Aries
March 21 - April 19
You seem oddly upbeat this morning, Mulder. Did you finally get a full night’s sleep or has the universe delivered a new conspiracy to your inbox?
Actually, Scully, I read my horoscope. It says my fierce independence is leading the charge today. Apparently, I'm supposed to be my most authentic, persuasive self - a perfect blend of will and emotion, just like Libra balancing Aries.
So, your horoscope told you to be yourself? That’s not exactly a new development, Mulder. How is Mercury conspiring with Venus in your favor, exactly?
The stars are practically shouting at me to take bold action and charm everyone, Scully. If I use today’s cosmic alignment, it could help crack open even the most intractable informant. Think about it - balance and passion, harmony and impulse, like that time we faced down CSM in the courthouse.
Or it could just mean that your usual antics will go slightly less ignored at the Bureau meeting. I’d caution you not to read too much into celestial choreography - sometimes boldness just gets you a reprimand from Skinner.
But Scully, justice and passion dancing? Isn't that everything we've been fighting for? If anything, today the universe is telling me not to dial it down, but to step it up. Besides, haven't we seen stranger things than planetary alignment affecting outcomes?
We have, Mulder. But I’ll stick to empiricism. If reaching for the stars leads to evidence and not just dramatic monologues, then by all means - let your horoscope guide you. I’ll be over here, ready with the scientific method.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You look unusually calm today, Mulder. Should I be concerned, or did you just finally get a good night's sleep?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope. It says 'enduring calm defines your rhythm' - so I think it's the universe telling me to channel my inner Zen, maybe even make peace with some local law enforcement for a change.
And let me guess, Mercury aligning with Venus is why you’re wearing that tie? Are you planning to charm your way out of our next field report?
Charm and persuasion, Scully. It's supposed to be a great day for negotiations and creative writing. Maybe I should submit our latest case findings as a manuscript to that paranormal journal - assuming they don't already have a file labeled 'Mulder’s Madness.'
Before you start your social butterfly routine, you should know your horoscope also mentions 'unpredictable relationship changes.' Given your history, should I prepare for a random government agent to show up and declare undying trust in you?
Or sudden attractions, Scully. The stars say caution is required. If Krycek walks into that conference today, remind me not to make eye contact.
Mulder, if the alignment of Mercury and Venus makes you want to talk about love turning into sculpture, maybe you should schedule a session with that art therapist from last month - before you decide to sculpt anything out of evidence again.
Can you blame me for appreciating a little beauty, Scully? The horoscope said Libra's influence will soften the edges - maybe even soften the path to our next promotion. Or maybe we'll just find another statue that comes to life.
Just don’t let that calming rhythm of yours interfere with the investigation, Mulder. Whatever the stars say, I trust science and evidence. Besides, we both know the universe loves throwing curveballs - especially at you.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you look unusually... buoyant this morning. Is it the coffee, or is there something I should be worried about?
Funny you should ask, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and it says a keen curiosity is going to lift my journey today. Mercury and Venus are aligned - I’m practically irresistible in conversation and poised for career-altering encounters. Maybe I’ll finally get Skinner to approve my latest case proposal.
Persuasive conversation, Mulder? That’ll be the day. Wasn’t it just last week you tried to charm information out of a witness and ended up with a restraining order?
That was a misunderstanding - and for the record, the witness's cat was a critical piece of the investigation. But today, it’s different. Venus is on my side. My creative writing is sharper, my social skills heightened. The stars practically guarantee that if I negotiate, I’ll win people over. You might want to be careful around me, Scully.
I find it hard to believe planetary alignment is going to help you fill out those ‘Expense Reason’ forms any better than last time. And Mulder, your so-called charm nearly got us detained after midnight in that government facility.
But that was before this lunar influence! Libra is listening, Gemini is speaking - my words are bridges, not barriers. It’s a cosmic window, Scully. If we get any disruptive communications today, I'll adapt. Unexpected news, a cryptic phone call from an old informant, maybe even a message from someone we thought had… disappeared. I’m ready.
So let me get this straight. Because your horoscope said you’d be charming and adaptable, you think you’re destined to handle whatever comes our way - career ambitions and all?
Not destined, Scully. Prepared. Like when we followed that chain of coded messages across state lines and it ended with a government cover-up. The stars just want me to know I’m on the right track.
