Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, you're probably going to think I'm crazy - again - but my horoscope said today's bursting with vivid energy and rebellious urges. I think this cosmic forecast is exactly what I needed.
Mulder, your jacket was on fire last week because you microwaved a hotdog with the foil on. Maybe you should actually try not to burn anything down this time.
But don’t you see the synchronicity? It says my need for adventure is clashing with my need for snacks. That’s essentially the story of every stakeout we’ve ever had. Remember that time in the Alaska bunker? Twinkies or chasing monsters. Today, I think they’re finally aligning.
So you're planning to rebel against the vending machine now, or is this just your way of telling me you're skipping lunch for a case?
No, Scully, listen. The universe says my social connections are at risk of spontaneous combustion. What if today’s the day I finally get Skinner to believe in crop circles - or at least accept a fruit basket from me?
As your socially concerned partner, I’d suggest starting smaller - maybe don’t mention the bee colonies or the talking tattoo. And definitely no fruit baskets.
But think about it. ‘Big ideas!’ - that’s what it said. Some might even be good. Scully, this could be the day we crack the code, unravel the truth, thaw every frozen asset. Or at least get a decent snack.
Or maybe it’s just the day you get distracted by your horoscope and forget to file your expense report again. Either way, I recommend we stick to coffee and moderation.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, why are you hiding behind the file cabinet with a bag of pretzels and a flashlight? Should I even ask?
Scully, listen. My horoscope says my calm strength is lighting my spirit today, but my quest for adventure is going head-to-head with my, uh, need for snacks. The universe is telling me to sort out my priorities.
So the CIA is not orchestrating your latest distraction. It's just your horoscope advising you not to skip lunch?
It’s deeper than that. It’s about my beliefs - my hunger for the truth competing with actual hunger. And apparently, I have to be careful not to get too rebellious. You remember what happened with that pyromaniac cultist in Philadelphia. Clearly the stars know what almost happened.
You’re telling me you’re about to launch into some grand investigation, but you're holding yourself back for the sake of your career... and to avoid a fire?
Exactly. My mind feels expansive today, Scully. I'm brimming with big ideas. Frankly, some of them might even be good. Like - what if we ordered Thai instead of pizza during stakeouts?
Or maybe you could apply your so-called expansive mind to finishing those expense reports before Skinner lights a fire under you.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You seem unusually restless today, Mulder. Is there something I should know about, or are you just contemplating another cross-country trip to chase a lead?
Scully, it’s bigger than that. According to what I just read, my soul’s on fire with some - let’s call them - swift, rebellious ideas. It’s not my fault if I feel compelled to challenge the status quo. Today could be the day we crack some worldwide conspiracy wide open.
Mulder, are you telling me you’re planning to burn down proverbial bridges again? Because the last time you followed a 'rebellious urge,' we ended up quarantined in a cornfield.
Provocative thinking leads to transformation, Scully! The stars practically insist that my expansive mind might just stumble onto some truly groundbreaking theory. Plus, there’s a direct conflict between my need for adventure and my need for snacks. It’s about priorities - and personal evolution.
Personal evolution, or just an excuse to skip lunch while you drag us to another illegal autopsy? And Capricorn Moon or not, overthinking conversations has never stopped you from opening classified files on inappropriate desktops.
Serious influences require serious measures, Scully. If I overthink today, it’s only because the Universe warns me to. Trust me, when the planets align, even Skinner can’t stop the truth from coming out. Or snacks from running out, for that matter.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You're staring at your phone again, Mulder. Don’t tell me you’re reading those horoscopes.
I’m just saying, Scully, today my protective instincts are supposed to lead the way. Maybe it’s a sign I should keep my eye on you, just in case the government tries any more funny business.
Mulder, were your instincts telling you to eat three bags of sunflower seeds before breakfast? Or is that just the part about your need for snacks conflicting with your so-called thirst for adventure?
