Aries
March 21 - April 19
Mulder, you look unusually chipper this morning. Is it another alien sighting or did something else catch your attention?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope, and apparently, I’m riding a surge of vitality. I have this unstoppable urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. You think my skill set applies out there among the hoofed and the bearded?
A goat farmer? So you’re swapping conspiracy theories for cheese making now?
Don’t underestimate the deep wisdom of goats, Scully. Mountainous terrain, society’s outcasts... seems fitting. Plus, my horoscope says my social connections are sizzling today. My texts are allegedly 'dangerously smooth.'
I suppose your idea of flirting is texting cryptic midnight theories about flukemen, Mulder. Does the horoscope mention whether your smooth texts will land you in more trouble with Skinner or with me?
Possibly both. The stars are aligning for me, Scully. Abundance, good vibes, maybe even snacks. Remember those sunflower seeds I found inexplicably multiplying in my desk drawer? Abundance in action.
That would be the Taurus Moon at work, right? Grounding your 'fiery nature' and urging you to slow down. You could probably use a grounding influence after last week's incident in the sewer.
It’s true. The Moon advises patience and conservative approaches to financial matters. So before I trade all my savings for a herd of mystical goats, maybe I'll just stick to appreciating the little pleasures - like not getting eaten by cryptids.
Or maybe just focus on the snacks, Mulder. You’re less likely to end up on Skinner’s desk that way.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, why are you grinning at your phone like that? Another conspiracy theory come true?
Not exactly, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and it says my words have an irresistible allure today. Apparently, I’m anchoring the day with steady strength - and charm. Dangerously smooth, you might say.
Is that so? Should I be concerned about being charmed right into a black-lunged smoking man’s trap?
You never know, Scully. The stars say someone’s getting flirted with, whether they like it or not. Suddenly, I feel like my social connections are about to be swept up in a cosmic abundance. Maybe I’ll finally get those sunflower seeds delivered. Good vibes - and some snacks. These are planetary predictions, Scully.
Or maybe it’s just the vending machine finally getting fixed. You don’t really believe your horoscope determines whether your text messages are irresistible, do you?
Can you rule it out? The Moon is in Taurus, enhancing my appreciation for beauty and comfort. I’m supposed to focus on stabilizing relationships. Maybe that’s why I keep thinking about buying a goat farm and leaving all this behind.
Goat farming, Mulder? I hope you’re not planning to bring the goats into the office for emotional support. And as your partner, I feel obligated to remind you - resist excessive stubbornness in emotional matters. Even if the moon encourages it.
That may be, Scully, but you have to admit the stars have been right before. Remember that time in Oregon -
I remember. But I’ll trust science over starlight to solve our next case, Mulder. Even if snacks and smooth talking are involved.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You look uncharacteristically cheerful, Mulder. Did you discover a new conspiracy, or just indulge in sugar again?
Neither, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently my wit is especially sharp today - the stars say my texts are so dangerously smooth, I might accidentally flirt with someone. Not that I’d ever let interdepartmental relations get out of hand.
Dangerously smooth, Mulder? I suppose this means we’ll need to put your phone in evidence, just in case. What does any of that have to do with our current case?
It also said abundance is flowing, which I think means good things for my career. Maybe we’ll finally get a raise, or at the very least, more funding for the X-Files. But Scully, it also hints at snacks, so keep your eyes peeled for that leftover pie in the fridge.
If you think astrology is going to get us more bureau funding, you might want to recalibrate your cosmic expectations. Or maybe you could use those persuasive texts on the director.
Oh, and get this - the horoscope warned about a sudden urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. If you see me browsing livestock classifieds, it’s not alien abductions driving me away this time.
I’ll admit, Mulder, 'Mulder’s Goat Dairy' has a certain rustic appeal, but I doubt your restlessness can be cured by fresh air and goats. Especially when you’re already working in the field.
Actually, the lunar influence wants me focused on practical results, not just outrageous theories. So maybe - just maybe - I’ll double-check our evidence before proposing any extraterrestrial hypotheses today. Baby steps, right, Scully?
