Aries
March 21 - April 19
You’re looking extra intense today, Mulder. Did something happen? Please don’t tell me you found another crop circle in Arlington.
No, Scully. But according to my horoscope, I'm being guided by a bold vision today. Like the universe itself wants me to take a leap - possibly straight into the fire.
Let me guess: you’re equating that to our next assignment involving volatile emotions and accidental transformations.
Don’t diminish the synchronicity, Scully. The stars specifically mention emotional volatility. I mean, I almost wept at a video of a basset hound rescuing a kitten this morning. That never happens. Except maybe after lack of sleep in Oregon.
Or maybe because you were up all night cataloguing unexplained light anomalies in 1990s VHS footage, but sure, let’s blame Scorpio and Aries.
And get this, apparently my texts are ‘dangerously charming’ and I might accidentally end up flirting. It’s cosmic! I sent Skinner a simple update and he replied with a winking emoji.
Maybe he just suspects you’ve been dipping into his office supplies again. But I imagine the universe would find you dangerously charming… in a ‘problematic’ sort of way.
Exactly! The horoscope literally says I’ll be attracted to someone problematic. That’s been my story since I first met you - in a completely professional sense, of course.
Well, if your spiritual side needs transformation today, you might want to save the bold vision for after you file that expense report. Passion becoming transformation is best left outside the accounting department.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, why are you looking at your phone like that? Did you find another paranormal hotline number to call in the middle of the night?
Not exactly, Scully. I was just reading my horoscope, and it's pretty clear that everything today is cosmically rigged against me. I mean, it says my emotions are going to be volatile and I may cry at dog videos. That doesn't seem arbitrary, does it?
Mulder, the only thing volatile around here is your belief in these predictions. Last week you thought a haunted toaster was sending you secret messages. Are you really going to let this affect your work?
You say that, but this isn't just about work, Scully. The stars have decreed that my texts are dangerously charming today - accidental flirting may occur. That's not just a warning, it's a tactical advantage. And it specifically mentions relationships being affected.
So if you start getting more dates than usual, you'll attribute it to your horoscope and not, say, your own questionable decision-making? Mulder, that sounds more like a self-fulfilling prophecy than cosmic insight.
It's entirely scientific, Scully. The moon's in Scorpio, Taurus is feeling unstable, and apparently I'm destined to be attracted to someone problematic. Story of my life, wouldn't you say? Remember that informant who used to leave cryptic notes in my car? Dangerously charming - and certainly problematic.
I'll give you dangerously charming, but I still don't think your horoscope is to blame for your attraction to chaos and conspiracy. Maybe the universe is just trying to tell you to get some sleep.
Love as a sacred undoing, Scully. Maybe the real X-File is how the stars seem to know me this well.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you've been staring at your phone and grinning for the last ten minutes. Should I be concerned, or is this another one of your...investigations?
Actually, Scully, I was just reading my horoscope, and it’s practically a blueprint for my day. It says a burst of brilliance is steering my course - so if I make any groundbreaking discoveries, you’ll know why.
Your brilliance is rarely in question, Mulder. But I hope your messages aren’t as ‘dangerously charming’ as your horoscope claims. It might not go over well in the field reports.
You underestimate the persuasive power of a well-placed winking emoji, Scully. Apparently, today I could accidentally flirt my way to career advancement. I’ll try to keep it professional - unless I run into another shape-shifter. Then all bets are off.
So what’s the odds you’ll be attracted to someone problematic in the next forty-eight hours? Your track record makes that more of a certainty than a prediction.
Guilty as charged. It’s literally the story of my life. The more mysterious, the more irresistible. My horoscope even told me: curiosity will meet mystery in shadowed corridors. I’m thinking that’s code for our next visit to the basement.
Shadowed corridors, Mulder? Maybe you’re just over-caffeinated. Or maybe you forgot the foundation of science isn’t astrology - it's reproducible results.
Come on, Scully, you can’t tell me you don’t feel the lunar influence. Scorpio and Gemini, secrets and curiosity? It’s like someone out there wants us to chase the unexplained all night.
The only thing influencing me right now is a desire for fact-based evidence and a firm limit on your emotional volatility. Or do I need to warn you against crying at dog videos between interviews with potential suspects?
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like that? You look either deeply moved or mildly offended.
Scully, I just read my horoscope and I think it could explain everything - the strange mood swings I’ve been feeling, the sudden urge to cry at that video of the dog being reunited with his owner after three years.
