Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, I read my horoscope this morning and it basically confirmed what I’ve suspected all along. Today, dynamic energies are surging. I’m practically brimming with rebellious intent.
So if I see the office on fire, should I just assume it was your horoscope’s fault?
Not exactly fire, Scully. More like... a social combustion. Supposedly my logic and feelings are at war - guess which side is winning? Feelings. Hello, irrational instincts.
That’s hardly new territory for you. You let your feelings lead the way on most cases - especially when it comes to questionable witnesses.
But today, it’s more than that. The stars say my messages are dangerous - like, 'watch out, Scully, I might accidentally charm my way out of a government conspiracy today.'
Mulder, unless your horoscope also advised you to resist sending flirtatious text messages to deep-cover informants, I say proceed with extreme caution.
I think it’s more of a cosmic heads-up. The centaur’s arrow splits the wind, Scully - the target is always moving. Maybe I’ve just got to anticipate the unexpected. Like the time Krycek slipped away just when we thought we had him.
Or like how your rebellious urges keep moving the line between professional conduct and wild speculation. Remember to keep your focus, Mulder. Horoscopes don’t make you immune to consequences.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Scully, I have to tell you about my horoscope. It says my strength is unwavering today and that my feelings are overtaking my logic, which honestly explains a lot considering how drawn I feel to the unknown lately.
Mulder, you do realize horoscopes are designed to be vague enough to apply to anyone? Logic usually wins out for most rational people.
Ah, but not for me. Today, emotions are steering the ship, Scully. The horoscope even said I'm undergoing an inner transformation. Maybe that's why I've been thinking about those shadowy hallway confessions, and probably why I've been texting people more than usual - maybe even a little smoother than I should.
Smooth is subjective, Mulder. Are you sure you're not just imagining the world wants to flirt back with you?
It's in the stars, Scully. Supposedly, I'm going to be attracted to someone 'problematic.' Maybe that's why I keep finding myself intrigued by people like Krycek or those enigmatic sources who keep showing up at 3 a.m. in parking garages.
I'd argue your pattern with problematic attachments goes beyond today's lunar influence. Speaking of which, why does your horoscope keep referencing bison? Are you planning on sacred migration or just a walk through the park?
The bison is a symbol, Scully. It said that wherever I walk becomes sacred ground. Maybe every cold case we chase is a new trail, carving paths for others to follow - even if those paths look more like crime scenes than prairies.
So the next time we stumble across one of your so-called sacred paths, should I expect a herd, or just another wild theory?
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like it's about to reveal the secrets of the universe?
Scully, you ever read your horoscope and just feel... seen? Mine says my feelings are overpowering my logic today and my wit is apparently going to get me into trouble. It even warned me I might flirt with someone I shouldn’t.
Given how you handled that alien DNA analyst in Dallas, I'm not sure you need the stars to warn you.
But Scully, there's a greater cosmic pattern at play. The lunar influence is strong, says the mockingbird steals the siren’s song. Danger, adventure - it's practically an invitation to break every Bureau regulation on human resources.
Next you'll tell me the lunar tide is responsible for you charming your way past Deputy Director Kersh’s new restrictions.
Don’t underestimate lunar influence, Scully. Some say mothmen, others say fate. Today, I say my texts could alter the course of Bureau history - if they fall into the wrong hands, especially if those hands belong to someone labeled 'problematic.'
Just remember, Mulder, your brand of danger sounds a lot like last time we had to file a report about a shapeshifter in HR.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, you look like you've had some kind of revelation. Did you come across something interesting in those case files?
Scully, I just read my horoscope - a cosmic sign if you ask me. It says my feelings are going to overpower my logic today. Apparently, a 'tender glow' will be defining my every move. It's written in the stars.
Are you sure that isn’t just the fluorescent lighting in this office, Mulder? Or your tendency to chase metaphors around in circles?
Listen, it says my texts are 'dangerously smooth' today. That’s practically a mission briefing. Maybe that means I’ll finally get through to Skinner when I tell him about the Department of Defense's secret project - which won’t stay secret much longer, I might add.
And what does it say about our daily routines? Will your horoscope help you finish expense reports for once?
Scully, daily routines are supposed to go haywire - my feelings are going to win out over logic. So, maybe I won’t finish paperwork, but perhaps I’ll decode another message from our... well, unconventional informant.
Convenient. Does your cosmic forecast say anything about being attracted to problematic people? Or is that just your usual type?
Funny you mention it, because it specifically warned me I’d be 'attracted to someone problematic.' Maybe it means I’ll run into Krycek. Or that you’ll talk me out of joining a cult again.
As long as your devotion to this horoscope doesn’t interfere with the autopsy report you owe me, be my guest. Just don’t start spouting poetic nonsense about albatrosses and moon vodka.
Too late, Scully. The albatross drinks moon vodka, nostalgia fueling endless flight. Isn’t that how you’d describe our line of work? Flying endlessly, chasing the impossible, haunted by the past?