That’s the most convincing argument your horoscope has produced all morning. Come on, Mulder. Let’s focus on the tangible for a change. We can revisit your goat farmer dreams at lunch.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Scully, you're not going to believe this, but according to my horoscope, I'm basically invincible today. There's some kind of 'protective vibe' surrounding me, like I'm being shielded by an unseen force. Kind of makes you think about how often we've gotten out of tough spots unscathed.
Mulder, are you seriously using your horoscope as evidence for supernatural protection now? Come on, even for you that’s a stretch.
I think the evidence speaks for itself, Scully. It says abundance is flowing - mostly good vibes, but possibly snacks, too. I knew there was a reason the vending machine ate my money yesterday; maybe today it'll spit out extra.
Or maybe you're just mixing coincidence with wishful thinking. You do realize horoscopes aren't exactly scientific, right?
Wait, it gets better. Apparently, my 'texts are dangerously smooth.' Maybe that explains why the Lone Gunmen keep texting me for relationship advice. Or maybe I've just become irresistible over night. The stars say someone’s getting flirted with, like it or not.
Mulder, you know surveilling government conspiracies doesn’t count as flirting, right? And you’d think the universe could pick better timing than a federal investigation.
But there’s a lunar influence at work, Scully. Two nurturing signs, harmony at home. Makes you wonder if I should call my mom, or maybe finally fix that hole in my ceiling. Maybe all this intuition I've been feeling about you needing coffee is more than just observational skills.
Or maybe you just notice when my mug is empty. Next you’ll be saying extraterrestrials wrote your horoscope.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like it's about to abduct you?
You won't believe this, Scully, but my horoscope says dazzling energy is coursing through my soul today. I feel like I'm on the verge of... something profound.
Your soul, Mulder? Are you sure it's not just the extra-large espresso you had this morning?
No, Scully, this is cosmic. I even have a sudden urge to quit everything we've been doing - imagine us as goat farmers. Goats, Scully! The signs are telling me.
Mulder, you're talking about abandoning years of investigative work for livestock? Is this more convincing than the time you wanted to join that UFO cult in Wyoming?
That was different, Scully. This time, the universe is practically pushing me into transformation. And apparently, my texts are dangerously smooth today. Honest warning.
I suppose I should prepare myself for an influx of Mulder-brand charm, then? Or should I just ignore your messages like I do your conspiracy theories?
You could try, but the stars say someone's getting flirted with - willingly or not. I can't control the abundance that's coming my way. And maybe a few snacks, too. I think that's the universe’s way of making up for all the questionable motel breakfasts we've had.
Let me get this straight: your horoscope told you to flirt, farm goats, eat snacks, and focus on romance? And you just believe it?
The lunar influence is at work, Scully. My dramatic flair is supposed to find an earthy expression, and apparently that involves being meticulous with creative projects and deepening romantic relationships. I'm just following the guidance.
Maybe you should apply that meticulous attention to the field reports you still haven't filed instead of your alleged dramatic flair.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, you seem way too chipper for someone who's been digging through decades-old paperwork all morning. Did you find a buried alien memo or something?
No, Scully. Even better. According to my horoscope, diligence is apparently my guiding light today. I'm running at full analytical capacity, and if you notice me being extra smooth in my texts, it's not a side effect of that weird fungus sample from last week.
So you're blaming the stars for your sudden flirtatious messages to Skinner about those new office snacks?
Hey, the stars say someone’s getting flirted with and I’m just following cosmic orders. Besides, the abundance today is real, Scully. It’s everywhere. Relationships, good vibes, suspiciously good donuts in the break room… hard to ignore the signs.
The only thing suspicious is how you're using astrology to justify mid-morning pastries. What about that urge you mentioned earlier - to quit everything and become a goat farmer? Is that also interstellar wisdom?
It makes perfect sense. The lunar influence is practically shouting that I should seek earth sign synergy, focus on detailed work - maybe even organize a herd. Imagine the enlightenment! All those little analytical observations, applied directly to goat behavior. I bet even that guy with the tattooed face couldn’t top that level of dedication.
Mulder, sometimes care and practicality are important. Just maybe leave the goat applications out of the field reports. And if you start texting me farm puns after midnight, I’m changing my number.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
You look unusually pleased with yourself, Mulder. Did you finally find that piece of toast shaped like Elvis or are you just in a good mood today?