We both know priorities are critical - especially when you’re juggling clandestine meetings with informants and the unwavering quest for vending machine cuisine. The horoscope even says it affects my relationships. Deep stuff, Scully.
It also mentioned ‘rebellious urges.’ Should I be worried you’ll torch another file room? We still haven’t paid off our last incident report.
Hey, that was an accident - and technically I was onto something. The horoscope specifically warned me not to burn anything down this time, so I’ll probably limit my rebellion to, say, bypassing a locked door or two.
Just what we need: a structured yet sensitive criminal. The Capricorn Moon must be working overtime on you. Maybe you can use that ‘practicality’ to actually fill out your expense reports for once.
Scully, I’m feeling expansive. Big ideas! Maybe I'll finally crack that pattern in the files from the Flukeman case. Or, you know, discover the best late-night snack.
If any of those big ideas require fire extinguishers or federal charges, let me know in advance.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, why are you looking at me like you've just discovered the secret of the universe in your coffee grounds?
Scully, it's my horoscope. It says my bright courage is steering my course today. Do you realize what that means? I'm about to have a pivotal day of rebellion and bravery.
Mulder, your day is always full of rebellion. I notice you skipped over the part about not burning anything down. Planning to get into trouble with Skinner again?
It literally warned me, Scully, 'don't burn anything down' - which, between you and me, is an ominous way to start a morning. Remember that time in the forest with the spontaneous combustion? Maybe this is cosmic foreshadowing.
Or maybe it's just your subconscious reminding you not to leave your bag of sunflower seeds near open flames. Besides, this so-called courage apparently wreaks havoc on your relationships. Should I be concerned?
You? Never. But it does say my need for adventure might conflict with my need for snacks. You have to admit, that's a real dilemma. Imagine if it’s the day I finally find incontrovertible proof of alien life and the vending machine eats my dollar.
Mulder, if the only thing standing between you and the truth is a granola bar, I think we have bigger problems. And since when do you let your priorities be dictated by astrology?
Normally, I’d say never, Scully. But today it also predicts my mind will be expansive, filled with big ideas - some of which might even be good. That sounds like a ringing endorsement from the universe to chase down every wild theory I have, doesn’t it?
If by 'wild theories' you mean another trip to an abandoned airfield at midnight while subsisting on pretzels, then I’ll pass. Maybe your big idea should be listening to reason for once.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, why are you standing by the coffee machine with that look on your face? It’s 7 a.m. Don’t tell me you found another government conspiracy.
Not today, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently, my keen eye will be guiding my actions. So if you notice me being especially observant - more than usual - don’t be surprised.
Mulder, you’re already the most suspicious man in this building. Are you saying you’re going to launch a new investigation based on astrology?
It’s not just astrology, Scully. The stars are telling me my rebellious urges are peaking. I was thinking about rearranging the entire evidence storage room. Maybe even smuggling in some sunflower seeds. You know, just to keep things interesting.
Just try not to burn the place down while you’re at it, Mulder. I’d rather not be forced to explain your creative process to Skinner again.
Burning down official government property isn’t on my to-do list... today. But I am supposed to be having an adventure and, paradoxically, my need for snacks is just as strong. Do you think losing myself in classified files counts as both a creative pursuit and a quest for sustenance?
Mulder, if your mind gets any more expansive, we’ll need a bigger office. Just remember, not every ‘big idea’ is worth chasing - some of them lead to flukemen in sewage pipes.
That’s the spirit, Scully. But sometimes a good idea is just one step away from a bad rash. Trust the stars - or at least trust me if I start acting extra inspired today. Priorities, right?
Just promise me you’ll prioritize sensible choices over chasing shadows… and maybe eat something besides sunflower seeds.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, why are you staring so intently at your phone? I hope you're not reading another conspiracy blog.
Not this time, Scully. I just read my horoscope and, honestly, it's like it was written for me. It says a sense of peace will flow through me today, but I'm torn between going on an adventure and, well, staying home for snacks. You can't tell me that's not relatable after that last stakeout.
