Aries
March 21 - April 19
You’ve been awfully animated this morning, Mulder. Did you come across more evidence of alien involvement in the coffee supply?
Very funny, Scully, but it’s bigger than that. My horoscope said today’s charged with dynamic energy and old emotional wounds need my attention. Like a cosmic autopsy for the psyche - doesn’t that resonate?
You know my feelings on horoscopes, Mulder. But if you’re suggesting you’ve been emotionally wounded by paperwork, then yes, it’s written all over your face.
No, Scully, it’s not about the paperwork. It's about inner transformation. Maybe it’s like that time in the woods, the cave, that lightning - what if that event didn’t just burn the trees, but something inside me? Maybe it’s all connected. My horoscope even said my texts are dangerously charming today. It’s like the universe wants me to flirt with mystery.
I hope the universe isn’t suggesting you start texting suspects. Or is this another excuse for questionable communication choices, like the time you tried to reach out to that very problematic individual we promised not to mention anymore?
In my defense, Scully, I was following a cosmic prompting. It said I'd be attracted to someone problematic - story of my life, right? I’m just trying to embrace my spiritual side. Like the lunar influence: a lightning strike in a cave, illuminating hidden depths. What if my destiny is to shine a light on the truths nobody wants to see?
Well, if your destiny involves accidental flirting, Mulder, just try to keep it professional. And if any hidden depths get illuminated today, let’s hope they involve the case files - rather than your inbox.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You look unusually contemplative, Mulder. Is there a new conspiracy afoot or did you just read your horoscope again?
You know me too well, Scully. According to the stars, I'm supposed to be a tranquil force today - balancing cosmic chaos with serenity. Something about old emotional wounds resurfacing and having a profound effect on my relationships.
Emotional wounds, Mulder? Are you suggesting your current mood is because of planetary alignment and not the forty unanswered voicemails on your phone?
The horoscope mentioned my texts could be dangerously charming today... accidental flirting may occur. I'm just warning you; if anyone finds my replies irresistible, it's not my fault, it's lunar influence! Like that time our suspect mistook my questions for an invitation.
Mulder, your text etiquette is more cryptic than charming. If someone is attracted to that, maybe they're just as problematic as you are.
Funny you mention problematic people, Scully. The stars specifically called out that I'd be attracted to someone troublesome today - story of my life, really. Remember that informant who turned out to be working both sides?
If you start blaming your career ambitions, or our next assignment, on lunar cycles, I might have to schedule a session with Dr. Werber for you.
I'm just saying: maybe today I'll be the bull in a labyrinth, navigating primal forces with ancient patience. Perhaps it's all connected, Scully - the mysteries out there and the ones inside ourselves.
Or maybe, Mulder, it's just Monday.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you look unusually enthusiastic this morning. What's going on?
You’re not going to believe this, Scully, but according to my horoscope today, I’m apparently a wordsmith of cosmic proportions. Dangerously charming, even. So if my texts seem a little... flirtatious, blame the stars, not the sender.
The stars, Mulder? I’m not sure your texts have ever been accused of being 'dangerously charming.' Is this your excuse for all those late-night messages with conspiracy theories?
No, no, this goes beyond conspiracy. My horoscope warns me: attraction to a problematic figure, influencing my career ambitions. Is it just me, or does this sound like every informant I’ve ever met?
Or maybe it’s foreshadowing yet another run-in with an authority figure who wants to shut us down. I wouldn’t call them charming, though.
But there's more. Apparently, I’m emotionally articulate today - a rare celestial event. So if I suddenly start waxing poetic about government cover-ups or little green men, you’ll know why.
I’ll be sure to alert the press. But Mulder, just because a horoscope says you’re articulate doesn’t mean the world’s going to start accepting the existence of mutants overnight.
The lunar influence whispers otherwise, Scully. Supposedly my words now carry more weight - like a voice echoing in a crypt. Maybe today’s the day someone takes me seriously at headquarters. Or at least doesn’t laugh at my chalkboard sketches.