It's deeper than toast, Scully. My horoscope says my balanced beauty is going to shape my spirit and that my texts are dangerously smooth today. I guess you could say the real danger today is my wit - maybe even my charm.
Dangerous texts? Mulder, your last message to me accidentally included half of your grocery list and an emoji you didn’t mean to use.
That was yesterday, Scully. Today, I’m allegedly an unstoppable force of smooth communication. Someone’s getting flirted with, whether they like it or not. You can't resist cosmic alignment, can you?
I assure you, Mulder, I have managed to resist cosmic alignment my entire career. So far, my daily routine hasn’t been disrupted by your astral charisma.
You say that now, but the horoscope also claims there’s abundance flowing - mostly good vibes and, for some reason, snacks. Maybe that suspiciously full vending machine down the hall is no coincidence.
Give it a few hours, Mulder, and you’ll be back to investigating mysterious nutritional supplements. Or is today the day you quit everything to become a goat farmer?
Tempting, Scully, but I think I’ll wait until Venus-ruled moons align even more beautifully. The horoscope insists relationships will have harmony and stability. I’d hate to disrupt that delicate lunar balance with a sudden move to the countryside, unless of course, there’s an unexplained phenomenon involving unusually harmonious goats.
If you find a goat that can text as smoothly as you claim you can today, let me know. Until then, I’ll stick to quality materials and timeless design - like evidence and rational explanations.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
You look awfully philosophical this morning, Mulder. Did Skinner assign you to astrology duty now?
Actually, Scully, my horoscope just told me a dark glow would ignite my day. You ever get that sudden urge to throw it all away and become a goat farmer? Because apparently I'm supposed to today.
A goat farmer, Mulder? You're not seriously entertaining that, are you? I can't picture you with livestock, let alone abandoning the Bureau for it.
Scully, the signs are there - remember that time we visited the Pennsylvania countryside? Stranger things have happened. Plus, my horoscope says abundance is flowing. With mostly good vibes and snacks! I could live off the land and still have time for a little flirtation - my texts are supposed to be 'dangerously smooth' today.
Dangerously smooth? As in, you might text someone into abduction? Or just social embarrassment? Maybe you should focus on the case files instead of charming anyone right now.
But Scully, it's influencing my creative pursuits. The universe practically insists someone gets flirted with, whether they like it or not. I'm just fulfilling cosmic obligations here. And before you ask, no, I won't be messaging Diana.
Just promise me you won't turn our next report into a love letter. What about your practical expressions, Mulder? Apparently your horoscope is telling you to focus less on drama and more on rational conversation. Do you think you can manage that for a day?
I can try, Scully. After all, lunar influence dictates Earth is providing a container for my intensity. Maybe it's time to put that to work in our financial investigations - without any orange flashlights or piles of sunflower seeds.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You’re unusually cheerful today, Mulder. Dare I ask why?
I read my horoscope this morning, Scully. It says, and I quote, 'Free winds steer your journey. Abundance is flowing.' I think today is destined for great things - or at the very least, great snacks.
So, let me get this straight. You’re basing your scientific analysis on astrological wind and snack distribution now?
I’ve always maintained the universe works in mysterious ways. Plus, my texts are apparently ‘dangerously smooth’ today - someone’s getting flirted with, whether they like it or not. I just hope Skinner doesn’t end up on the receiving end by accident.
Mulder, if your horoscope is suggesting you quit your job and become a goat farmer, maybe you should update your phone’s privacy settings before it starts influencing Bureau protocol.
Actually, Scully, it also mentioned that these ‘good vibes’ especially affect my home life. Maybe the apartment will finally stop being haunted by the specter of past cases... or at least by my leftover sunflower seeds.
And what about 'the bull tethering your wandering spirit'? Does that mean you’ll finally plant some roots and finish unpacking your moving boxes?
Perhaps. Or maybe it’s a sign I should thoroughly prepare for our next study trip. When cryptids and cosmic forces are in play, only the best packing job will do.
That would be a first. I’ll believe your horoscope when you start labeling your files.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You look oddly enthusiastic for someone who spent last night digging through classified files. What's going on, Mulder?
Well, Scully, I read my horoscope this morning, and it's clear - today is the day everything aligns. It said that disciplined focus lights my way. I think the universe is rewarding my pursuit of the truth.
