Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, I just read my horoscope and apparently my actions today are being driven by fiery passion. I guess that means I'll be a little more, uh, intense than usual.
Mulder, I don’t think you need a horoscope to tell you that. Was there something specific you were planning to set on fire? Metaphorically, I hope.
Well, it also says my rebellious urges are off the charts and I should avoid burning something down - again, metaphorically. Seems like perfect timing, considering the way the higher-ups handled our last case. Maybe I should really shake things up, like when I challenged Skinner's orders about that so-called containment protocol.
Please tell me this horoscope doesn’t encourage you to ignore boundaries. That's how people end up writing strongly worded memos about us. Or worse.
Boundaries? Never heard of her, Scully. Apparently, that's intertwined with my career ambitions today. Maybe it's time to knock on a few more locked doors - literally and figuratively.
Mulder, you barely have any boundaries to cross. And if you're feeling emotionally constipated, might I suggest talking to someone who isn't prone to chasing after cigarette-smoking men or government conspiracies?
But Scully, the stars are practically demanding that I let it out! It’s like they know today’s the day I blow the lid off another cover-up. Or at least offend someone very important in the process.
Just try not to burn down any social bridges along the way. Or actual bridges. Remember - passion is good, but maybe keep the fire extinguisher close this time.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, are you going to spend the day meditating at your desk, or do you actually have a lead for me?
Funny you should ask, Scully. According to my horoscope, today is all about serenity. I’m told to take things at a slower pace, maybe not chase after every little green man. It’s a cosmic directive.
Was that before or after it accused you of being emotionally constipated? Because you seem as pent up as always.
Hey, I’m just following the stars, Scully. They said I should let it out. You know, express myself. Maybe that’s what happened the last time I found myself questioning everything I believed - right before I saw the Smoking Man’s files.
That didn’t end well, Mulder. And boundaries? Your horoscope says you don’t have any. I could have told you that without astrology.
Boundaries are an illusion, just like most official channels. The stars say this is about beliefs and learning. Maybe I’ll finally crack open that case about the glowing insects in the woods.
I think your rebellious streak is already infamous, Mulder. The only thing you haven’t done yet is accidentally set the bureau on fire - though with your luck, that prediction is due.
I’ll try not to burn anything down. Maybe that’s a metaphorical warning. But if rebelling against the expected path leads us closer to the truth, I say the stars have my back. Want to join the astral revolution, Scully?
I’ll settle for keeping you from lighting up the evidence room. But I suppose following the facts - and the planets - has gotten us this far.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you're frowning at your phone like it's about to confess to a crime. What's up?
Scully, you're not going to believe this - my horoscope just told me that today is ruled by 'versatile vibes' and that rebellious urges are strong. Which honestly explains why I'm suddenly considering challenging Skinner's entire filing system.
You’re blaming your unhealthy disregard for protocol on your star sign now?
The stars don't lie, Scully. It even said, and I quote, 'try not to burn anything down.' I think that's a direct warning after what happened at those storage facilities last year. You know, the ones that conveniently lost all the evidence?
Mulder, needing to be reminded not to set things on fire probably means you should reconsider your life choices, not your planetary alignment. And how exactly does this relate to your 'inner transformation'?
Apparently, I'm 'emotionally constipated' today. The horoscope said I need to let it out if I want any progress, especially with all these latent inner changes. Scully, do you think the serious Capricorn Moon means I'll overthink what happened in that hallway with Krycek?
Mulder, you overthink what color tie to wear on casual Fridays. Don't blame lunar phases for your tendency to spiral. And boundaries? You? Never heard of them? I think that's the most factual thing I've heard all morning.
Maybe that's why the truth always feels just out of reach, Scully. The universe is telling me to push past boundaries and embrace inner change - even if it means emotional discomfort and a mild fear of arson.
Just promise me, Mulder, that by embracing your rebellious side today, it doesn't end with another call from Skinner or a visit from the fire department.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, you’ve been staring at that newspaper for ten minutes. Something interesting in there, or are you just trying to decode the sports section again?
Not the sports section this time, Scully. My horoscope is basically telling me that caring tides are steering my soul today. Apparently, I've got some emotional... constipation. Maybe that's why I felt so restless after talking to Skinner.
Emotional constipation, Mulder? That’s not exactly a scientific diagnosis. Are you really taking advice from a horoscope now?
The stars don’t lie, Scully. It says I’m supposed to let it all out, especially in my relationships. Maybe that's why I keep getting the urge to share my deepest secrets with you. Or maybe it’s just that file we can never speak of.
Boundaries, Mulder. I’ve heard of them. Maybe you should try it sometime.
That's the thing - the horoscope said boundaries don’t exist for me today. Rebellious urges are strong, Scully. Try not to leave me alone with any incendiary devices or paper files. I might just burn everything down in the name of inner transformation.
So it’s a full moon, and you’re blaming your inability to keep secrets - or avoid arson - on cosmic tides and rebellious urges. Should I start locking the cabinets?
