Your H-Files for Thursday, 19 March 2026
Aries 
March 21 - April 19
Scully, this morning's horoscope says my pioneering instincts are about to take the lead. I think that means I shouldn't just trust the accepted explanation next time we see something - unusual.
Mulder, you never trust the accepted explanation. Are you telling me an astrology column is giving you permission to question reality even more than usual?
I mean, it does say reality is optional today. And there's a lunar influence too - sea hares, apparently. Did you know sea hares squirt ink to disorient predators? Maybe that's how I'm supposed to handle our next brush with the Syndicate. Out-fox, out-ink.
So your plan is to emotionally disorient anyone who threatens you, like an underwater mollusk. That's your spiritual side coming out?
Exactly. The horoscope also warns of mood swings, so if I'm toggling between ruling the world and wondering if anyone likes me, don't be alarmed. It’s just cosmic turbulence.
I'll be sure to bring snacks, as recommended. And maybe an extra pair of pants in case you forget to wear some in your rush to embrace your pioneering instincts.
That's practical, Scully. You never know when you'll end up half-dressed on the side of a backroad trying to explain your emotional vulnerability to a local sheriff.
If reality is optional today, Mulder, I'll try to keep us anchored to it. But you could have just said you wanted a snack run and some moral support.
Taurus 
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like that? Did the aliens finally text you back?
Not quite, Scully. I just read my horoscope and, honestly, it explains a lot. Apparently, there's some 'quiet force' shaping my journey today. Sounds a bit like that time with the psychic children in Virginia, don't you think?
So you’re blaming your latest existential crisis on the stars again? Or is it the government's fault this time?
According to this, my emotions and ego are having a sleepover, which would explain why I felt invincible in the morning, but then started doubting if Skinner actually likes me. It says I should bring snacks - do you have any sunflower seeds?
Mulder, mood swings aren’t cosmic. They’re a result of caffeine and lack of sleep. Maybe lay off the vending machine for a day.
It also claims my social connections will be affected - I might be psychic or maybe just paranoid. Ring any bells? I mean, I did predict Frohike’s weird behavior last week.
You’re not psychic, Mulder. Paranoid might be closer to the mark, especially after your fourth cup of coffee.
But Scully, get this: under 'Lunar Influence,' it says, 'the manatee hugs the submarine.' Clearly, that’s symbolic of forbidden love breaching emotional depth. Or maybe it means we should open ourselves to impossible connections - like that time... well, you know.
Or it means someone behind that horoscope website was sleep-deprived, too. Let’s stick to the facts, Mulder. The only quiet force shaping your journey is your overactive imagination.
Gemini 
May 21 - June 21
Scully, I just read my horoscope. It says a playful breeze is stirring my soul today. You can’t ignore the metaphysical implications of that.
Mulder, playful breezes aside, I don’t see what mild atmospheric changes have to do with you believing horoscopes. Isn’t this a little out of your wheelhouse?
It specifically warns of arguments and advises me to choose my battles wisely. I can’t help but think about how every time I try to share the truth - like that time in Oregon - I end up fighting with everyone, even you. Maybe this horoscope is onto something.
Or maybe it’s just vague enough to apply to anyone, especially people who seek out trouble. Which, coincidentally, would describe you.
But Scully, it also talks about struggling between indulging and wanting to fit into my clothes. Tell me that doesn’t connect - haven’t you noticed the vending machines at headquarters seem particularly sinister? Maybe there’s a greater conspiracy at play.
So, you’re saying the universe wants you to avoid sunflower seeds this week? I think your horoscope just wants you to eat a salad for once.
It even mentions career ambitions and social connections. Remember how we had to maneuver through Bureau politics, never knowing who to trust? How can I ignore cosmic advice that lines up with everything we face on a daily basis?
If your career ambitions mean less time chasing invisible ink in smoke, I fully support the horoscope’s guidance. But I’m not sure cuttlefish and lunar influences are the key to Bureau advancement.
But Scully - the horoscope says the cuttlefish writes in smoke and truth lasts only as long as the current. Clearly, it’s a metaphor for how fleeting evidence can be, just like when we were chasing that shapeshifter in Pennsylvania - nothing stays solid for long.
Or perhaps it just means you’ll forget about all of this by lunch. I wouldn’t worry about your soul or your snacks, Mulder. Focus on the case files in front of you instead.