Or maybe, Mulder, it’s just another Tuesday. And if that’s the case, I’ll bring the rational analysis - you bring the planetary optimism.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, is that a printout of your horoscope? I thought you were more into government cover-ups than cosmic influences.
Scully, you’re missing the bigger picture. According to this, my emotions are in perfect harmony with my will today. It says I should focus on authentic self-expression, which, frankly, might be the nudge I need to finally submit that report without editing out my ‘unorthodox theories.’
Or maybe it’s the nudge you need to start channeling your ‘soft emotions’ into more constructive outlets, like not rearranging paperwork in the middle of the night. Since when do you trust horoscopes, Mulder?
Since the lunar influence apparently combines Libra’s elegance with Cancer’s compassion. That’s a celestial cocktail for trust and connection, Scully. Maybe today’s the day I can actually get you to admit you enjoy chasing monsters with me.
Are you suggesting I’m under the influence of pastels and lunar alignment? Or are you just expecting me not to overreact the next time you break into someone’s house because you felt ‘authentic’ about it?
Just maintain perspective, Scully. I’d hate for you to become overemotional, like that time with the psychic surgeon in the alley. Remember, elegance and trust. Today isn’t about skepticism - it’s about inner transformation.
Well, Mulder, if your inner transformation involves fewer unsanctioned road trips to haunted lakes, I’m willing to see how the cosmos guide you today. But I reserve the right to remind you about maintaining perspective - especially if you start quoting horoscopes as evidence in your reports.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, you seem awfully upbeat today. Did something happen on your lunch break, or did you just get abducted by optimism?
You know me, Scully. I like to keep an open mind. I just read my horoscope, and apparently, I'm supposed to shine boldly today. Something about Mercury and Venus teaming up to boost my charm and persuasive skills. Maybe that's why the evidence in that warehouse made so much sense to me earlier.
You mean to tell me you're going to attribute your sudden burst of confidence and poise to planetary motion? Not the caffeine, not the hour of sleep you got, but the alignment of Mercury and Venus?
Scully, Libra is smoothing out Leo's infamous fire - think art and passion relieved of their chaos. It's not just cosmic gibberish. Maybe today is the day I finally convince Skinner to approve that trip to New Mexico for the investigation. Harmony between will and emotion, Scully. The stars are on my side.
Is that what you're calling it now, Mulder? Harmony? Next you'll suggest we use tarot cards for evidence logging. How exactly do you plan to express this 'charming and persuasive' side? Through interpretive dance?
I could try, but I'd hate to outshine even the Lone Gunmen with my moves. No, Scully, it's about authenticity. The horoscope said it's a day for being yourself, especially in relationships. So if I suddenly become even more insistent about the existence of swamp monsters, don't be alarmed - blame the lunar influence.
I'll remember to check the moon phase before you present your next theory, Mulder. Just promise me you won't start assigning astrological signs to suspect profiles.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Let me guess, Mulder - you actually read your horoscope this morning, didn’t you?
Not just read, Scully. Internalized. It says, and I quote, a 'structured flow fuels my journey.' Doesn’t that sound a lot like what we do every single day? I mean, the alignment of Mercury and Venus apparently makes my meticulous reporting downright charming.
Charming, huh? I suppose you’re planning on using that charm in today’s meeting with Skinner, after turning in your fifteen-page theory on bioluminescent fungi?
Exactly. Negotiations are favored, so maybe he’ll go easier on me this time around. I’m also supposed to be persuasive when it comes to 'creative writing.' You should be prepared, Scully, in case I start narrating the case files in iambic pentameter.
I’ll brace myself. But, Mulder, it also says 'disruptive detailed works are possible.' Does that mean you’ll rearrange all the evidence photos on my desk again, in the pursuit of... symmetry?
Libra is influencing Virgo today. Symmetry meets precision, Scully. Maybe if we organize these autopsy notes just right, the answer will reveal itself, like that time in Philadelphia when everything lined up if you stood at precisely the correct angle.
Mulder, I’m a scientist. I trust research, not astrology. Symmetry and order might be beautiful, but they don’t replace hard evidence.
But you have to admit, Scully - unexpected ideas, sudden news, adaptability… that’s practically a warning label for any case we work on. You can’t dismiss cosmic probability when it keeps matching up with our everyday chaos.
I won’t dismiss the chaos, Mulder. But if the cosmos starts sending us a suspect connected to Venus and Mercury, then I’ll be impressed.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Scully, you know how you're always telling me to be more diplomatic? Well, today’s the day. The stars have my back - apparently Mercury and Venus are in cahoots to make me the smoothest agent in the Bureau.