Actually, it’s a Capricorn moon - structured yet sensitive. Maybe that's why I can balance opening up emotionally with the practical need not to blow our cover. For now.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Scully, do you ever get the feeling that the universe is practically daring you to rebel today? My horoscope says my rebellious urges are off the charts and honestly, I resonate with that. It's like when I ignored Skinner's direct order and went to investigate those mysterious fires upstate. Maybe the stars know me better than I thought.
Mulder, you don’t need a horoscope to justify breaking protocol. What are you planning to burn down this time? And for the record, ignoring boundaries isn’t the same as listening to cosmic advice.
Well, it does say to watch out for burning things down - relationships included. It’s like a warning from beyond, Scully. Maybe I should apologize to you in advance for any emotional wildfires I’m about to start. Apparently, I’m emotionally constipated today, which honestly explains a lot about last night's late-night files binge.
Mulder, being emotionally constipated isn’t an excuse for being reckless, or for leaving all the lights on in the office. Maybe instead of blaming planetary alignment, you could try actually talking about your feelings - preferably not while trespassing at some haunted campsite.
Boundaries, Scully! My horoscope says they've never even heard of her. Maybe that’s a cosmic sign to push a little further next time we’re on a case. Remember that time those invisible boundaries kept us from finding the truth about that pharmaceutical company? Maybe we should forget them altogether.
Or maybe, Mulder, you could focus on respecting some boundaries today. Especially mine. And the FBI’s. And fire codes, for that matter. The only thing you should be lighting is your desk lamp while you fill out your paperwork.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like you just discovered another secret government database?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and, dare I say, it’s eerily accurate. It says my methodical strength will guide my rhythm today. I think that explains my penchant for stacking pencils into pyramids, don’t you?
I would have thought methodical strength would present itself as you actually finishing your case notes for once, but I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.
It also says I’m ‘emotionally constipated’ and should let it out. Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling restless. Maybe I should finally tell Skinner what I really think about his taste in neckties.
Mulder, isn’t that just your standard mood whenever you’re forced to fill out paperwork? And ‘letting it out’ doesn’t mean knocking over any filing cabinets.
I’m also warned to contain my rebellious urges and avoid burning anything down. You think that’s an omen? Remember what happened in that research lab in Maryland? That was not my fault, by the way.
Given that your definition of ‘creative pursuits’ usually involves questionable experiments in the basement, I’d prefer you didn’t burn anything - literally or metaphorically.
Boundaries? Never heard of her. Apparently, today is the day for tearing down the metaphorical walls, maybe even against the Bureau’s better judgment.
As long as those ‘walls’ aren’t structural or part of an ongoing investigation, Mulder, I think we’ll both sleep a little easier tonight.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, you look like you've just decoded the Rosetta Stone. What's going on?
Scully, you're not going to believe this, but my horoscope says I'm supposed to experience a harmonious flow today - except apparently I'm emotionally constipated. It says I need to let it out, especially at home.
Emotionally constipated. That's the scientific term for it? Are you sure this isn't just a reaction to your diet lately?
Maybe, but it also warns me to resist my rebellious urges or I might accidentally burn down something - like my creative pursuits. I'm actually starting to think this horoscope is onto something. Remember the time we found that house nearly burned to the ground by forces unknown? What if that was just a Taurus with boundary issues?
Mulder, horoscopes are not blueprints for your behavior. And as far as boundaries go, you didn't seem to have heard of them when you picked the lock on that government building last week. Have you ever considered that some rules exist for a reason?
Boundaries? Never heard of her. See? My horoscope literally said that, Scully. Maybe I’ve been cosmically justified all along. Maybe the truth isn’t just out there - it’s written in the stars.
Or maybe it’s just a convoluted way to rationalize ignoring instructions and emotional self-regulation. But if you start any fires, Mulder, don’t expect me to write it up as 'an act of the zodiac.'
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
You seem unusually restless today, Mulder. Did you skip your morning coffee or did you read something in the paper again?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope, and apparently there’s some kind of magnetic energy pulling me forward. The signs are literally aligning for me to embrace my, let’s say, rebellious tendencies.
I’m fairly certain that magnetic energy you’re feeling is just static from your tie. And rebellious tendencies? Mulder, every day with you is an exercise in rule-breaking.
This time is different, Scully. The universe is saying not to burn anything down, especially at home. It’s practically a public service announcement for me after that little incident with the toaster and the fuse box.
Let me guess, you’re also feeling ‘emotionally constipated’ and your horoscope is demanding you let it out? I’ll alert Skinner that you might be ‘expressing yourself’ in a new and unpredictable fashion.
Scully, maybe if I had actually communicated more back when we tracked down those alien abductees in that farmhouse, we’d have saved ourselves a lot of paperwork. Apparently my boundaries are nonexistent today. Should I start sharing my theories in interpretive dance?
Just as long as you don’t start giving psychic readings to the office plants again, Mulder. Boundaries or not, try to avoid pulling the fire alarm this time, magnetic energy or otherwise.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You seem deeper in thought than usual, Mulder. Should I be worried?
Scully, have you ever considered that our quest for the truth isn’t just part of our job, but written in the stars? I just read my horoscope, and it confirmed that this path we’re on is cosmic destiny.