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, you look oddly contemplative. Did you find a new conspiracy in the classifieds again?
Not this time, Scully. I've just read my horoscope and, honestly, it's told me everything I need to know about today. Apparently, my spirit is 'bold' and I'm supposed to have rebellious urges. I should try not to burn anything down, especially where it concerns relationships.
So you’re letting a horoscope dictate your social maneuvering now? Does this mean I have to keep you away from government buildings or just from Skinner’s office?
Scully, it’s the universe aligning for me! My feelings and logic are at war - feelings are winning. That’s probably why I can’t stop thinking about that time you saved me from myself in that underground bunker. Maybe I should embrace my instincts more. You never know when you'll outrun the conventional, like a cheetah laughing at the horizon.
Mulder, last time you gave in to your ‘instincts’ we ended up chasing a man who claimed to turn into a bat. I’d hardly call that speed a form of prayer.
Well, according to today’s cosmic alignment, my texts are dangerously smooth, so someone’s getting flirted with, whether they like it or not. That might explain why Frohike has been blowing up my phone.
Great. Just try not to break any hearts or, more importantly, any federal laws. If I see you sprinting down the hallway in pursuit of your so-called destiny, I’m calling security.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, are you reading your horoscope again? What's got your mind working overtime now?
Scully, this isn't just any horoscope. It says analytical calm is supposed to be guiding my soul today, but my logic and feelings are in a cosmic tug-of-war. And apparently, feelings are winning - could explain that charitable mood I was in at Skinner's briefing.
So, you're saying your feelings are about to override your usual logical conclusions? Am I supposed to brace for emotional instability or spontaneous declarations of affection?
You might want to, Scully. It also says my texts will be 'dangerously smooth' and that someone's about to get flirted with, whether they like it or not. I have a responsibility, as an agent of fate, not to ignore the siren call of the zodiac.
Remind me again how you go from snapping photos of strange lights in the woods to blaming astrological events for your pickup lines? Maybe you've been spending too much time trying to decode crop circles with Frohike.
Scully, the last line is the clincher: I'm going to be attracted to someone problematic. The universe clearly wants me to risk emotional entanglement for the greater good. Remember that time the Arctic tern rewired its instincts mid-journey? Maybe that’s me today - my logic, edited by instinct. Who knows where I'll end up?
As long as your idea of being 'attracted to someone problematic' doesn't end with us chasing another invisible assailant through the snow, you have my blessing. But Mulder, just for science’s sake - try not to let your feelings send your text messages to the wrong FBI branch chief.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Scully, you’ll never believe the cosmic sign I just got. According to my horoscope, fairness and love are steering my course today. Apparently, my texts are so smooth they’re supposed to be, and I quote, ‘dangerous.’
Mulder, are you really letting an online horoscope dictate your mood? Since when did planetary alignment become an FBI-approved investigative tool?
Come on, Scully, you have to admit, it isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve believed. Besides, it says I’m going to get attracted to someone problematic. It's like the cosmos knows exactly how my day at the Bureau goes. Remember that informant last month who tried to flirt with both of us in the parking garage?
If your routine is being disrupted by unreliable characters, maybe you should stop texting them back. Or is that not what the horoscope wants you to do?
That’s just it, Scully, my feelings and my logic are fighting. You’re the champion of logic. If I get too swept up by cosmic suggestions, you’ll pull me out. But what if this is some kind of sign? I mean, ‘the dancing bear remembers freedom, and grace persists in captivity.’ It’s poetic, almost like it’s referencing that case with the Russian circus troupe.
Or maybe it just means you’re buying into metaphors instead of evidence again. Stick to the facts, Mulder. Unless your horoscope has proof of extraterrestrial interference, I think you’ll survive a dangerously smooth text or two.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, are you seriously telling me that you’re letting your horoscope dictate how you approach today’s case?
Scully, you can laugh, but the hidden forces lighting my journey are practically palpable. I woke up today feeling like logic and emotion were at war - and emotion stormed the beaches. That’s not just breakfast talking.
When your 'hidden forces' start affecting the FBI’s values and resources, let me know so I can file the appropriate paperwork.
I’d suggest you brace yourself, Scully. Apparently, my texts are dangerously smooth today. Someone's getting flirted with - cosmic orders, not mine. And this directly impacts my creative pursuits. You remember how I got last time we investigated that haunted typewriter.
Mulder, if someone's 'problematic,' maybe it means you should exercise caution, not fertile creativity. And please, for the sake of the Bureau’s phone records, keep the flirting to a minimum.
But don’t you see? Even the lunar influence is like a message - roadrunner paints the canyon, art mocking death’s proximity. Maybe that’s a sign we shouldn’t take things at face value today. Maybe the pursuit is the point.
Or maybe your horoscope is just an excuse to be more impulsive than usual. If you start painting tunnels onto rocks, Mulder, I’m calling Skinner.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Scully, you're not going to believe this, but according to my horoscope, today my rebellious urges are at peak capacity. Apparently, I'm not supposed to set anything on fire - figuratively or otherwise. Although, after last week, that's probably sound advice.
