Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, have you ever felt like your entire emotional spectrum was just... dialed up to eleven? My horoscope says I might cry at a commercial or fight a stranger today. Apparently, quick decisions are going to ignite my path, whatever that means. I'm thinking maybe this is the universe telling me to embrace spontaneity.
Mulder, you’re letting a horoscope influence your day? You realize emotions aren’t some force of nature beyond our control. You’re not going to turn into Beyonce one minute and a sad potato the next because some astrologer says so.
But Scully, you have to admit - my social connections do get weird when my emotions are heightened. Remember that time we ended up at that psychic’s house in Maryland? I was practically vibrating with every feel imaginable. Maybe the stars really are aligning for something extraordinary today.
Or maybe you're just projecting, Mulder. Your emotions always run a little higher than most people’s. And those quick decisions? Last time, you ended up talking to a suspect's cat for half an hour. I’d hardly call that igniting your path.
You say that, but what if today I’m meant to follow that impulsive instinct? Take a risk, shed a tear, maybe even channel a little bit of that Queen Bey energy. Who knows - maybe the truth is out there, hiding in plain sight, just waiting for the right flood of emotion to reveal itself.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Scully, you ever feel like you're on the cusp of something enormous, not because you have proof, but because the universe is telling you to just go for it? My horoscope said that 'steadfast purpose drives my journey.' I think it's a sign. Maybe today's the day I finally crack open the truth about some of those closed files.
Mulder, you do realize that's just a generic sentiment, right? Today could also be the day you cry at a puppy food commercial, if your horoscope is to be believed.
Don't you think my emotions spiking could be meaningful, Scully? What if the heightened feelings are my subconscious detecting the presence of something extraordinary? Perhaps like when I knew Tooms hadn't left town, or when I sensed we weren't alone in those woods.
Or maybe you're just over-caffeinated. Emotional volatility doesn’t exactly scream 'career breakthrough' to me. Unless you plan on arguing with Skinner until he reveals all the government's secrets.
Career ambitions, though, Scully. If the universe is nudging me toward answers, maybe I should be open to, I don't know, fighting a stranger? My horoscope says emotions are running high; one minute I'm at the top of my game - and the next I'm the guy eating cold pizza in a basement office.
Careful, Mulder. That kind of logic could have you running after suspicious characters in trench coats. Again. And we know how well that usually turns out.
Hey, sometimes you need a little drama for the truth to come out. Today, I might just be Beyonce. Or, you know, a sad potato. But either way, I’m still searching for the facts. It’s just, today, maybe I’ll be crying while I do it.
As long as you’re not fighting with strangers in the hallway or sobbing over infomercials, I think I can handle it. Let’s stick to the evidence, Mulder.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Scully, you ever get the feeling that the universe is trying to slip you secrets in between the cracks? My horoscope says quick insights are going to brighten my day. Big ideas - cosmic, paradigm-shifting kind of stuff.
Mulder, I’d argue that’s your normal state of mind, not a lunar influence. Your ability to find grand conspiracies in a grocery list is already legendary. What's different today?
It’s the Aquarius Moon, Scully. It says I’m supposed to have stimulating conversations. Maybe we’ll finally crack the mystery behind the latest case, something that makes us question everything we believe.
So, your horoscope tells you to be intellectually detached and chase big ideas? That sounds like every day you drag me along to question the motives of government agencies or mysterious informants.
But today, emotions are high. I might cry at a commercial, or pick a fight with a stranger. Remember that time in Home, Pennsylvania? Maybe I’m just lunar sensitive.
I’m more inclined to believe it's lack of sleep, Mulder. The only lunar influence I’ve seen affect you is the one on your circadian rhythm.
Come on, Scully, wouldn’t you agree some of my best theories start with a little emotional overdrive? Maybe we’ll solve today’s case thanks to the stars.