Mulder, horoscopes are written vaguely on purpose. Everyone needs snacks, and I don't think star alignments dictate trips to the vending machine or how restless you get in the office.
But Scully, it specifically warns me about rebellious urges being strong and cautions me not to burn anything down. That's practically a cosmic reference to the time the evidence room got set aflame after those unusual power surges. Maybe I need to focus more on my creative pursuits instead of chasing every unexplained electrical anomaly.
Or, maybe it's suggesting you should stop making coffee in that ancient percolator that nearly set off the fire alarm. Mulder, these so-called big ideas sound suspiciously like the ones that get us yelled at by Skinner.
Now, Scully, it also says my mind is expansive today. Big ideas! Some could even be good. Imagine what we could uncover if I actually followed the stars for a day. Truth could be out there... next to a conveniently placed bag of sunflower seeds.
Mulder, until your horoscope can help us get through a week without ending up in federal custody or hungry in a surveillance van, I think I'll stick to scientific methods. But you do seem more relaxed today, I'll give you that.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Scully, I think the universe is trying to tell me something. My horoscope said there's a deep power stirring in my day.
Is that why you've been pacing the office and eyeing the vending machine like it's a portal to another dimension?
It's not the snacks, Scully. It's a conflict of priorities - adventure or sustenance. It's cosmic irony. My need for exploration is at war with my need for a decent bag of sunflower seeds.
So the fate of the world now rests on whether you choose a granola bar or chase down your latest wild lead. I see.
Don't mock the snacks, Scully. The horoscope also warned me about my communication style today. Something about rebellious urges. I might just toss out the rulebook - and not just for the paperwork.
Rebellious communication? Isn't that just another Monday for you? Just try not to get us both written up this time.
I can’t help it. There’s an expansive quality to my thinking. They say some of my ideas might actually be good today. Who knows, maybe I can finally convince Skinner to follow that lead I had about the chimney sweeps in Baltimore.
Let’s just make sure your 'big ideas' don’t involve burning anything down. Or having us evicted from your apartment again.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Scully, do you ever feel like the universe is calling you to explore bold new horizons, but you’re not sure whether to pack road flares... or a bag of sunflower seeds? I swear, my horoscope actually predicted that today.
Mulder, are you seriously about to let your lunch habits dictate our investigation strategy?
It’s not just that, Scully. There’s a clear conflict between my deep need for adventure and my, let’s say, equally deep need for easily accessible snacks. It says it’ll impact my values. I mean, what if I’m out in the woods again with nothing but tofu jerky and questionable tap water?
So your inner struggle is whether you risk hypoglycemia or cold hard boredom? That doesn’t exactly qualify as a cosmic dilemma.
Rebellious urges are strong, apparently. The horoscope does explicitly recommend not burning anything down. Which is a little ominous, considering that time we encountered the pyrokinesis case.
Let’s hope you can contain yourself, Mulder, and resist the urge to set government property on fire just to make a point.
My mind is exceptionally expansive today, Scully. I have big ideas - some of which might even be good, according to the stars.
For your sake, let’s hope one of those ideas involves actually checking the facts before you charge off to New Mexico chasing lights in the sky.
That’s where the Capricorn Moon comes in. It’s supposed to temper my spontaneity - and encourage long-term thinking before I take any risks. Maybe it’s a sign I should triple-check our gear and rations before we confront the unknown.
Or maybe it means you need more than a horoscope to guide your decision-making, especially where my survival is concerned.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Mulder, you look like you’re about to launch into another theory. What is it this time?
Scully, I just read my horoscope. It says today’s about a steady push - basically, the universe knows that my driving ambition is in overdrive. Like the last time we chased that guy who set everything on fire with his mind? The stars are saying I have to watch my rebellious side, or I might accidentally burn something down. Maybe literally.
Mulder, you do realize horoscopes aren’t exactly established science. Or investigative procedure, for that matter. Are you telling me the cosmos wants you to start fires now?