You’re blaming your emotional volatility on a horoscope now? Not, say, sleep deprivation or the fact that we haven’t had coffee yet?
Coffee has nothing on this, Scully. It says my emotions are vulnerable. It must be the lunar influence - Scorpio is deepening Cancer’s tides today. My soul feels ready to swim into ancestral truths. I think it’s the perfect day for creative work on our next report. Unless, of course, someone ruins the vibe.
So if I so much as question your conclusions today, I’m responsible for sabotaging your cosmic creative energy? Mulder, our job requires evidence, not vibes.
But my texts are dangerously charming today, Scully. If the Bureau had let me use emoticons back when we were dealing with those clones, things might’ve turned out differently.
I’m sure that’s exactly what was missing in your communication with the clones - a few well-placed emojis. Mulder, maybe just try to go a day without letting astral phenomena dictate your mood?
I’ll try, Scully, but scientifically speaking, anything is possible under Scorpio’s lunar influence. Even you sending a text with a smiley face.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You seem distracted today, Mulder. Let me guess - you read something astrological at breakfast?
You have no idea, Scully. There’s a cosmic energy pulsing through me right now. According to my horoscope, my soul’s practically radioactive, and today my emotions could explode at any second.
Is that why you were tearing up over that video of the beagle rescue earlier? Mulder, it’s unlike you to be so… sentimental.
That’s just it! The warning was clear: ‘May cry at dog videos.’ If that’s not a message from the universe, what is? The horoscope said this would especially impact my home life. Maybe I should warn my fish tank - prepare them for a tidal wave.
If your aquarium starts receiving poetic declarations of love by text, then I’ll be concerned. Though, you are being oddly charming over the phone today, Mulder. Flirtation is accidental, is it?
Not my fault - it’s an astral side effect. Apparently, anyone I talk to is in danger of falling under my spell, which could lead to some ‘problematic’ attractions. Story of my life, right? Remember that time we investigated the shapeshifter in Baltimore? The less said, the better.
Mulder, are you planning to blame the moon for every questionable decision this week? Also, for your information, Scorpio and Leo aren’t usually cosmic partners. Perhaps you’re just looking for something mysterious where there’s only basic chemistry.
Ah, but you see, Scully: Scorpio darkening Leo’s glow - devotion and depth. It’s the push-and-pull of the hidden and the heroic. In short, exactly how we work together every day.
If that means you’re going to continue blaming planetary alignments for your impulsive behavior, I’ll make sure to factor lunar influence into my filed reports.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, you look like you've just solved the Bermuda Triangle. What's put that spark in your eye this morning?
Scully, I just read my daily horoscope and, frankly, I think it's describing my entire existence - it's uncanny. Apparently, my texts are 'dangerously charming' today and I'm bound to accidentally flirt. I might need to keep my phone locked up, in case I bring about an international incident.
Dangerously charming? Mulder, most people would just call that poor autocorrect. Are you really letting a horoscope dictate whether you can safely send a message?
Normally I'd agree, Scully, but it also warned that I might cry at dog videos. Tell me that's not profoundly prophetic after what happened with Queequeg. Plus, the horoscope says I'll be attracted to someone problematic. That sounds suspiciously like my entire dating history - and maybe a few of our informants.
So the cosmos is warning you against your own poor decisions? Seems redundant. Besides, if you start crying over viral videos instead of government conspiracies, I'll really start to worry.
Wait, there's more. Lunar influences - Scorpio is challenging Virgo's order, and apparently complexity wants to dance with precision. Scully, maybe embracing chaos is the next step in our ongoing quest for the truth. What if precision isn’t always the answer?
Mulder, precision is why we're not still chasing flukemen in New Jersey. Maybe leave the cosmic chaos to the astrologers and stick to the facts.
You say that now, but when a clear path defines your rhythm - and I start solving cases by intuition alone - you'll be the first to call it a miracle. Or... an X-File.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
You seem unusually upbeat this morning, Mulder. Did something happen, or is this part of your latest theory about government mind control via coffee beans?
No, Scully. According to my horoscope, today’s got a ‘harmonious flow’ to it - my texts are apparently, and I quote, 'dangerously charming.' So, watch out. I might accidentally flirt by discussing crop circles or spontaneous human combustion.
Mulder, flirting isn’t generally associated with test results from the lab or your conspiracy newsletters. Do you consider sending me autopsy photos as ‘charming’?
