Aries
March 21 - April 19
Mulder, why are you grinning at your phone like that? Did Skinner finally approve your vacation request?
Not quite, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently I’m meant to embrace some rebellious urges today. Courageous steps, lunar influences, maybe a little pyromania - figuratively, I hope.
I assume the horoscope didn't specifically warn you against violating Bureau protocol. Or did it just use more poetic language?
It actually told me not to burn anything down. Which could be a sign I should keep my incendiary theories to myself at the next briefing - or maybe keep Krycek away from any gas cans.
At least one of you needs to stay away from open flames. And you realize horoscopes are designed to be vague enough that anyone thinks it applies to them, right?
Except it specifically said I’d be drawn to someone problematic, Scully. If that doesn’t sum up my luck with informants - and possibly romantic interests - I don’t know what does.
Mulder, are you sure the stars aren’t just trolling you? Or maybe it’s another government mind control experiment. You have to admit, if the cosmos is pulling your strings, that would at least explain your taste in partners.
Maybe, but apparently I’m supposed to seek adventure and chase meaning, just like Sagittarius riding with Aries fire. Honestly, it sounds like our job description, Scully.
If your idea of spiritual fulfillment involves another trip to a remote farmhouse with a suspect weather pattern and questionable company, I’m driving. And bringing the fire extinguisher.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, what’s that look for? You’ve been staring at your phone like it’s beaming you top secret Martian codes.
No, Scully, but I just read my horoscope, and it’s uncanny. It says enduring calm defines my rhythm, and – get this – I’ll be drawn to someone problematic. Isn’t that poetic justice?
Problematic people, Mulder? Maybe your horoscope just knows your taste in informants. Or maybe it’s making a comment on your ability to socialize with anyone who doesn’t have classified documents.
It’s not just that. Apparently rebellious urges are strong, but I’m supposed to refrain from burning things down. Which, considering our last brush with the Syndicate, seems like cosmic advice. Think I should skip meeting with Skinner today?
Skinner’s office is still standing after years of your 'rebellious urges', Mulder. I doubt your horoscope had him in mind. Unless you’re planning to take a flamethrower to the bureaucracy.
Maybe Sagittarius nudging Taurus means I should try yoga instead of shadowing questionable government contractors. Stretching my stillness. Or is it stilling my stretch? All I know is, these roots of mine like to wander – especially when a conspiracy’s involved.
That just sounds like poetic justification for your chronic lack of sleep and tendency to be wherever trouble is by midnight. Let me know when your lunar influence brings you calm for more than five minutes.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You're awfully quiet over there, Mulder. What are you looking at with that furrowed brow? Another classified document?
Far more revelatory, Scully. My horoscope says, and I quote, that a whirlwind of wit defines me, and I’m destined to be attracted to someone problematic. Story of my life, huh? Especially since it’s apparently going to ignite some career ambitions today.
Mulder, horoscopes are written so vaguely that anyone could see themselves in them. Besides, you can't possibly believe that the arrangement of stars is shaping your so-called rebellious urges.
Scully, you were there the night I almost torched that medical records room because the answers were locked away. Maybe the cosmos is speaking louder than you give it credit for. Besides, Sagittarius echoes Gemini - or so says the lunar influence. Maybe my curiosity is actually a pilgrimage for truth.
So you're blaming your questionable decision-making on planetary motion now? Mulder, I'm starting to think you might have a selective memory when it comes to the definition of scientific inquiry.
You say planetary motion, I say cosmic encouragement. Also, perhaps this is a sign that my beliefs are about to be tested again. Remember how that turned out last time, with the Pentagon and those inconveniently missing files?
Let’s just agree that if you’re going to follow your horoscope’s advice, try not to set anything or anyone on fire. My faith in your career surviving another incident like that is... well, let's say it's less than astronomical.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like that? Another mysterious text from an informant?
Scully, this isn’t just any text, it’s my horoscope. Apparently, deep empathy is going to shape my course today. Makes sense, considering I spent last night empathizing with a sentient sewage creature in Newark.
Mulder, I don’t see why you keep letting random horoscopes dictate your emotional state. You do remember how ‘deep empathy’ led to you almost joining that cult in Virginia?
But listen, it goes deeper! My rebellious urges are supposed to be strong, and I’m being warned not to burn anything down - metaphorically, or literally, I’d guess. I’m telling you, Scully, this proves my inner transformation is in full swing.
Inner transformation or not, I’d prefer you not light anything on fire in the basement. This is the same horoscope that’s also warning you about being attracted to trouble, right? Because that is, indeed, the story of your life.
Exactly! I mean, it says I’ll be drawn toward someone problematic. How many times have I followed that path - from vampires in Wisconsin to shadowy figures with questionable motives? It’s just part of my beliefs and learning process.
Beliefs and learning, Mulder? Or patterns you’re unwilling to break for the sake of the truth, even when the truth threatens to set something on fire - again, metaphorically or literally.
Scully, the horoscope even mentions a lunar influence - Sagittarius and Cancer finding common ground. That means embracing freedom in the safety of sanctuary. Heart and journey, joined together. I think that describes us, don’t you?
If that’s the case, Mulder, then maybe the universe is telling you to keep your heart and your theories grounded - at least until you can prove them with more than just astrology.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You look unusually chipper, Mulder. What's got you so fired up this morning?
You know, Scully, sometimes the universe sends you a sign. My horoscope says my dramatic flair is fueling my path today. I think we both know what that means.
Mulder, if by that you mean you're planning on another impromptu cross-country road trip in pursuit of little green men, I'm going to need something more than a horoscope to justify the paperwork.
That's just it - rebellious urges are strong right now. I feel like the cosmos wants me to question authority, maybe even make a few waves... and, apparently, avoid burning anything down. I promise to be careful with open flames around the evidence locker.