Not start them, Scully. Just... keep my passions in check. The Moon’s in my sign, apparently, and it says I’m emotionally reserved and disciplined. Very out-of-character, but who am I to argue with planetary alignment?
Since when are you emotionally reserved? The only thing you restrain is your appetite when a case gets interesting. Speaking of which, did it also mention your compulsive need for sunflower seeds?
Funny you mention that. It specifically talks about my need for adventure conflicting with my need for snacks. It’s like the stars were watching us the night we staked out that abandoned gas station. Adventure or snacks - that’s the eternal battle.
I’m sure NASA is very interested in your snack schedule, Mulder. Did your horoscope say anything about concrete results, or is it just urging you to focus on ‘big ideas’? That’s your specialty.
It did, actually. Big ideas, expansive thinking - it even teased that some of them could be good. Do you remember when I theorized about interdimensional portals in Rhode Island? Maybe today’s the day you admit I was on to something.
I’ll believe it when a lunar influence stops you from jumping to conclusions, Mulder. Until then, how about we leave the arson to professionals and stick to gathering evidence?
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Scully, do you ever have one of those days where your mind feels like it's on fire with possibilities? According to my horoscope, today is basically my personal Woodstock of radical ideas.
Mulder, I would hope you're not advocating for any literal fires. We both know that never ends well, even if you're reading it off a horoscope app.
No promises, but it did warn me not to burn anything down. I think that's metaphorical, unless you count the time Tooms tried crawling up the furnace duct. It does say my urges to rebel are supposed to be especially strong today, though.
So you’re telling me a lunar influence has you wanting to upend the system, but you’re going to plan it out carefully because...Capricorn Moon? Mulder, sometimes your explanations are more baffling than your theories.
But it makes sense! A mix of tradition and innovation: I respect the chain of command, but maybe just enough to break it stylishly. Plus, there's apparently a cosmic conflict between my wanderlust and my snack cravings. Snackrifices must be made, Scully.
Radical, rebellious, snack-deprived. So, what you're saying is, the universe wants you to do something big today - as long as you plan your revolution between lunch breaks?
Exactly. And who am I to ignore cosmic advice? They say my mind is expansive today, so if you see me writing on the office walls again, remember: these big ideas could be gold. Or at least, not completely terrible.
Just promise me you’ll keep the conspiracy charts off the microwave this time. Some traditions are worth keeping, Mulder.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, why do you keep staring at your phone like you've been contacted by extraterrestrials?
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and it's got me thinking - apparently, 'mystic energy' is flowing through me today. A sign, maybe? You can't ignore celestial guidance.
Mystic energy, Mulder? Or too much coffee? Let me guess - is this the same horoscope that told you to invest in sunflower seeds last month?
No, this is bigger. It says my need for adventure conflicts with my need for snacks. That's practically every stakeout we've ever been on. How am I supposed to balance searching for the truth and remembering to eat?
Maybe you could remember that two things can exist at once, Mulder. You can chase after men with glowing eyes and still pick up a sandwich. I fail to see the cosmic dilemma.
But the horoscope warns me about my social connections too. Rebelling is apparently in my astrological DNA today. You remember how that secret society at the university didn't exactly appreciate my, uh, proactive inquiry? Maybe I should tone it down.
Are you planning on setting anything on fire this time, or is metaphorical combustion enough? Your horoscope seems oddly specific.
It also says my mind will expand with 'big ideas.' Maybe this is the day the Bureau finally listens to me about that psychic dog incident.
Mulder, the only thing grounded here is your sense of reality. The closest you've come to being lunar-influenced was eating expired astronaut ice cream. Why don't you just work steadily, like the Capricorn Moon suggests, and leave the pyrotechnics to the professionals?
Alright, Scully. No matches, steady work, and maybe just one bag of sunflower seeds. But you have to admit - when the universe leaves you a note, it would be irresponsible not to read it.