Or maybe, Mulder, you’ll get swept up in a commercial and miss the real evidence. As much as I like stimulating conversation, I’ll stick to forensics over horoscopes.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like it's about to reveal the secrets of the universe?
Because, Scully, my horoscope just confirmed something I've suspected for years: my deep instincts are finally aligning with cosmic forces. It says my emotions are running high today - I could either break down in tears or start a brawl with a shapeshifter in the parking lot.
Mulder, you mean to tell me the moon's position is going to make you more volatile than usual? Should I be worried about collateral damage the next time we see a pharmaceutical commercial?
Look, Scully, don't laugh. The Aquarius Moon is bringing me logic, but Cancer’s influence is pulling me into the emotional deep end. It’s a battle for the ages, and I’m caught in the middle. Remember that case with the guy who could manipulate people’s emotions? I feel like that - like my entire insides are being put through a polygraph.
I’m just saying, Mulder, maybe it’s not celestial bodies controlling your mood swings but the three cups of coffee and two hours of sleep you got last night?
No, Scully, this is different. One minute I feel like I could dance on stage with Destiny’s Child, and the next - total existential potato. What if this is the transformation the oracle warned me about?
Right. The oracle. Look, I’ll keep an eye on you, but if you start crying at dog food commercials, I’m blaming the lunar influence about as much as I’d blame government mind control - so, not much.
Spoken like a true skeptic, Scully. But if you see me having a heated debate with a mannequin in aisle three, just know: it’s the stars, not me.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You look unusually contemplative, Mulder. Is there something weighing on your mind, or did you just see another mysterious light in the sky on your way in?
Actually, Scully, I was reading my horoscope this morning. Apparently, I'm filled with 'regal energy' today, so don't be surprised if my decision-making borders on the majestic. I may even take risks that seem... unconventional.
Regal, Mulder? Is that your excuse for ruling the coffee pot as your kingdom? Or are we expecting you to demand a crown any minute now?
You can laugh, but it also warned that emotions would be running high. Just a heads up - I might get teary at something as harmless as one of those battery commercials with the bunnies. Or, you know, I might start a heated debate with a stranger in the vending machine line, much like I did with Krycek that one time.
So basically, we have no idea who we're getting today. Either the King of Pop, or a mashed tuber with a sad playlist?
Think of it as a heightened state of awareness, Scully. Today, I'm feeling *all* the feels - like I could channel Beyonce’s confidence one minute and then, inexplicably, devolve into existential potato mode. It could make for remarkable investigative energy. Or, we end up questioning my mental stability again.
Mulder, I’m always questioning your mental stability. But if your outburst of emotions starts with fighting a stranger, can you at least make sure it’s not Skinner?
No promises. But if I suddenly break out singing or start waxing philosophical about extraterrestrial royalty, you’ll know who to blame: the stars have spoken.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You seem unusually chipper this morning, Mulder. Something happen on your way in, or did you just get abducted by inspiration?
Not exactly, Scully, but I did read something profound - the universe has aligned in favor of my intellect today. Apparently, my sharp mind is steering my destiny, and my thoughts are more expansive than usual. I’m practically bursting with big ideas.
Is that so? And did it say whether any of these ideas are remotely practical, or just more wild flights of fancy you’ll insist are connected to government conspiracies?
Some of them might actually be good this time. The stars do imply results could impact my relationships - so keep your partnerly skepticism holstered for now. We wouldn’t want to miss the signs because of your scientific rigidity.
My scientific rigidity is the only reason you’re sitting in this office and not interrogating the mailman about strange lights again. Besides, if your emotions are as high-strung as your horoscope predicts, I’d advise steering clear of daytime TV - and potential altercations in the parking lot.
Emotions are running high, Scully. I could shed a tear at a dog food commercial - or challenge Skinner to a duel over paperclip theft. The daily routine is shifting; today, routine is the anomaly.