Mulder, are you really basing your approach to federal investigations on your horoscope again? What happened to evidence-based reasoning?
Let's just say, maybe the key to solving the next big case isn't in the evidence - it's in the art of persuasion. Today, charm and negotiation skills are peaking for me. That's cosmic science, Scully.
Cosmic science? Or are you just planning to talk your way into another restricted area with that boyish grin again?
Think of when we had to negotiate with those twins in Iowa. If today’s planetary alignment would’ve happened then, maybe they would have handed over their files - and the alien artifact - without any tricks.
Or maybe you’d have just charmed your way into twice the trouble. I don’t recall your daily routines usually needing celestial intervention.
That’s just it, Scully - my routines are up for grabs today. The horoscope warned me about unpredictable shifts in relationships. Sudden attractions. Maybe I’m fated to talk someone - or something - out of a bad idea before lunchtime.
Just make sure those sudden attractions don’t compromise the investigation. Last time you followed fate, we ended up decoding a diary written in binary code by an internet entity.
Don’t worry - I’ll keep my third eye open. Besides, the lunar influence is all about reflections today. Balance, mirrors, truth through grace. Ever notice how the strangest cases always turn out to be our greatest teachers?
I’ll leave the sacred balance and mirrors to you, Mulder. I’ll stick with empirical evidence and good old-fashioned medical reports.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Scully, you ever get the feeling the universe is conspiring to help you uncover the truth? According to my horoscope, I'm currently being shaped by mysterious vibes - makes sense, doesn't it? Maybe today’s the day everything comes together.
Mulder, I highly doubt planetary alignment can account for breakthroughs in your investigations. Unless Mercury and Venus have suddenly taken an interest in forensic pathology.
Mercury rules communication, Scully. So, if I suddenly become more charming and persuasive, you’ll know it’s not just my sparkling personality. We might finally get that stone-faced witness to talk, or at least agree to an interview over pie.
Or maybe it means you're finally willing to negotiate for office supplies instead of covertly commandeering them from Quantico.
Could be. My horoscope also says harmony flows between my will and emotions today. So if I seem unflappable in the face of danger - or when Skinner’s chewing us out - you’ll know it’s the cosmic balance at work. Kind of like that time with the shapeshifter; I kept my cool, didn’t I?
You were hypnotized and thought you were Elvis, Mulder.
Details, Scully. Anyway, the moon is apparently in Libra, soothing Scorpio’s shadows. Maybe that means it's finally time for the skeptic and the believer to operate in perfect synchronization. Intimacy meeting depth. We could actually agree on something without arguing first.
Are you suggesting planetary movements could make you more reasonable today? Because that would be paranormal activity worth documenting.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You’re looking unusually optimistic today, Mulder. What’s prompted this new outlook?
I just read my horoscope, Scully. Apparently, I’m embarking on a vivid quest today, and everything’s supposed to flow perfectly between my will and my emotions. It’s basically a cosmic green light for self-expression.
So you’re letting the planets dictate your emotional state now? What’s next, Mulder - letting them solve our casework?
Don’t dismiss it so quickly. The horoscope specifically said I should enjoy activities where I can be authentic. That means being myself - digging through evidence, questioning the authorities, looking for truths everyone else ignores. Like that time in Oregon. The universe practically wants me to question reality.
Mulder, just because the moon’s in Libra doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly find elegance in your pursuit of aliens. The only thing you’re likely to catch is a cold, given how much time you spend in the field.
Ah, but it’s not just about chasing little green men today. There’s a warning, too - my communication will be especially affected. I need to stay authentic and connected, which means telling you the truth even if it sounds unbelievable. But the stars say I need to stay calm, or I’ll come across too emotional. That could jeopardize everything, like what happened during that fiasco in the Arctic.
Mulder, a vivid quest doesn’t mean you should go charging into trouble just because a horoscope told you to. Maybe try grounding your vision with a little reality, as well as elegance.
Scully, Libra’s influence on Sagittarius is about seeing that truth can be beautiful, not just cold hard facts. Maybe today’s the perfect day to see things with a little more grace. After all, if you can’t trust the universe, who can you trust?
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and I have to say, today is probably the day my soul gets guided by some serious ambitious resolve.
Is that right, Mulder? So Mercury and Venus are telling you to chase after more little green men today?