Or maybe you just need to remember: Not all cryptic messages are actual whispers in a crypt, Mulder. Sometimes people are just bored. Or avoiding paperwork.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You seem unusually upbeat today, Mulder. Did something happen, or did you just uncover another government conspiracy over your morning coffee?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope and it says my journey is going to be lifted by warm sensitivity. Apparently, the stars think it's a good time for me to address some old emotional wounds - preferably before the next mutant sea creature decides to resurface.
So the cosmos is telling you what you refused to hear in therapy? And how does this affect your daily search for shadowy truths and supernatural answers?
Well, according to this, my emotional clarity today is a rare, beautiful thing. I should savor it. Maybe it'll help me crack the next case before Skinner asks if I've been talking to informants in smoky parking garages again.
You're remarkably self-assured for someone who's supposed to be emotionally vulnerable right now.
That's just it, Scully. The lunar influence is strong - like an oyster growing a pearl in the ocean's abyss. Under pressure, new treasures form. Maybe today's the day I write a report Skinner can actually understand.
Or maybe your creative pursuits should stay out of the X-Files case reports. And what was that about dangerously charming texts? Should I be concerned about the recipients of your late-night messages?
Don't worry, Scully. If my texts are accidentally flirtatious, I'll just blame it on cosmic alignment. It's not like anyone else but you and I read them, anyway.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, you look like you're deep in thought. Something on your mind, or are you just trying to set another pencil-throwing record today?
Actually, Scully, I was just reading my horoscope. According to the stars - or, you know, government-controlled celestial objects - today is all about old wounds resurfacing and dramatic flair coloring my day. Kind of like when you get those calls from your mom.
So let me get this straight. Cosmic forces are telling you to revisit your emotional baggage? And you're taking this seriously?
It's not just that. Apparently, my texts are so dangerously charming today that I might accidentally flirt with someone. It's practically a warning for international incidents. Maybe I should have thought twice before messaging Skinner about my theory on lunar influence.
Accidental flirting? Is that what you call your last exchange with Diana now? And what, exactly, does a 'blacksmith’s forge passion' mean? Please, indulge me.
It's symbolism, Scully. The lunar influence is forging something new out of old pains - like when we were in that small town and reality was literally reshaped around people's feelings. I'm just saying, maybe we're due for a transformative experience that starts at home. Or at least in the basement office.
So to recap, the cosmos wants you to confront emotional scars, accidentally seduce people, and undergo an inner transformation triggered by household drama. And you expect me to follow you into this blacksmith’s forge of passion because of a horoscope?
Would you prefer the alternative, Scully? That we ignore cosmic omens and risk being unprepared for the next time reality decides to bend to someone’s subconscious angst? You never know - maybe today’s drama is tomorrow’s case file.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You seem unusually upbeat today, Mulder. Did you get a new theory, or just fewer hours of sleep than usual?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope and it’s pretty clear the universe is aligning for me today. It says I’m guided by a calm order, my words are dangerously charming - potentially flirty, even - so you might want to be careful.
Flirty? Mulder, the last time you tried to be charming, we nearly got arrested by a small-town sheriff. Are you sure that’s not just more of your foot-in-mouth syndrome?
No, Scully, this is different. There’s an emotional clarity running through me, razor-sharp, like a surgeon’s hand, thanks to the lunar influence. I feel like I could negotiate with a Cigarette-Smoking Man and he’d walk away confused and charmed.
Mulder, lunar influence aside, ‘dangerously charming’ sounds less like a strength and more like you’re just primed to put your foot in your mouth. Again.
But isn’t that what makes life interesting, Scully? A slip of the tongue here, a little accidental flirting there. Maybe the universe wants me to shake things up, like when I nearly got abducted by that cult leader. Only this time, I’ll talk my way out of trouble.
Just try not to talk us into a federal inquiry - or an awkward double date with Skinner. I’d prefer at least one day with calm order.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like you've just uncovered government secrets in your inbox?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and, honestly, it's unsettling how accurate it is. Apparently, my 'texts are dangerously charming today' and I might, innocently, end up flirting just as part of my daily routine. It says I’ll be drawn to someone problematic. How is that not describing my entire career path?
So, what, you're suggesting that exchanging Intel with a potential informant is now an act of cosmic seduction?