Cancer 
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, you seem uncharacteristically contemplative today. Did you find something interesting in one of your...sources?
Scully, I read my horoscope this morning and it was disturbingly accurate. It said my gentle instincts are guiding me right now, that emotions and ego are having a sleepover in my psyche.
Gentle instincts? You're not seriously basing your day on an astrological reading, are you?
Just hear me out. It also warned about mood swings - one minute feeling like I could control the world, the next questioning whether anyone even likes me. That explains a lot about our last foray with Skinner's report.
You don't need the stars to tell you you're dramatic, Mulder. And for what it's worth, some people like you - when you're not breaking into government facilities.
It said this would influence what I believe and how I learn, Scully. Said I'd be caught between thinking I'm psychic and just being paranoid. Isn't that the story of my life?
Or you're just more susceptible to suggestion than you want to admit.
But here's the clincher - the horoscope mentioned a lunar influence, something about a whale's song cracking a glacier, and that what’s frozen must eventually weep. Remember what happened in Alaska, Scully? Sometimes the impossible evidence needs the right vibration to reveal itself.
So now you're equating horoscopes to seismic activity and marine biology? Next you'll tell me I should pack snacks for your existential crises.
Maybe you should. If my horoscope’s right, we'll need them before the day is over.
Leo 
July 23 - August 22
Scully, I just read something that's totally going to dictate the course of my day. Apparently, my horoscope says I'm going to be oscillating between feeling like an all-powerful ruler and questioning whether anyone actually likes me. It's no wonder - I'm surrounded by so many secret agendas. Maybe the Syndicate members are sending out bad vibes again.
Mulder, you can't blame your paranoia on the stars. Besides, I think you're always oscillating between dramatic confidence and existential crisis, horoscope or not.
You know what else it said? 'Emotions and ego are having a sleepover.' Does that sound at all familiar to you? I feel like that describes every time I see Spender skulking around headquarters.
It sounds more like someone just wanted to make astrology sound edgy. Are you planning on letting mood swings direct our investigation today, or will you have time for scientific evidence in between snacks?
Actually, snacks are encouraged by the horoscope, too. I think I’ll bring sunflower seeds for emotional support. But here’s where it gets really interesting - 'reality is optional.' Scully, reality has always been optional. I’ve been saying that for years.
If reality is optional, then you should probably double check you’re wearing pants before we leave the office, just like it said. Surrealism is only charming to a point.
And another thing - the lunar influence mentions a lionfish. Beautiful, venomous, defensive. Remind you of anyone you know? Or maybe some of the cases we’ve had - those with beauty and danger so intricately intertwined.
Mulder, are you comparing yourself to a poisonous fish now? Or is this another one of your attempts to warn me about the dangers hidden beneath the surface of everyday life?
Virgo 
August 23 - September 22
Scully, have you ever woken up and just known it was going to be one of those days when your sense of structure defies all odds? My horoscope practically demanded that I act like a responsible adult today. I think the universe might finally be aligning in my favor.
Mulder, you do realize that feeling responsible for a morning doesn't mean you suddenly have to turn your life upside down, right? Since when do you take horoscopes seriously, anyway?
You know me, Scully, open mind and all that. But get this - it said my relationships would be tested today, something about arguments and choosing my battles wisely. Makes you think, doesn't it? Maybe the cosmos is warning me to be careful around certain skeptical partners.
Or maybe it's just a vague prediction designed so that anyone reading it thinks it's about them. How exactly is a steady day supposed to lead to inevitable arguments? That sounds more like what happens every time you ask Skinner to approve an unexplained expense.
That’s just it - the forecast practically encouraged me to lean into the weirdness, even to let the arguments happen for our own amusement. It feels almost nostalgic, doesn’t it? Like when you and I had to debate the existence of invisible entities in those quarantined woods.
Nostalgic isn’t the word I’d use. Also, the part about the 'nautilus forgetting its math' - any idea what that means? Or are you about to launch into a theory involving prehistoric marine conspiracies?
Consider this, Scully: the nautilus, that paragon of geometric precision, forgets its sense of order and just unravels. Spirals out beautifully, unpredictably. Maybe there’s something to be said for letting go, just for today. Maybe we could investigate what happens to methodical minds when the ordinary rules stop applying - even your rules.
I think it just means not everything needs to make perfect sense, Mulder. But if you start acting more responsible, I'll believe the spiral of time itself has come undone.