Hear me out! It says my long-term goals are persuasive, that negotiations are favored. You remember that time with Senator Matheson? Maybe today is the day I get that smoking man to finally listen to reason. Or at least, let me access those classified files without a security escort.
Negotiate with the unofficial spokesman for the syndicate? Mulder, not even perfect planetary alignment could get that man to smile, let alone help you. And I wouldn’t trust Mercury’s promises if you paid me.
But think about it, Scully - the horoscope specifically mentions harmony between my will and emotions. It’s almost like the universe is suggesting I’ll approach everything today with balance. Maybe I can avoid the usual pitfall - ahem, basement-level demotions - if I channel a little Libra poise.
Channel all the poise you wish, Mulder, but you might want to remember that so-called harmony didn’t do you much good the last time the Bureau called you charming. You ended up in Antarctica.
All in the name of expressing myself, Scully. Besides, Libra's refinement might be what my disciplined Capricorn nature needs. Power, tempered by poise, becomes wisdom. That sounds like just the thing to get us through another day of paperwork - or, you know, alien autopsies.
Well, if you’re negotiating for takeout later, Mulder, I’ll believe there’s something to your horoscope. Until then, I’ll stick with evidence over astrology.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, are you seriously telling me you plan to let a horoscope dictate your day? What’s got you so worked up this morning?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it basically says my bold mind is going to shape my destiny today. Disruptive innovations, unexpected news, sudden changes - it's practically written in the stars that we’re due for a break in the case. Mercury and Venus are aligned, so my charm and persuasive talents are peaking. We should be ready for anything.
So, you believe Mercury and Venus are the reason you think you’ll solve the case with charm instead of evidence?
Isn't it strange that the moment I read about unpredictable relationship changes and sudden attractions, Skinner emails us with a new case involving twin sisters who claim to communicate telepathically across state lines? Maybe it isn’t coincidence. The lunar influence says love becomes freedom - shared, Scully. It sounds like an open invitation to discover what’s truly out there.
Mulder, love cannot be reduced to celestial poetry, and I highly doubt our leads will multiply because a horoscope granted you cosmic charisma. But let’s say for argument’s sake there’s some truth here. How exactly do you plan to handle these 'unpredictable changes' and 'sudden attractions' this time?
Adaptability, Scully. That’s what the stars recommend - and you know, after what we saw in that Pennsylvania farmhouse, I’d say it’s prudent advice. Artistry, innovation, and keeping an open mind. Maybe if we channel a little Aquarian equality, we’ll get the witnesses to open up more than they would for the average agent.
As long as your so-called innovation doesn’t involve a Ouija board or piecing evidence together based on astrological transits, I’ll let you have your cosmic moment. Now, are you coming or do you need to meditate on Libra’s artistic equality first?
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You seem a little more contemplative than usual, Mulder. Did you spend last night interpreting crop circles again, or is something else on your mind?
Actually Scully, I just read my horoscope and it’s quite pertinent. It says 'ethereal dreams lift your course.' Maybe that explains why I felt like I was hovering three feet above my bed last night… and not because of the Chili’s takeout.
So today, your cosmic forecast is floating dreams and mystical experiences? Should I be on the lookout for men in black or just prepare for more of your imaginative theories?
You know, Scully, it also warned me about 'overemotional reactions.' I suppose that could be a side effect from spending so much time investigating the unknown. Maybe if I’d maintained perspective, I wouldn’t have ended up chained in that underground bunker with a shapeshifter.
Or perhaps, Mulder, it means you should stop letting dreams - or horoscopes - run your day. I haven’t noticed any unusual emotional volatility. Unless you count that time you got into an argument with the vending machine.
Ah, but the stars say with Mercury and Venus aligned, my intuition is both charming and persuasive today. That could come in handy if we need to convince Skinner I wasn’t the one who erased his tape recording again.
I’m sure Skinner will find your 'charming persuasion' overwhelmingly compelling. Just remember, creative writing doesn’t replace a solid case file - no matter how much Mercury and Venus cheer you on.
But think about it, Scully. Libra uplifts Pisces’ dream. Maybe that means today we’ll actually solve a case through delicate compassion instead of forensic analysis. Silk-gloved hands instead of latex.
Next you'll tell me the 'fantasy finds its form in delicate devotion' means we should be hunting for unicorns in Central Park. Just make sure you let me know if your dreams tell you where to get coffee. Practicality can be its own kind of revelation, Mulder.