Discipline isn’t the first word that comes to mind when I think of your approach, Mulder. Let me guess, did it also say something about goats or perhaps goat farmers?
Funny you mention it. There was a sudden urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Maybe that's the universe's way of telling me to get back to nature, start living off the grid - perhaps avoid any more run-ins with shadowy figures or black oil.
Or maybe it's just a sign you should reconsider your sleeping habits. How exactly do farm animals fit in with 'advancing your career' and 'tangible rewards'?
Apparently, it's about resources. The stars think I should rethink my values, maybe something more sustainable. But there's more, Scully. My texts are supposed to be dangerously smooth today. The cosmos predicts I'll be irresistible - flirting, whether people want it or not.
Then I suppose I'll brace myself against your 'abundance of charm,' Mulder. Should I expect you to butter up the next informant we meet, or will you be saving your dangerously smooth lines for Skinner?
Whoever gets in my path, Scully. The universe didn't specify. And it also promised snacks - so if you see anything edible, snag it before I do. Maybe that's the true reward: snacks and productivity, hand in hand.
Ambitious productivity, snacks, goats, and unsolicited flirting. Sounds like just another day in the X-Files. Let me know when the abundance starts flowing, Mulder. I'll make sure the lab's fridge is locked.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, you’ve been staring at your phone for ten minutes. Are you going to tell me what you’ve found, or should I prepare myself for another tale of government conspiracy involving llamas?
Scully, this isn’t soft disclosure - this is fate. My horoscope says I have a sudden urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Isn’t that amazing? I always knew I was destined for something... unconventional.
A goat farmer, Mulder? Is this rooted in any actual desire to care for livestock, or is this just another creative way to avoid writing your field reports?
Don’t you see? It says my progressive thoughts are fueling my soul, Scully. The universe is practically screaming at me to shake things up. Maybe the goats have answers - the truth is out there, and today it’s chewing grass in Virginia.
If your soul is so fueled, perhaps you could channel that progressive energy into our current case load instead of abandoning it for ruminants. Also, who exactly are you planning to flirt with today? You’re not usually this confident when you text Skinner.
According to the stars, my messages are dangerously smooth. I’m just warning you, Scully, if you get a cryptic emoji from me later, it’s all lunar influence. Fixed earth meets fixed air - these are forces beyond us, like that time we found that telepathic boy in Iowa.
So you’re telling me we’ll finally ground your visionary concepts with some practical application? I’ll believe that when you start keeping receipts for department snacks. Besides, what are these ‘group projects’ that benefit, other than fulfilling your annual performance review?
Scully, abundance is flowing - mostly good vibes, but maybe also snacks. Maybe we’re due for some closure in the break room. I’m just saying, if I come back with a goat, don’t act surprised.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, are you really going to sit there snacking on sunflower seeds and tell me the stars have dictated your day again?
Scully, it’s not just the stars this time. My horoscope specifically says my intuition is running the show today. I don’t want to brag, but with this much cosmic abundance, don’t be surprised if I solve the next case telepathically.
Let me guess, this abundance also comes with snacks. Are you sure your intuition isn’t just your blood sugar talking?
Very funny, Scully. But no - listen to this part: ‘My texts are dangerously smooth today.’ I don’t want to alarm you, but you might find yourself on the receiving end of some deeply flirty emails. Not like when I was texting Frohike on that encrypted channel, this is the real deal. Pure charisma.
Dangerously smooth? Mulder, the last time you sent me a text, it autocorrected ‘Scully’ to ‘Squishy.’ I’m not convinced the universe is guiding your thumbs.
Ah, but that was before today, Scully. The horoscope also says I might feel a sudden urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Did you ever notice how peaceful goats are? Or that time we found one wandering in the woods outside that cabin? Maybe there’s a sign here.
You realize goat farming is mostly hard work, right? But if the Earth’s lunar influence tells you to get artistic, maybe try painting a goat first before you run off to the mountains.
That’s actually not a bad idea, Scully. But the horoscope warns me to stay disciplined in my creative pursuits. Maybe I can balance spiritual enlightenment with working on case files. Channel my inner monk - or goat herder - with a cell phone and a sketchpad.
Mulder, just promise me if you get any sudden urges to buy livestock, you’ll text me first. Smoothly or otherwise.