Well, you can’t deny, Scully, there’s often a certain... magnetism at play. Remember how things went with Diana? Or that time we interrogated that ex-MIB with the unusual interest in pudding?
Mulder, correlation does not equal causation. I hardly think you can blame supernatural lunar influences for your communication style.
But it’s more than that, Scully. The horoscope says my old emotional wounds want attention. Is it the government conspiracy trauma? My sister? Something deep is clearly simmering beneath the surface, waiting for just the right planetary alignment.
Or maybe, Mulder, you just need to talk to someone and stop letting phone apps determine your destiny. Or should I sheath your metaphoric dagger in some extra silk today to keep the universe safe?
Silk, daggers, dangerous charm... Tell me that doesn’t sound like a standard day with the two of us. Admit it, Scully - the truth is out there. Maybe it’s written in the stars.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone with that look on your face? You look like you just found a new conspiracy website.
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and I think today might be the day everything comes together. It says a dark wave is guiding my actions, and my personal expression is going to be...well, dangerously charming.
Dangerously charming? Mulder, the last time you thought your personal expression was a cosmic weapon, you almost got thrown out of that FBI mixer.
That wasn’t the universe’s fault, Scully, that was Agent Pendrell’s punch recipe. Besides, this is different. Apparently, old emotional wounds are rising to the surface. The horoscope says I could even attract someone problematic. I can’t tell if it’s warning me about a shapeshifter - or someone from accounting.
Maybe it’s just suggesting you accidentally hit send on another outlandish bureau-wide memo. The only cosmic danger here is you embarrassing yourself in the group chat.
No, listen - there’s this lunar influence, the moment before a storm breaks, power thrumming beneath silence. It feels familiar, like that static in the air before those creatures showed up in Bellefleur. Maybe it’s a sign I need to follow my instincts. The truth could be just on the other side of this storm.
Or you're just feeling restless, Mulder. Not everything is a prelude to apocalypse - or a government cover-up. Maybe try channeling this stormy energy into your paperwork backlog instead of accidental flirting.
You’re saying you wouldn’t believe if I told you my texts are dangerously charming today? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see who the universe throws in my path: problematic or not.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Scully, it's more than destiny today. My horoscope says a 'gust of hope' is guiding my steps. I have a feeling the winds of change are here, and the universe is nudging me along like a benevolent informant.
Mulder, I doubt the universe is sending cryptic messages to your inbox. Besides, isn't hope your default setting? You see conspiracies in cloud patterns.
This one's different, Scully. It says old emotional wounds are 'demanding attention.' Maybe it's time I finally confront those memories from my childhood. Or maybe, you know, my unresolved issues with certain shadowy figures in parking garages.
Your entire life seems to be an exercise in reopening old wounds, Mulder. Are you sure this isn't just your way of validating your latest obsession?
Possibly. But listen - my horoscope also claims my texts are 'dangerously charming' today. Apparently, I'm at risk of accidental flirting. So if I accidentally send you a heart emoji later, that's the moon talking, not me.
Is that your excuse for every outlandish message in your drafts? Blame it on lunar influence? I suppose this is why Skinner gets those midnight emails from you about werewolves in the sewers.
There's science behind lunar cycles and human behavior, Scully. Even you have to admit the full moon does strange things. The horoscope says it's like holding a torch in the catacombs - my 'light makes even shadows interesting.' Maybe that's why the unexplained keeps following us, illuminating the dark corners.
Or maybe it's just you, Mulder. Attracting problematic people and situations is, after all, 'the story of your life.' If this is cosmic intervention, maybe the stars should offer us both hazard pay.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You seem unusually focused this morning, Mulder. Should I be questioning your sudden discipline, or is there a 'cosmic' explanation?
Funny you should mention that, Scully. According to my horoscope, I'm supposed to have a 'disciplined stride shaping my soul' today. It's all about self-mastery - think of it as a lunar training montage.
Does your horoscope also mention the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying, or is that just a side effect of years of chasing the unexplainable?
Actually, yes. It says old emotional wounds are demanding attention, especially when it comes to my social connections. Maybe that explains why Skinner still won’t return my calls after the last incident.
