Aries
March 21 - April 19
Mulder, are you texting me from the next room? Why did I just get a series of cryptic frog emojis and something about sacred geometry?
That's not just me, Scully - it's the universe pushing my rebellious spirit. My horoscope said my brain's a meme factory today. I think it's some kind of cosmic permission slip.
A meme factory? I suppose we can add 'walking zeitgeist' to your job description. And the part about not burning anything down - is that planetary advice or a warning after what happened in that warehouse last month?
That was different. This is spiritual, Scully. The horoscope said the lunar influence wants to soften my stride - to turn a warrior into a healer. Maybe I'm meant to help, not just investigate. Maybe today I lead with compassion instead of paranoia.
Mulder, you're suggesting that letting Pisces guide your steps is safer than your usual 'run-into-danger' approach. I suppose I should brace myself for a new you. Should I be worried about the texts part, or just the regret that might follow?
No regrets, Scully! Good vibes only - that’s what the stars decreed. Unless you decide to kill my buzz. You never did answer my question about the frog DNA in that green blood sample.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You look unusually focused, Mulder. What's rattling around in your head?
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and it's uncanny. Apparently, my brain is a meme factory today. I should be generating paradigm-shifting thoughts; maybe we should prepare for spontaneous flashes of genius.
Or maybe you're just looking for an excuse to text Skinner memes again. Your last message to him barely fell within Bureau protocol.
But, Scully, the stars warn that regret may follow my texts. There's danger here, like sending a message that opens a portal to awkward office small talk. It's my social connections at risk - possibly even yours by proximity.
I'm not sure astrological warnings are going to protect us from the fallout of you sending UFO emoji riddles at two in the morning. Besides, what does ‘enduring patience marks your path’ even mean? Are you planning to test mine today?
It means that, despite any extraterrestrial distractions - or if Frohike tries to crash our inbox again - I will remain steadfast. I will endure all buzz killers, Scully. Except those with truly killer buzz. Then, all bets are off.
If your good vibes depend on others not killing your buzz, you might want to avoid the morgue and anything involving cigarette-smoking men today.
But listen, Scully, there's a strong lunar influence. Pisces and Taurus - intangible things taking form. What if love really does become an artful presence? Maybe even in a world full of shadowy conspiracies and ambiguous government agents.
Or maybe it's just another Tuesday at the Bureau. Try not to melt into anyone's touch before we finish our paperwork, Mulder.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you seem... unusually buoyant this morning. Is there something you want to share?
Scully, I read my horoscope and it's practically screaming that my brain is a meme factory today. My wit is supposed to be sharper than ever. Imagine that - volume up to eleven.
A meme factory, Mulder? Are you planning to solve our current case with cat jokes and wordplay, or will you be taking your 'career ambitions' in a more traditional direction?
Career ambitions are at stake, Scully! Apparently, today’s the day I send texts that might just tip the balance between enlightenment and regret. One errant message and Skinner could finally decide I’ve lost my last marble.
Your last marble left the building long ago, Mulder. But let’s say the stars are right. What big idea has your ‘expansive mind’ conjured up besides phoning in alien autopsy memes to the Director’s office?
It’s not just about aliens, Scully. The horoscope says imagination breathes into intellect - Pisces level dreaming, Gemini level thinking. Meaning is felt before it’s known! Maybe I've finally got the breakthrough for that string of unsolved cases with mysterious bioluminescent phenomena. Or, maybe I’ll accidentally text Frohike my grocery list instead of encrypted coordinates to that informant.
So what you're saying is, I should prepare myself for flights of fancy, pithy one-liners, and possibly a full-blown existential crisis, all before lunch?
Come on, Scully. Life’s too short for boring horoscopes. If you start feeling the meaning of things before you understand them today, don’t say I didn’t warn you. There’s something in the air - and it’s not swamp gas this time.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, you've barely said a word all morning. What are you working on over there? You look like you just discovered the Flukeman under your desk.
Scully, it’s not a monster this time. It’s my horoscope. I think it’s onto something. Apparently, I’m surrounded by a ‘protective vibe’ today, which explains why I haven’t had any close encounters with shadowy government agents so far.
You’re really putting your faith in astrological predictive power now? I’m not sure a moon in Pisces is the best defense against surveillance. What else does it claim?
Well, according to the cosmos, my brain is a meme factory today. I should be churning out ideas faster than we can debunk them. But there’s a warning about sending risky texts - regret may follow. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried texting Skinner my theory about the alien virus in the tap water last night.
Regret tends to follow most of your late-night correspondence, Mulder, regardless of planetary alignment. Does it say anything about avoiding embarrassment or just telling you to only send good vibes?
‘Good vibes only,’ it says. Unless someone kills my buzz. Then all bets are off. Frankly, that sounds like when we get close to something and the Syndicate swoops in and ruins everything.
So the advice is ‘stay happy unless you’re unhappy,’ and watch out for sending questionable texts. Cutting edge science as usual. What’s this about empathy and healing, though?