Depends on the recipient. But it does warn me - emotions will be volatile today. There might be tears over a touching dog video. Do you remember Queequeg? Maybe that’s what they’re referring to. Lunar influence, Scully. Scorpio testing Libra’s grace.
So, the moon is responsible for you sending emojis and overanalyzing lost pets now? Be honest, Mulder, is this why you’ve been humming the Star Wars theme at your desk all morning?
I think you’re missing the bigger picture. It says I’ll be attracted to someone problematic. That has a certain familiar ring to it, don’t you think? Danger, intrigue... possibly an informant with a tragic past. Classic, right?
Or maybe it just means you should stay away from the vending machine for a day. You give too much power to planetary alignments, Mulder. You know statistics show that people are more likely to trust horoscopes just because they’re vague and flattering.
But what if that ‘creative pursuit’ the horoscope mentions leads to a breakthrough? Maybe a new connection between mysterious dog behavior and our electrical blackout cases. You have to admit, Scully, the universe loves sending us messages.
If the universe is sending you a message, Mulder, I suspect it’s 'get more sleep.' And maybe avoid scrolling through animal rescue videos until your ‘volatile emotions’ have had some decaf.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, you look like you just found another clue on your computer. What is it this time?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and apparently, a 'dark glow' is igniting my day. I think we're talking about serious cosmic fire here - possibly even a spontaneous combustion of emotions. I’d say that lines up pretty well with our current case, don’t you think?
You realize horoscopes are the pseudoscience we roll our eyes at, right? And what exactly is a 'dark glow' - a paradoxical mood enhancer?
No, Scully, it means today I’m volatile - so don’t be surprised if I get teary watching footage of the Lone Gunmen’s pet ferret. It says I might accidentally flirt just by texting someone. Maybe finally I’ll get the mysterious mechanisms of social interaction right...or disastrously wrong.
So, you’re warning me that any charming texts I get from you today are truly accidental? That’ll be a first. And for the record, I don’t think your love life needs any more problematic entanglements.
You know, the horoscope literally says I’ll be drawn to someone problematic. Honestly, that does seem to be my type - aliens, clones, government informants. Maybe the lunar influence is to blame. When Scorpio meets itself, it’s about rebirth through fire and shadow. I’ve spent enough time in the dark trying to find the truth - maybe it’s the universe’s way of keeping things… interesting.
Or maybe it’s just the universe’s way of telling you to stop seeking cosmic answers in the back of a magazine. I’ll believe in lunar influences the day cancer cells start behaving according to their star sign. Until then, I suggest we focus on evidence - regardless of how reborn you feel.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You look oddly upbeat today, Mulder. Should I be concerned, or has another secret informant given you some classified scoop?
Actually, Scully, it’s written in the stars. My horoscope says I’m guided by a quest for truth today. So, yes, I’m embracing only good vibes, unless something or someone kills my buzz, which is statistically likely, knowing our luck.
Right. And let me guess - if you start feeling a little volatile, we can blame your 'spiritual side' and not, say, the third cup of coffee you had this morning?
Scully, my spiritual side is in a delicate equilibrium. The lunar influence is all over Scorpio and Sagittarius - faith, mortality, the search for unexplainable truths. It does seem oddly familiar, don’t you think?
If by familiar you mean you making grand leaps based on cosmic interpretations and me trying to keep us tethered to reality, yes. So, should I expect tears if we pass a dog and its owner playing frisbee at the park? Or is that just the horoscope talking?
Don’t mock the stars, Scully. The universe can make grown men cry at puppy videos. I’ll have you know my texts are apparently 'dangerously charming' today, so expect to be dazzled if I need to update Skinner.
Dangerously charming? Mulder, last time you left Skinner a voicemail, you accidentally sent him that audio of you humming the X-Files theme. Maybe use your powers for good this time.
Noted. Still, maybe there’s something to this - seeking what can’t be unlearned. It reminds me of that time we looked into the phenomenon with the children aging backward. Some truths just refuse to fade, no matter how much we want them to.
I just hope the only thing refusing to fade today is your faith in empirical evidence. Now, do you want to follow the truth, or follow your horoscope?
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Mulder, are you alright? You look a little… distracted. Don’t tell me you’re actually reading your horoscope.
