
But wait, it says, 'This stabilizing influence benefits long-term domestic planning and intergenerational relationships.' If that's not a cosmic nudge about visiting my mother, I don't know what is. Or maybe it's referring to the way these cases keep circling back to family ties. Remember Samantha?
I think it's more likely the horoscope is being vague enough to apply to anyone. Besides, isn't every day a day for emotional maturity and stability in the field?
'Psychic sensitivity reaches exceptional levels.' Scully, this could be something. Maybe my intuition is about to hit a new peak. It could help with... well, certain cases that defy explanation.
Mulder, I have a feeling your 'psychic sensitivity' correlates strongly with a caffeine spike. But if you start seeing visions again, please let me know - preferably before you call in the Bureau psychics.
It even warns me: 'Boundaries require conscious maintenance.' You see? I need to be wary of overstepping today. With everything we've encountered, maybe that's actually logical advice.
Setting boundaries is good advice, Mulder. Especially if it prevents our next field report from including a visit from Skinner - again.
But Scully, there's even a note about the moon: 'Aries Moon fuels passion, but Libra balance seeks harmony.' Clearly the stars want me to be passionate, but diplomatic. I guess I’ll have to keep myself from busting down doors.
I’ll believe the stars are guiding you when they help you finish your paperwork without three spelling corrections. But I’m glad to see you so upbeat. Let’s just try to avoid any passionate speeches to the sheriff this time?
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
You seem particularly invested in your coffee this morning, Mulder. What's got you so pensive - did your latest newsletter predict alien abduction in aisle seven of the grocery store?
Not exactly, Scully, but almost as earth-shattering. According to my horoscope, a 'dark wave' is guiding my actions today. It's apparently boosting my emotional maturity through, and I quote, 'responsible commitments.' So don't be surprised if I seem unusually stable and domestically-inclined. Maybe I'll even fold my laundry for once.
So we're attributing your sudden interest in routine to lunar cycles now? Mulder, next you'll be telling me that your infamous cluttered desk is a symptom of 'intergenerational planning.'
Routine can be a sign of cosmic alignment, Scully. The horoscope is clear - I'm supposed to use this stabilizing influence to benefit long-term domestic planning. Maybe it's the universe's way of saying we should finally organize that evidence room... or I should revisit my family history. Psychic sensitivity is peaking, too, so don't be surprised if I start having premonitions about who left the coffee pot empty.
Premonitions, Mulder? Let me guess - it's always Skinner. Or perhaps a vagrant shadow in the basement. How exactly does this psychic spike affect your, and I use the word generously, 'creative' genius?
It means I should document all my visionary impressions while maintaining boundaries. Remember that time I kept dreaming about bees and government experiments? Clearly, I was just obeying the stars. Today, I might stumble onto another case just by tuning into this... wavelength. Or maybe, at the very least, I'll remember to label my lunch in the fridge.
Right, so as your designated anchor to reality, I'll make sure you don't mistake an expired yogurt for extraterrestrial sabotage. Passion might be running high, but that doesn't mean you have to chase every shadow you see, Mulder.
You say that now, Scully, but when a 'dark wave' leads us to the truth - or at least to a better filing system - I expect due credit. The passion is real, and my horoscope never lies.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Scully, you’ll never believe what my horoscope just told me. Apparently, today is all about free-spirited vibes and embracing rebellious impulses. It says my identity might be disrupted - maybe my own personal truth is about to shift again.
Mulder, you do realize horoscopes are based on vague generalizations? Besides, I thought your last existential identity crisis was enough for the year.
But listen, constructive innovation is supposed to balance out essential continuity. It says this will especially affect my home life. Maybe it’s a sign that I should finally move those newspaper clippings out of my living room. Or maybe Samantha’s file isn’t supposed to stay in the same drawer forever.
Or, and hear me out, it means you should stop letting old case files take over your apartment and start embracing normal household routines. That sounds more like responsible commitment and emotional maturity than some cosmic directive.
Oh, but wait - there’s more. The horoscope mentioned that a stabilizing influence will benefit my long-term planning, especially in intergenerational relationships. Maybe that means we’re finally making progress in the family department, you know, learning from the past. Or is my mother’s antique lamp actually a beacon for some psychic resonance?
Mulder, I sincerely doubt your mother’s lamp is channeling ancestral energy. And psychic sensitivity? Your horoscope sounds like an open invitation for you to test the limits of your so-called ESP, not plan for the future.
Funny you mention that, Scully. According to my lunar influence today, I should be seeking adventure and freedom in emotional expression. Maybe I should open up more about how I really feel during these stakeouts. You never know - the truth might really be out there. Or maybe just in here.