The lunar influence, Scully. Pisces and Cancer channeling the infinite ocean of empathy, healing flowing unbound - maybe it’s saying I’ll finally have a breakthrough with my belief in extreme possibilities. Or maybe it’s just telling me I’ll feel extra sentimental if I see another file on Samantha.
Or maybe it’s just another way of saying you’re in a mood. Let’s stick to the evidence, Mulder, and leave the ocean metaphors to the poets - or the astrologers.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You seem unusually energized today, Mulder. Did you find a new conspiracy, or is there something else fueling your soul?
Funny you should ask, Scully. According to my horoscope, there's a vibrant pulse powering through my soul today. Rebellious urges are apparently strong, and I should be trying not to burn anything down.
So, am I supposed to prepare for another questionable road trip, or do you plan on confining this inner arson to the metaphorical kind?
It’s about transformation, Scully. My horoscope says this is affecting my inner self. Like when we investigated that town with the spontaneous combustions - sometimes fire is just a metaphor for change.
Metaphor or not, I have to wonder if your brain churning out memes all day is any safer than actual fire. You know, someone usually has to come clean up after your 'transformative' tendencies.
Scully, it's not just memes - today, my brain is a meme factory. I'm apparently destined to send some impulsive texts, too. I’ll try to keep my regrets, and collateral damage, to a minimum.
And how do you suggest I safeguard your 'good vibes only' directive? Are you planning to avoid anyone who might kill your buzz? Because that list could get long, starting with Skinner.
It’s the lunar influence, Scully. Pisces is illuminating my Leo art divinity in performance. Translation: today I let my ego yield to the muse. If you suddenly catch me reciting poetry at a crime scene, just roll with it.
Should I remind you what happened the last time you expressed your inner muse in public? Or does the phrase ‘unexplained flash mob’ ring any bells?
Some people call it chaos, Scully. I call it destiny.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You look… contemplative, Mulder. Let me guess, inspiration from last night’s conspiracy boards or did you stumble on something else?
Actually Scully, I was just reading my horoscope. It says my quest for perfection is driving me today, and more interestingly, my brain is apparently a meme factory right now. Imagine the possibilities - one cryptic message and it spreads ideas like wildfire.
Why do I get the feeling this means you’re about to bombard me with texts about government cover-ups and psychic cats again?
Only if you promise not to regret it. The stars warn there may be consequences, Scully - regret, strained relationships, big ideas. It’s practically written in the cosmos that I’ll test the boundaries of Bureau communication policy today.
Isn’t that just a normal Tuesday for you? Besides, I’d think after everything with the Lone Gunmen, you’d have some reservations about reckless messaging.
But this is different. The lunar influence is at play - Pisces dreams and Virgo builds. If I connect the right dots, spirit becomes system, Scully. It legitimizes my rebellious urges; maybe we’re supposed to break the rules today, for the greater good.
Or maybe you’re just using astrological metaphor to justify a lack of impulse control. I admit, though - I’m curious about what your ‘expansive’ mind has come up with. As long as it doesn’t involve messages from the Smoking Man.
I can’t promise that, but I can promise to share my best ‘good’ ideas. And who knows, Scully - maybe today we make sense of the system and give the soul a decent pair of shoes. Or at least some answers.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
You’ve been staring at your phone for twenty minutes, Mulder. Planning on contacting extraterrestrial life through texting now?
Actually, Scully, my horoscope says my mind is a meme factory today - communication genius, apparently. I’m just channeling the cosmic flow of abundance through digital media. Texts must be sent. It’s practically a directive from the stars.
And what if those messages come back to haunt you? Didn’t your last ‘inter-dimensional’ group chat nearly get us investigated by Internal Affairs?
Scully, regret is merely an echo of the past. If the stars say connection transcends words, then I have a responsibility to act. Pisces and Libra together - think about it. It’s not just about snacks in the office fridge, it’s about rebelling against the humdrum of routine. I might just have to rearrange the floor lamp, or break into Skinner's cookie stash.
Fine, but if you’re caught pilfering baked goods because ‘abundance is flowing,’ I want it on record I advised against it. And if your meme factory short-circuits, don’t expect me to debug whatever alien transmission you end up sending.
A small price to pay if it means true cosmic connection, Scully. Besides, have I ever let a little lunar influence stop me from seeking the truth? Or a good snack?
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, why do you look like you just found a secret dossier in the breakroom?
Because, Scully, my horoscope says my mental faculties are about to go into overdrive. It literally said my brain is a meme factory today.
A meme factory? Are you sure you haven't just had too much coffee again?
I think it's more cosmic than caffeine, Scully. It warns me that rebellious impulses are high, that I might say things I regret - probably via an ill-advised text to Skinner.
Is that why your phone’s vibrating nonstop? Who are you texting this time - Frohike? Krycek?
Regret, Scully, that's the operative word. But only if I try to suppress the transformation. The stars say pain becomes poetry today. It’s almost Shakespearean - like the time I tried to write that report on the black oil incident in iambic pentameter.
I remember that. Our supervisor did not appreciate the creative liberties. Are you sure your horoscope isn’t just encouraging you to get in trouble - again?