I am, Scully, and I have to say, this one really speaks to me. Apparently, a strong climb is guiding my path today. Maybe it's a sign that we’re meant to dig deeper into this case - or, you know, finally get credit for those extraterrestrial encounters no one wants to talk about.
Or perhaps it just means you’re supposed to use the elevator instead of taking the stairs for once. What else does your horoscope say, Mulder?
Well, it warns me that my emotions might be volatile today. Says I could even cry at dog videos. I guess I should avoid watching any surveillance footage of stray animals - unless you want to see me get all weepy in the conference room again.
Again? Please tell me you’re not using Bureau resources to watch animal clips.
Only during lunch. But honestly, it goes on to say my texts are 'dangerously charming' and that accidental flirting may occur. I think that explains the awkward late-night chat with Skinner about alien viruses. These things just happen to me, Scully.
If your texting habits are attracting attention, Mulder, maybe it’s not planetary alignment. Maybe you just need to think before you send. What else does your astrological destiny have in store for you?
Apparently, I’ll be attracted to someone 'problematic.' Story of my life, right? I mean, it’s like the stars know about all those individuals we’ve encountered - the ones who disappear, reappear, or have questionable allegiances. It’s almost uncanny, Scully.
I’d say you’re more attracted to unsolved mysteries than problematic people, Mulder. But out of curiosity, does it warn you about shadowy informants and conspiracy theorists too?
Not directly. But listen to this: ‘Lunar influence in Scorpio strengthens Capricorn’s will. Ambition learns depth, and legacy becomes a journey inward.’ If that doesn’t scream lifelong pursuit of the truth with the occasional brush with government secrets, I don’t know what does.
Or it just means you’re in for another sleepless night obsessing over case files and cold pizza. Let the stars guide you, Mulder, but try not to let them make you miss lunch - again.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You look a bit preoccupied, Mulder. Something on your mind, or did you just have another one of your epiphanies?
Scully, you're never going to believe this, but my horoscope just confirmed everything about my approach to life. It said a bold mind shapes the course, I'm drawn to problematic people, and my emotions are set to run high today - possibly even at dog videos. It’s uncanny.
First of all, dog videos? Secondly, I hardly think you need a horoscope to realize you’re often attracted to the most complicated people and conspiracies imaginable. That’s just Tuesday for you.
It also warned that my texts are dangerously charming today, which could lead to accidental flirting. I mean, do you remember that time with Detective White in California? In hindsight, the stars may have aligned a little too closely.
Or maybe you just have an unerring ability to find yourself in awkward situations, planetary alignment or not. And what exactly does 'Scorpio invading Aquarius’ detachment' mean to you?
It’s all about emotion disrupting logic, Scully. Like when the unexplained bleeds into the explainable - revolutionary healing, apparently. Makes you wonder if the lunar influence could help you open your mind to... well, just about anything.
So, let me get this straight. You’re attributing your career ambitions, your penchant for emotional dramatics, and even potential tears at animal videos to a lunar shift? You can’t possibly believe that’s scientific.
Not scientific, Scully - just fate. Besides, if today’s horoscope is right, maybe we’re both in for some revolutionary healing. Or at the very least, I should keep my phone out of reach if a puppy commercial comes on.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You seem unusually upbeat today, Mulder. Should I be worried or is it just some new theory?
Actually, Scully, I read my horoscope this morning and it said 'ethereal vibes lift your spirit' and to expect only good vibes - as long as no one kills my buzz. So, I'm riding a cosmic wave of positivity. Might even shed a tear at a dog video.
Is that why you were teary-eyed watching that commercial with the golden retriever? Mulder, you can’t seriously think the alignment of the moon has any influence over your emotions.
Well, considering how the horoscope warned that emotions might be volatile, I think it’s possible lunar influences could amplify empathy - especially with Scorpio diving into Pisces. The mystic meets the sorcerer. Maybe today’s a good day to solve an impossible case by following my intuition.
Mystic meets sorcerer? Mulder, last time you followed your intuition influenced by cosmic suggestions, we ended up in a haunted house. Are you sure this isn’t just another excuse for your, let’s say, unconventional approach?
Unconventional or not, Scully, the stars said my texts are dangerously charming today. Maybe my belief system is due for a little shake-up - a fusion of compassion and power, as the horoscope puts it. You never know when the next revelation will come.
If you start referring to yourself as the mystic or the sorcerer, I’m confiscating your phone. Let’s see if the good vibes survive an autopsy report.