Mulder, if you want adventure and freedom, maybe start by taking out the trash or letting me drive for once. Emotional expression can wait until we’re not tracking down shapeshifters in rural Virginia.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You seem awfully focused this morning, Mulder. Dare I ask if that's the result of something you read?
Funny you should mention that, Scully. According to my horoscope, there’s a stabilizing energy at play today - responsibility, emotional maturity, the whole works. Apparently, I should be documenting my visionary impressions before they slip away.
Visionary impressions? Mulder, are you sure it’s not just the coffee kicking in? You know, horoscopes are written so broadly they could apply to anyone.
Not this time, Scully. It said my psychic sensitivity is peaking - maybe that explains those strange dreams I had last night, with the bees and a certain Cigarette-Smoking individual hovering in the background.
Or it could be your subconscious processing what we’ve been through. Did your horoscope mention boundary maintenance because you’ve been spending way too many late nights in the office lately?
Boundaries, yes, right on the money. The cosmic alignment says to protect my home life. Maybe that’s a sign I should buy another deadbolt for my apartment. You never know who - or what - might show up unannounced.
I think what you need is some time off, not another horoscope-fueled theory. But if it gets you to finally replace those worn-out locks, maybe there’s something to astrology after all.
And don't forget, Scully - the Aries Moon fuels ambition, but my renowned Capricorn steadiness will keep me from jumping to conclusions. Or at least keep me from jumping alone.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, why are you looking at me like that? Did you discover another signal from outer space... or did you just read your horoscope again?
Scully, hear me out. It says 'innovative winds guide your journey.' That's practically a mandate to go where no one dares to go - kind of like that time in West Virginia, remember? Maybe I've been right to chase fresh leads all along.
Or maybe it's because you have a history of impulsively following the first whisper of something strange. What else does your fortune say?
It talks about 'emotional maturity developing through responsible commitments.' Maybe that's why I'm so dedicated to the X-Files now - committing to the truth, Scully. It benefits long-term domestic planning and, apparently, intergenerational relationships. Does it mean my family? The truth my father never told me?
Mulder, if you start connecting vague cosmic metaphors to the Syndicate again, I'm going to need more than star charts for evidence. What about this stabilizing influence? Are you finally going to clean your apartment?
Hey, it also says my communication style is affected - maybe I’m just better at telling you how I really feel, Scully. But then it warns about 'rebellious impulses disrupting identity.' Do you think my tendency to rebel is interfering with who I am, or is it what's always defined me?
I'd say it's both, Mulder. Your constructive innovation can be admirable, but sometimes ignoring continuity leads to paperwork for me. Or black oil.
You see? Balance. Constructive innovation with essential continuity. It's like when we faced those shapeshifters - I questioned everything, but I still trusted you. That's my anchor, Scully. Also, my values and resources are in for a shake-up. Maybe I should finally get rid of that sunflower seed collection.
Or maybe the lunar influence just means you’re prone to another restless night chasing down unexplained phenomena. 'Emotional independence is heightened,' 'rebellious or unpredictable,' - none of this sounds new at all, Mulder.
The Moon operates in mysterious ways, Scully. And if it means we’re in for more unpredictable cases, I’d say I’m exactly where I belong.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, are you reading your horoscope again? You look like you just had a revelation.
I'm telling you, Scully, this one actually resonates. It says gentle waves are shaping my spirit and my psychic sensitivity is reaching new heights. I noticed it just now - remember when I correctly predicted that the vending machine would eat your dollar?
Mulder, that's not psychic sensitivity. That's pattern recognition and a severely outdated machine in the basement.
No, Scully, it goes deeper. The horoscope says I should document my visionary impressions - like that time I kept having those dreams that led us to Eugene Tooms’ hiding place. What if I'm picking up on things normal people can't access? If I focus, maybe I could break open a whole new case.
And what, exactly, are you going to document today, Mulder? Your hunch that Skinner is actually happier when people call him after hours? Or your suspicion that the office plant is bugged?
Don't laugh, Scully! The stars mention boundaries and values - maybe that's a sign we need to reassess evidence-handling protocols. Emotional maturity through responsible commitments… could be the universe telling me to finally replace that couch in my apartment.
Or maybe it's telling you to take your own advice and set boundaries with newspaper psychics. I'm curious, what does your lunar influence say about passion meeting intuition? Should I be worried about you chasing another phantom informant tonight?
Scully, it says a dreamy but fiery emotional state may emerge. Translation: I'm feeling inspired and ready to tackle whatever strangeness the universe throws our way - all the more reason to trust my instincts on our next investigation. You’ll see. This horoscope might just crack our next X-file wide open.