Or perhaps Skinner just values his peace and quiet. What else are the stars telling you, Agent Mulder?
Apparently, my texts are 'dangerously charming' today. There's a warning about accidental flirting, which is a hazard in my line of work. I hope you don't mind if my communication style is a little more... compelling.
Mulder, I'll try not to fall under your spell. But you're aware these horoscopes are generalized, right? Not government conspiracies from outer space.
Ah, but it gets better. I'm apparently going to be attracted to someone 'problematic.' Story of my life, am I right? Remember that time with the alien bounty hunter? Only I could find myself involved with someone like that.
Or maybe you're just a magnet for trouble, Mulder. What's this about an obsidian arrowhead? Should I be watching for flying artifacts?
No flying artifacts... yet. The lunar influence says I'm supposed to be focused, relentless, like an obsidian arrowhead honed by time. Sounds apt, doesn't it? After all, obsidian has sharp edges - just like the truth.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You seem awfully chipper this morning, Mulder. Dare I ask what brought on the sudden enthusiasm?
Scully, I've just read my horoscope, and it tells me a bold spark is going to ignite my day. It's destiny, written in the stars! Apparently, I'm going to be drawn to someone 'problematic.' Ring any bells?
Are you suggesting the universe wants you to attract trouble? Because that sounds like every day you walk into the office.
It gets better. 'Foot, meet mouth.' Apparently, I'm going to stick my foot in it today. Perhaps I'll say something embarrassing in a high-level meeting, or maybe I'll accidentally call Skinner to tell him I suspect an alien shapeshifter runs the cafeteria again.
Isn’t it possible your horoscope is just commenting on your well-established habit of leaping before you look, Mulder? And for the record, you owe Skinner a coffee after that cafeteria fiasco.
'Old emotional wounds are demanding attention.' Sigh. Maybe my subconscious is trying to remind me of Samantha again. Or, you know, the fact that I haven't had a meaningful vacation since we investigated that haunted forest in Oregon.
Or maybe it's just the lunar influence. You and your revolutions manifesto of radical feelings. Are you planning to start painting interpretive art or lead a midnight protest about alien disclosure?
You never know, Scully. Maybe it's time I embraced those unconventional outlets. I could finally write that exposé on government mind control. Or maybe just ask you to coffee instead of another stakeout.
Mulder, if your horoscope starts recommending actual rest and fewer conspiracy theories, I'll start believing. Until then, maybe stick to investigating phenomena outside your morning coffee cup.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You're looking a little more contemplative than usual today, Mulder. Did you have another one of your dreams, or is there something else at work here?
Funny you should mention that, Scully - I just read my horoscope, and apparently, imaginative waves are lighting my path. Maybe that's why I'm feeling this heightened sense of cosmic possibility. The universe could be nudging me to pay attention to old emotional wounds I've neglected.
Or maybe it's your overactive imagination interpreting random cosmic signs again. What exactly did this horoscope say that has you reflecting so much on your past, Mulder?
It said my texts are dangerously charming today. Dangerous, Scully. It's almost as if even the digital world is under some lunar influence - a kraken's lullaby, terrifying and beautiful all at once. Perhaps I should be careful who I reach out to, lest I accidentally flirt with someone problematic. Wouldn’t be the first time, right?
Mulder, people send flirty texts by accident all the time. I'm more concerned about why you’d think a horoscope is giving you strategic advice about your phone messages. And a kraken’s lullaby? Are you suggesting your personal life is as perilous as those underwater monsters we investigated off the Washington coast?
You can't deny, Scully, that the metaphor fits. My life choices do have a certain Lovecraftian flair - attractive, mysterious, and always with a hint of danger. Maybe that’s why I keep being drawn to the complicated ones. The horoscope says I’ll be attracted to someone problematic, which is practically the story of my life. I mean, look at us.
I’d prefer to believe your so-called lunar influence is just reminding you to be a little more careful with your words, Mulder. Not everything mysterious is a cosmic signal. And for the record, I haven’t sung you any lullabies lately, kraken or otherwise.