Routine is what keeps us from being committed, Mulder. I’ll prepare the tissue box and maybe some boxing gloves - just in case. Now, unless your horoscope says the truth is waiting in the break room, let’s get to work.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
You look like you’re in a particularly introspective mood, Mulder. Did you find another conspiracy taped to a soda machine?
No, Scully, it’s much deeper than that. My horoscope says balanced love guides my rhythm today. I think it’s an omen. Maybe the universe is telling me to open myself up emotionally for once.
Mulder, your so-called balanced love usually ends up with us in a dark alley chasing after a man in a questionable costume. How exactly is that supposed to help with your emotional rhythm?
The horoscope said emotions are running high. It might make me cry at a commercial or get into a fight with a complete stranger. It’s like I’m supposed to feel everything today - Beyoncé-level confidence one minute, existential potato the next. Maybe my creative process is about to go supernova.
Calling yourself Beyoncé is a stretch even for you. And if you’re about to have a ‘sad potato’ moment in the middle of a crime scene, just warn me first, alright?
Scully, remember when you thought I was being irrationally emotional about that case in Bellefleur? Maybe it was cosmic foreshadowing. Emotions just work differently for me. My horoscope sees it, so why can’t anyone else?
Because, Mulder, it’s a horoscope. Written by someone who’s never watched you chase after unexplained lights in the sky or mourn the loss of your favorite sunflower seeds. Maybe let’s keep the high drama to a minimum today?
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, you seem particularly agitated today. Did you sleep at all last night or did you spend the entire time with those late-night infomercials again?
Actually, Scully, I read my horoscope. Apparently, a dark wave guides my actions right now - emotions are running high. I might cry over a sappy dog food commercial, or, who knows, get into a shouting match with a guy over the last sunflower seeds at the supermarket.
Are you attributing your mood swings to the stars now? Mulder, you don’t need astrology to excuse your behavior. What is it this time - a psychic force? Radio waves?
Look, I’m just saying, if the horoscope is to be believed, today I’m feeling all the feels. Yesterday, I was channeling Beyonce’s confidence interrogating Skinner, and now I kind of want to curl up and avoid everyone like - well, you remember that time when I thought alien abductions were the answer to everything?
So, let me get this straight: the stars are making you as unpredictable as an unsolved file? That’s your official explanation for your emotional whiplash?
It all checks out. The horoscope said it would especially affect my home life too, which explains why I’ve rearranged my couch three times this morning. I wonder if the CSM ever reads his horoscope, or if he just likes causing chaos for the thrill.
Maybe you should focus a little less on celestial interference and a little more on grounding exercises, Mulder. Or we’ll end up investigating ‘the case of the emotionally compromised FBI agent.’
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Are you alright, Mulder? You’ve been staring at that newspaper like you just uncovered another government conspiracy.
Scully, have you ever considered the cosmic influence of the Aquarius Moon? According to my horoscope, bold horizons are beckoning my soul today. Which might explain these waves of inspiration... and the urge to, I don’t know, break all the Bureau’s rules at once.
So you’re planning to blame the Moon when Skinner yells at us for the paperwork you left on his desk last week?
That wasn’t paperwork, Scully. It was evidence. But seriously, today’s supposed to be about feeling all the feelings - they said one minute I’m Beyonce, the next I’m a sad potato. I think I identify more with the potato at the moment, given last night's meeting with the Lone Gunmen.
And yet you still seem oddly upbeat. Is this whole emotional rollercoaster why you wore that tie? The one with the UFOs?
Exactly! Not only that, the horoscope practically gave me license for rebellious urges. I swear, Scully, if we happen to accidentally liberate some top-secret files today, blame celestial alignment, not me.
Or we could stick to the facts, Mulder. Your so-called 'lunar influence' doesn’t need to land us in hot water. I’d rather not explain to Skinner why the filing cabinet is smoldering.
No promises. Exploration is apparently my cosmic destiny today. And you know what happens when Aquarius takes the wheel.