Mulder, are you telling me you’re making decisions based on astrology now? What else does your horoscope say? Should I brace for trouble?
Apparently, rebellious urges are going to be especially strong for me today. I’m supposed to avoid burning anything down, which, frankly, sounds like good advice after that file room incident with the Smoking Man.
If you’re referencing that evidence mishap, Mulder, I’d prefer the planets not be blamed for avoidable chaos in the basement. What about your famous communication style - is it affected too?
Absolutely. The stars say my communication style is a ticking time bomb today, so if I sound emotionally constipated, just know it’s not me, it’s lunar interference. The Capricorn Moon is apparently trying to curb my spontaneity. But Scully, what if the lunar influence is real? What if that explains certain, well, outbursts during, say, that time we ran into that psychic photographer?
Mulder, emotional constipation sounds more like the result of too many late nights with questionable takeout. And as for boundaries, I notice you never really let them stop you from digging into my autopsy reports - or my desk drawer.
Boundaries allegedly don’t exist today, Scully. The universe has spoken. It did warn me to think long-term before taking any big risks, though, so maybe I’ll limit myself to theorizing about government conspiracies instead of breaking into a military facility this week.
Maybe you should take your horoscope’s advice to heart for a change, Mulder. Just promise me any cosmic revelations won’t end with us explaining ourselves to Skinner - again.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You know, Scully, I was just reading my horoscope and it says my steady resolve is going to lift my spirit today. I think that's exactly the attitude I need after spending all night trying to convince Skinner about the shape-shifter case in Baltimore.
Mulder, since when do you believe a horoscope over years of psychological training? Emotional constipation isn't exactly a medical term, you know.
Maybe not, but I do have a tendency to bottle things up. It says I need to let it out, Scully. Maybe I've been holding back my personal expression - like those times I tried to explain crop circles to you and you just gave me that look.
So your horoscope is telling you to rebel now? Should I be worried you’ll set the basement on fire looking for spontaneous combustion victims again?
Not literally burn anything down - well, maybe just the metaphorical walls standing between me and the truth. Boundaries are meant to be tested, Scully. It says right here: boundaries never heard of her. Sounds like an open invitation.
If your idea of focusing on your goals is chasing after men in black or ignoring department protocols, then I suppose the Moon really is in your sign, Mulder.
Lunar influence or not, maybe I should finally tell Skinner what I really think about those expense reports. After all, it’s all about personal expression today, isn’t it?
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, you look like you've just seen another alien. What's got you all worked up this time?
Scully, you'll appreciate this - I just read my horoscope, and apparently originality is surging through me today. Rebellious urges are at an all-time high. My chart actually said, and I quote, don't burn anything down. It's basically encouraging me to break the mold.
So let me get this straight: your astrology reading is now giving you license to stir up even more trouble than usual? Last time you got an idea like this, Skinner was ready to retire early.
It's not trouble, Scully, it's personal expression! The stars say I should let out what I've been bottling up. Emotionally constipated, they called it. Time to let the weirdness flow. Maybe it’s finally time to share those thoughts I’ve got about the bees. Or the sentient tattoo.
Mulder, if there’s anything you’re not, it’s emotionally constipated. And is your spiritual side really so fragile that a few star patterns can unleash chaos? Maybe these boundaries you’re supposed to ignore are there for good reasons.
Boundaries, Scully, are constructs - today the universe says I should pretend they don’t exist. The Capricorn Moon is apparently guiding me to plan unconventional ideas. Think about it: a blend of tradition and innovation. Like hunting down shadowy syndicates while wearing a tin foil hat.
Just so you know, Mulder, if you do end up burning something down, I’m putting that in my report. And the only surge I see is the caffeine from your third cup of coffee.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You look like you just read something fascinating, Mulder. Care to share with the class?
Scully, my horoscope just told me that a magical whisper is enchanting me today. Apparently, boundaries are just a social construct holding me back. Isn’t that validating?
I’m not sure I’d take advice from astrological whispers, Mulder. Or are you about to tell me that alien communication is now being forecasted in the daily paper?
Think about it, Scully. Recent cases have required challenging conventional boundaries - maybe that’s the universe’s way of saying I’m on the right track. Besides, it says my rebellious urges are strong today. Maybe that’s why I felt compelled to access those classified files this morning.
Or maybe your lack of respect for authority pre-dates your horoscope, Mulder. It also says not to burn anything down - should I be worried about you experimenting with pyrokinesis again?
It’s not just about literal fire, Scully. It’s a metaphor for burning down social conventions - and maybe, mirroring how we operate outside the Bureau’s norms. The moon’s in Capricorn, supposedly grounding my dreams. Perhaps it means I should focus on the kind of spiritual investigation we had with that healer in Connecticut.
Or it could mean you need to work on your emotional constipation, since your horoscope also mentions you should ‘let it out.’ Is there something you’re not telling me, Mulder? Besides your ongoing obsession with the supernatural.
Spiritual goals, Scully. We both know there’s more out there, and maybe today’s the day I open up and let it all out. Next thing you know, I’ll be leading a group therapy circle in the basement office.