Libra 
September 23 - October 23
You seem unusually chipper today, Mulder. Did something happen, or are you just excited to be back in the office with a stack of unsolvable cases?
Funny you should ask, Scully. I read my horoscope this morning - it said I’m uplifted by harmonious energy, and that I woke up as a responsible adult. I have to admit, I did make my bed for the first time in, well, years.
Harmonious energy, Mulder? You do realize horoscopes are vague on purpose, right? Responsible adults also don’t go chasing after alleged alien lifeforms in the middle of rural Delaware.
That’s precisely why today may be different. Apparently, this rare surge of adulting will help me with my daily routines. I might even skip the sunflower seeds at lunch. It’s a cosmic chance to fit into my old suits - before it wears off, clearly.
So the stars have convinced you to pass on snacks but not on, say, chasing clandestine government conspiracies? How does this tie into your relationships? Is the universe finally telling you to be less obsessive?
That’s the struggle, Scully - the horoscope says indulgence and discipline are at war. Like the betta fish, apparently, I’m locked in conflict with my own reflection. Makes you wonder if Deep Throat ever consulted the lunar influence before handing over a classified file.
I’ll bet he didn’t. Though I’m glad your horoscope didn’t warn you about shadowy men in trench coats. We have enough wars without you picking one with your mirror, Mulder.
Scorpio 
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, why are you pacing around with that look on your face? Did you find a new conspiracy theory in the coffee machine?
Not quite, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and let me tell you, there's some serious cosmic turbulence happening today. Apparently, a deep power is stirring and arguments are on the horizon. It said I should choose my battles, but where's the fun in that?
You’re letting a horoscope dictate your mood now? Deep power stirring sounds more like a caffeine overdose. And since when were you picky about which battles you pick?
You have to admit, the universe always throws us into arguments whether we want them or not. Creative pursuits are at stake here, Scully! My emotions and ego are apparently having a sleepover. It’s no wonder I oscillate between feeling like I’m onto some world-shattering truth and then suddenly doubting whether Skinner will even sign off on my reports.
So you’re telling me we should expect you to swing between unraveling government plots and existential crisis - again - because your stars said so? Does your horoscope also suggest snacks for mood swings, or is that just your new coping mechanism since those sunflower seeds went missing?
Hey, snacks are a scientific necessity when navigating cosmic chaos, Scully. Besides, the horoscope compares surviving this day to the hagfish tying itself in knots. Survival is a slippery art. Remember that warehouse in Oregon? It took a little knot-tying of our own to get out of there alive. Maybe there’s more to the lunar influence than meets the eye.
Mulder, if you start comparing yourself to a slime-producing eel, I think we’re overdue for mandatory psychological evaluations. Or a vacation. Preferably somewhere without lunar metaphors or ancient knots.
Sagittarius 
November 22 - December 21
Mulder, why are you carrying a bag of chips and... is that leftover pie from the break room?
Scully, I'm just preparing for the emotional odyssey my horoscope warned me about. Apparently, today I'm being fueled by 'expansive energy.' I need to be ready for the mood swings between 'I rule the world,' and 'Does anyone even like me?' Snacks are crucial.
Are you really using your horoscope as justification for pilfering office pastries, Mulder? And expansive energy? You sound like you just swapped life stories with a sentient blob of electricity.
I can't rule out the blob sentience theory, Scully, especially after seeing what happened to Agent Pendrell in the lab last week. But look – it says this will especially affect my home life. Maybe that's why my apartment keeps rearranging itself. Or the fish tank keeps bubbling even when it's unplugged.
Did you ever consider that might be a sign you should call maintenance instead of blaming it on lunar influences and, quote, 'flying fish clearing the moon?' Mulder, I think reality's catching up with you - and you might not be wearing pants.
You're missing the cosmic connection, Scully. The horoscope says reality is optional today. That's practically carte blanche for the unexplained. If gravity forgets the devout, then maybe it's time to revisit those photos of levitation from the X-File you debunked in 1994.
Or maybe it's time you double-checked your wardrobe before launching into another monologue about lunar gravity. Just try not to go outside wearing only your beliefs, Mulder.
Capricorn 
December 22 - January 19
You look unusually serious this morning, Mulder. Did you finally decide to stop eating sunflower seeds for breakfast?
Scully, I woke up feeling... different. Like I’m suddenly occupying the body of a responsible member of society. I even considered making my bed. I think it’s a sign.