I’d rather Aquarius stay in the passenger seat. Promise me you’ll at least try not to burn anything down?
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Mulder, you look like you just read a message from the Smoking Man. What's got you in a mood?
Scully, according to my horoscope, I'm supposed to experience a whirlwind of emotions today - anything from feeling like Beyoncé to a sad potato. This could seriously affect my judgment and resource allocation. We might want to double-check my expense reports.
Mulder, are you honestly basing your state of mind - and our investigation budget - on what your horoscope said? Emotions can be influenced by sleep deprivation and caffeine, not just the 'Aquarius Moon.'
But Scully, the Aquarius Moon apparently fosters innovative thinking in long-term plans. Remember that time I was inspired to crack that strange code at the Bureau archives? Maybe today I'll have another epiphany - though hopefully without tears during insurance commercials.
So what's next? Are you going to pick our next case by reading tea leaves, or just wait until you feel like Queen Bey or a root vegetable? I think solid evidence still trumps celestial forecasts.
Never underestimate cosmic serendipity, Scully. Sometimes it takes a wave of high emotion and a dash of pragmatic energy to see things others miss. Even if it means fighting a stranger - or crying at a puppy ad before our next stakeout.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You look unusually animated today, Mulder. Did you finally discover evidence of extraterrestrial activity in the basement files?
Not quite, Scully. But my horoscope says I'm supposed to be lifted by some powerful forward-thinking energy and that my rebellious urges are at an all-time high. Sounds like the perfect conditions for conspiracy busting, don't you think?
Mulder, you realize the Moon's position isn’t an excuse for setting the fire alarm off in the bullpen again. Are you planning to take this ‘rebellious urge’ out on Bureau protocol - again?
I’m not saying I’m going to burn anything down, Scully. Or... at least, my horoscope did warn me against it. But it also said my emotions could take over and anything could set me off. I almost teared up during that dog food commercial this morning. Maybe Krycek was just born under a bad moon when he betrayed us.
I suppose next you’ll blame mood swings for chasing suspects through rainstorms, too. Mulder, unpredictability and independence may sound exciting, but it’s not a strategy. Are you sure you’re not just projecting your restlessness onto the alignment of celestial bodies?
But Scully, the Moon is in my sign! My horoscope says I should crave originality - and that kind of independence sounds like exactly what we need if we’re going to get anywhere with that evidence from the warehouse. Conventional methods haven’t exactly worked for us.
Or you could just try sleeping more, Mulder. Maybe you’ll find you don’t need cosmic justification for unconventional ideas. Though - now that I think about it - I’d rather you be driven by the Moon than, say, inspired by cigarette butts left in your inbox again.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, why are you doodling on the office window? We've got reports to file.
Scully, it's clear to me I've been touched by what my horoscope calls a 'gentle muse.' Big ideas are brewing, and apparently today, my mind is more expansive than usual. Maybe I'm on the verge of cracking something major.
You mean more expansive than when you insisted the Chupacabra problem was extraterrestrial livestock management?
Not just extraterrestrial, but *innovative*, Scully. The Aquarius Moon is literally blending my intuition with unpredictable cosmic creative energy. I could have a flash of genius at any moment. Who knows what mysteries I'll unravel today?
Mulder, I think you might be confusing flashes of genius with your tendency to jump to conclusions.
It's all about personal expression, Scully! The horoscope said emotions could run high, which means I might cry if Skinner yells at us, or fight a stranger if they mess with my sunflower seeds. That's not jumping to conclusions, that's celestial influence.
Or maybe it's just a lack of sleep and too much caffeine. Did your horoscope warn about that?
No, but it mentioned spiritual insight. Maybe now I'll understand why the lights always flicker right before we get a new case. I feel like I'm opening up to an unseen dimension, Scully. Maybe that's how we'll finally find out what really happened to Samantha.
Great, so should I prepare the evidence bags, or just get a box of tissues for your next commercial break?