Mulder, when was the last time you took a horoscope seriously? And what exactly are you planning to burn down, feelings-wise or otherwise?
It’s not about planning, Scully - it’s in the cosmic air. The stars say my logic and my emotions are at war, and guess what’s winning? My feelings. I think the universe wants me to go with my gut today. Maybe that’s how I always end up following the strange leads instead of the paperwork.
Mulder, your feelings have been 'winning' since the day you dragged me to that forest looking for alien plants. And since when did your texting skills become something the cosmos needed to warn the world about?
You can blame it on the lunar influence, Scully. 'The green man’s arrows sprout vines.' Every wound becomes a new path - sounds like a poetic way of saying every case I chase just leads to more mysteries. Maybe today I'll stir up more than just flirtation in my messages.
If you start speaking in plant metaphors during interviews, I'm leaving you at the nearest botanical garden. And Mulder, just don't try to charm the next informant. We still need reliable intel, you know.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You’re unusually quiet, Mulder. What’s going on? Another late-night conspiracy theory?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope. It says a resolute heart is driving the way today, which means I’m supposed to follow my feelings over logic. Apparently, my spiritual side is at risk. My entire communication style could be… dangerously smooth. Makes me wonder if that’s what happened when I met that shapeshifter in Tulsa.
Is that why you’ve been waxing poetic at the coffee shop? Mulder, you can’t let vague generalizations guide your actions. If your text messages are suddenly ‘dangerously smooth,’ I’d suggest you reconsider before acting on those feelings.
But Scully, the stars never lie. The lunar influence is clear: the mountain sheep defies gravity! That’s got to mean something for us. Maybe faith in the unexplained is just another form of stubborn physics.
Or maybe faith is just selective reasoning, Mulder. Besides, it says you’ll be attracted to someone problematic. I’d say that’s more of a warning than an invitation. Just don’t start seeing everyone as an alien in disguise.
Don’t worry, Scully, I’ll keep my heart resolute… and my flirtations strictly terrestrial. Probably. Unless the next informant is as dangerous as the horoscope claims. Maybe I should let my feelings lead this time, for science.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You seem in a strangely optimistic mood, Mulder. Let me guess - you just read something you believe is a sign from the universe?
Scully, it's not just a sign, it's a cosmic roadmap. My horoscope says, and I quote, 'innovative winds guide your journey.' Do you realize what that means for someone like me?
It means you're about to chase another wild theory while I file the paperwork, doesn't it?
No, it means the universe is practically begging me to look beyond the obvious. To reinvent the search. Plus, apparently, I'm destined to be attracted to someone problematic. Story of my life.
That's no revelation, Mulder. You’re consistently drawn to the most... complicated people. It’s probably more about psychology than astrology.
But it says my values and resources are at stake. Think about it. What if the next case threatens everything we’re working for? Or suppose a shadowy conspirator tries to buy me off? How do I navigate that, Scully?
With logic, evidence, and perhaps a little bit of skepticism. Not with rebellious urges. Please try not to burn anything down. Literally or figuratively.
I can't promise, Scully. The horoscope says rebellious urges are strong. If I see another Tunguska-like cover-up, I might just lose it. But there's something else - listen to this: ‘The thunderbird nests in powerlines. Modernity can't cage myth.’ That could be a lead in itself.
Or it could mean you shouldn't trust everything you read in the back of the newspaper. Mulder, feelings and logic may be fighting in you, but I suggest you let logic win this round.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You look unusually animated this morning, Mulder. Did you spot a crop circle in the coffee grounds again?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it's basically telling me that my imaginative energy is set to lift my soul today. I think that means I should trust my gut instincts on our cases instead of boring old logic.
I hope your 'imaginative energy' isn't code for chasing more shadowy informants through abandoned warehouses. What does it say about actual evidence?
Interestingly, it says my feelings are going to beat my logic, especially when it comes to career ambitions. I bet that means I was right to throw out that standard field report in favor of... let’s say, more creative theories about the Black Oil.
Or it means you’re going to submit paperwork today using emojis.
It also predicts my texts are 'dangerously smooth,' which could be a warning. If Skinner texts me, maybe I should avoid responding with gifs. But - you never know when a little charm might break a lead.
If you send that kind of text to any witnesses, I’ll make sure to remind you that’s not Bureau protocol.
There's more. Apparently, I'm going to be attracted to someone problematic, which makes me think we should keep an eye out for... well, Krycek, or possibly someone more esoteric.
Considering your history, Mulder, I’d say that’s almost a certainty, horoscope or not.
And finally, Scully, the Lunar Influence - 'The salmon leaps into the mural. Reality is your favorite fiction.' Doesn’t that just scream interdimensional rift in the fabric of what we consider real?
It sounds like you’re about to make the case file for the week a surrealist painting. Just remember, Mulder - reality may be your favorite fiction, but someone still has to sign off on the paperwork.