You think making your bed is a cosmic event? Are you sure you’re feeling alright?
Hear me out. My horoscope said a 'resolute heart' is driving my way. Apparently, it’s a day for taking charge and - get this - responsible adulthood. I almost paid my bills before I came to work, Scully!
You? Paying bills on time? That really would be out of this world.
The stars - well, the sturgeon, actually - say I should be careful communicating today. Arguments will be had. Choose my battles wisely. Maybe it’s a cosmic warning about debating you over forensics in the autopsy room.
Or perhaps it’s just practical advice for anyone who works with you, Mulder. Are you sure you aren’t just projecting because you’re still recovering from our last run-in with an overzealous sheriff?
Don’t ignore the lunar influence, Scully. The sturgeon is carrying 'river runes,' ancient wisdom in mute flesh. Maybe that’s what I need - wisdom that doesn’t talk back.
Or maybe you’re just hoping the universe will let you win an argument for once. Do you really think your horoscope is dictating how you’ll interact with me today?
Only if I get to blame the moon and mysterious aquatic creatures for my behavior. I mean, it’s at least as plausible as alien mollusks or a psychic twin, isn’t it?
Aquarius 
January 20 - February 18
Why are you standing there looking so smug, Mulder? You haven't mentioned a government conspiracy in ten minutes.
Scully, it’s uncanny. Today’s horoscope said ‘Progressive will lights your path.’ Doesn’t that sound like the universe nudging me toward new revelations? Then I woke up feeling like an actual responsible adult. Isn’t that bizarre? Maybe I’m finally maturing into my next phase.
Or maybe you just got enough sleep for once. Horoscopes don’t dictate behavior, Mulder. Most people call that experiencing a normal day.
No, listen - my horoscope says my values and resources are in flux. That’s right in line with how I’m questioning the nature of our work and the evidence we collect. Should I trust my instincts, or stick to rational methods? I’m swinging between confidence and existential crisis here, Scully.
Mood swings aren’t exactly a sign from the stars. If your ego’s having a ‘sleepover’ with your emotions, maybe it’s just low blood sugar. Did you have breakfast this morning, or are you just craving sunflower seeds again?
Ha - very funny. But get this: the horoscope mentions a ‘bio-luminescent squid alien light.’ Tell me that doesn’t remind you of those mysterious flashes we saw off the coast of the Pacific Northwest. Maybe there’s meaning to our investigations beneath the surface - literally and metaphorically.
Mulder, are you honestly taking guidance from a horoscope comparing your day to an alien squid? We’re supposed to rely on forensics and hard science, not astrological metaphor.
But Scully, that’s the thing. Sometimes the universe - whether through horoscopes, squid, or unexplained phenomena - tries to light the path when we least expect it. Maybe today is the day we finally uncover a truth both of us can believe in. Would you pass me those snacks just in case the existential crisis hits again?
Pisces 
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, you’ve been staring at your phone for the past five minutes. Should I be worried, or is it just another cryptic message from you-know-who?
Not this time, Scully. I just read my horoscope and it says reality is optional today - which, let’s face it, explains a lot. Apparently, I'm being guided by intuitive energy. Maybe those voices I hear are just heightened perception, not paranoia.
Or it's caffeine withdrawal. Mulder, horoscopes aren’t exactly scientific evidence. Next time you’re guided by 'intuitive energy,' make sure you’re also guided by common sense, especially if it’s warning you to check whether you're wearing pants before leaving the apartment.
Nice try, Scully, but what if being psychic just looks like being paranoid to everyone else? Remember that time with Modell - the lines got blurred between what was real and what was just suggestion. Maybe I’m tapping into something greater.
Or maybe the only thing you’re tapping into is your desire to make wild theories about everything, including your wardrobe. The only intuitive energy I see is your ability to lose socks in a hotel room.
But think about it, Scully. The horoscope talked about personal expression and wanting to indulge but also fit into my clothes. Doesn’t that remind you of how we’re always tempted by the truth, but have to wear the uniform of reason to keep our jobs?
If you start showing up in pajama pants to briefings, Mulder, I’m telling Skinner this is your horoscope’s fault. An ocean of lost goldfish memories won’t save you from HR.
Maybe, Scully. But maybe the goldfish remembers the ocean. What we’ve lost still shapes who we are - like all the things we can’t explain. In any case, thanks for confirming I am, in fact, wearing pants.