Trouble is just another word for transformation, Scully. Lunar influence is strong - the horoscope practically dares me not to burn anything down. You can't tell me that doesn't sound like a warning from the universe itself.
Or a warning from our building’s fire marshal. Maybe just try to keep the good vibes going and leave the poetry - and the fires - in the realm of the hypothetical, Mulder.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Mulder, did you really just say the universe is both question and prayer? Are you quoting Pascal or has your midnight snack reading taken another strange turn?
Not Pascal, Scully. It's my horoscope. It says today I'm supposed to embrace bold freedom, maybe even be a little rebellious. And apparently my brain is a meme factory - so if I text you a cryptic message about flying fish or questionable aliens, don't be alarmed.
Mulder, I already get enough of your cryptic texts. Usually at 2 AM. Let me guess, this also explains the singe marks in the office? Did you try to prove something about pyrokinesis again in the name of freedom?
Scully, relax. The horoscope said 'try not to burn anything down.' I took precautions this time. Besides, the last time we encountered actual spontaneous combustion, it wasn't my fault at all.
So your boldness doesn't have to result in fire hazards. Good. But why does the horoscope give you permission to blame all your questionable decisions on cosmic alignment? Should I be worried about my apartment if your rebellious urges spill into your home life?
Scully, think of it as inspiration. The universe sails on the wings of Pisces and Sagittarius today - faith and imagination. Besides, the last time my 'rebellious urges' got me in trouble at home, it was for chasing an invisible entity in my living room. No regrets, just... good vibes.
You know, Mulder, good vibes are one thing. But if you start texting me conspiracy memes, I'll be forced to respond with cold, hard scientific rebuttals. As for burning things down, just keep the flammable evidence to a minimum.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Scully, I don't know if it's the lunar influence or just an abundance of caffeine, but my horoscope said my brain is basically a meme factory today. I think that means I should trust my instincts, even if they're a bit out there.
Mulder, are you honestly making life decisions based on an app notification? I can't see how the moon affecting Pisces would explain a sudden urge to text me conspiracy theories at three in the morning.
It specifically warned me about regretting my messages, Scully. Maybe it's a sign to hold back on explaining how Skinner might actually be a government-organized decoy - or maybe not. Maybe today is about letting go of structure, surrendering to the unknown.
Or maybe you should consider the consequences before acting on your most rebellious urges. I hope that warning not to burn anything down isn’t literal.
No promises. The horoscope did say 'good vibes only,' unless someone kills my buzz. I assume that's code for you debunking all my fun with rational explanations.
If 'good vibes' means you spinning wild theories after reading the stars, Mulder, then I guess I'm here to humbly provide the structure. Even if that means softening your edges when mystery takes over.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Scully, do you ever get the feeling that today the universe wants us to break all the rules? My horoscope just said something about radical ideas lighting my soul and rebellious urges being especially strong right now.
Mulder, are you really letting your day be dictated by a horoscope? What exactly does it say you’re supposed to do? Revolt against the Bureau’s coffee policy?
Not just coffee, Scully - everything! It’s cosmic. It specifically warns me not to burn anything down, so as long as nothing accidentally gets torched, I’m in the clear. Apparently, texts will be sent and regrets may follow. But my brain is apparently a meme factory today.
I’m not sure what a meme factory is, but if it means you’re about to send out conspiracy theories by text message, I’d advise some restraint. What about your values and resources, Mulder? Are you going to blow your savings on another regression hypnosis session?
Maybe I’ll just invest in a stash of sunflower seeds, Scully. But look, the lunar influence is Pisces whispering to Aquarius - mystic meets visionary. That’s practically describing us! Imagine what we could uncover if you’d listen to the whispers rather than just the facts.
Mulder, I’ll listen to your whispers as long as you promise not to let any enthusiastic Aquarian vision lead you onto the roof to chat with sentient machines - or text the entire building about shadowy cabals. Just remember: good vibes only, unless someone kills your buzz.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You seem oddly energized this morning, Mulder. Did you ingest too much coffee, or is this just your usual brand of optimism?
Actually, Scully, it's something bigger. According to my horoscope, I'm practically radiating mystic energy right now. My brain is a meme factory - imagine the creative potential!
A meme factory, Mulder? Are you sure you didn't just read that as "mean factory"? Sometimes your texts are hard to decipher.
No, Scully, I'm serious. The cosmic vibes say I'll be sending brilliant messages all day. Though, apparently, regret may follow. I suppose I should apologize preemptively for any cryptic midnight texts. Provided, of course, they don't involve time-traveling tattooed souls or talking tattoo ink.
Maybe you should channel your mystic energy into our current case, instead of sending regrettable messages. Good vibes only, right?
That's what the stars said, Scully. Unless someone kills my buzz. Think about it - every time we've uncovered a veil, reality's dissolved a little, like that time in Philadelphia. Maybe today, I finally connect with the source, whatever that means. Maybe I'll become whole and shimmering.
Just as long as "whole and shimmering" doesn't lead to another spontaneous trip to a psychic in the middle of nowhere, Mulder. I'll try not to kill your cosmic buzz, but you might have to do your own paperwork if you try astral projection during working hours.