Forgive me if I don’t base our investigation strategy on lunar influences. But I suppose you see this as another chance for a 'visionary leader' to arise?
Sagittarius amplifies Leo’s fire, Scully. Visionary leadership is in the air. Our legacy could be joy instead of just piles of unsolved case files. Besides, the horoscope said I'd be drawn to someone problematic, and you’re here, aren’t you?
If by ‘problematic’ you mean someone who insists on fact-checking your theories, then guilty as charged. But don’t conflate cosmic drama with actual evidence, Mulder. Not everyone gets to rewrite the rules because of the stars.
Still, it all comes down to transformation, Scully - inner change. Maybe that’s what happened after I found that file in my office, or when we saw those lights in the sky over Bellefleur. Something keeps pushing us, even if it’s just solar flares or lunar tides.
Or maybe it’s just your relentless need to find meaning, with or without help from celestial bodies. Don’t worry - I’ll keep the fire extinguisher handy.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, why are you reorganizing your desk like you're prepping for a lunar landing?
Because, Scully, today is no ordinary day. My horoscope says that order is important, but I'm also supposed to be feeling rebellious. It's like I'm meant to challenge the system, but do it alphabetically.
I see. And here I thought the FBI would appreciate you not setting the office on fire. Did your horoscope mention anything about following actual protocol for once?
Actually, it warned me not to burn anything down. Apparently my rebellious urges are strong - probably as strong as when I put that X in the window for Deep Throat to find.
Mulder, if your new 'lunar influence' turns into arson, I’m calling Skinner myself.
Don’t worry, Scully. It also says learning becomes service, and truth gets a compass. I feel inspired to use my relentless pursuit of answers for the forces of good.
Does your relentless pursuit involve being attracted to someone problematic? Because that seems to be a recurring motif in your life choices.
You sound just like my horoscope - critical but accurate. Maybe I just have a knack for finding danger - whether it's in relationships or chasing shapeshifters through cornfields.
Or maybe you just like inviting chaos into your routine, no astrology required.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, you look unusually cheerful this morning. Did you finally get some sleep, or is it something else?
Scully, it's the stars. According to my horoscope, I'm surrounded by harmonious vibes today - finally, the universe is working with me instead of against me.
I’m not convinced that’s any different from the last time you claimed cosmic alignment, which ended with a night in a haunted prison.
This is different. It says I’ll be attracted to someone problematic - sound familiar? It’s the story of my life. Maybe today I’ll cross paths with someone even more complicated than our usual suspects. Maybe a government informant with a penchant for riddles.
Mulder, the only thing problematic here is your unshakeable belief in cryptic newspaper columns. And you’re not exactly one to avoid the rebellious urge.
Hey, it literally says my rebellious urges will be strong and warns me not to burn anything down. With everything we’ve been through, you’d think the stars know about my creative approach to field work. Remember when I set off those fire alarms to get access to the secure floor?
Yes, but it never mentioned anything about moon phases excusing arson. If your idealism becomes action today, try channeling it into your paperwork rather than your next mad chase.
Scully, the lunar influence is in Sagittarius, stoking my peace-loving Libra nature. Today might be the day love moves past equilibrium. Maybe I’ll finally get through to Skinner without an argument.
I’ll believe that when I see it. But if your horoscope says not to light any fires, I’d appreciate you sticking to metaphysical flames only.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, you've been staring at your phone for ten minutes. Did you find another message from Deep Throat? Or is it those crop circle forums again?
Neither, Scully. I just read my horoscope - hidden forces are meant to light my journey today. It says I should expect rebellious urges and to resist burning anything down, particularly at home. I think the universe is telling me I'm onto something big. Maybe the truth really is out there... in my kitchen.
Hidden forces, Mulder? I hope you aren't talking about that invisible poltergeist you once tried to catch in your apartment. Unless you're planning to start a fire with your microwave again, I would hardly call your home life 'at risk.'
You laugh, Scully, but Sagittarius illuminates Scorpio right now. Shadows being exposed to the light - it’s a cosmic sign. Maybe that's why I keep attracting problematic people. I mean, remember when I couldn't stop following leads on certain shapeshifting informants? This horoscope says it's the story of my life - alluring trouble.
Or perhaps it's just your habit of ignoring warnings and trusting the mysterious and questionable. Mulder, your creative pursuits don't need astrological justification for getting you into trouble. If you end up with another burnt report on my desk, I'm blaming Jupiter.
Jupiter’s just the messenger, Scully. Transformation is never easy when the lunar influence sets everything aglow, especially in the shadows. But you have to admit, sometimes confronting darkness shows us what's really hiding in plain sight. Even if it does leave a little smoke damage.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You seem unusually chipper this morning, Mulder. I hope it’s not because you read another one of those horoscopes.
Actually, Scully, I did. And get this: it says a wild heart marks my day. Isn’t that fascinating? Rebellious urges are strong. Maybe I’m finally going to find the proof I’ve been looking for. The truth is out there - for fiery hearts, apparently.
A wild heart, Mulder? Does that mean you’re going to throw caution completely to the wind? I’d suggest refraining from literally burning anything down in the process.
It’s not a warning, Scully - it’s a sign. It even said my communication might be, well... more passionate than usual. I hope you’re prepared for that. Maybe that means I’ll finally get through to Skinner about the black oil, or at least get him to believe my theory about the bees.
Knowing you, Mulder, your definition of ‘problematic’ tends to involve individuals with either criminal records or a fondness for alien conspiracies. The horoscope’s ‘attraction’ warning rings particularly true for you.
There’s something poetic about it, Scully. When Sagittarius meets itself, the horizon stretches. Makes me think of all the times we’ve found ourselves facing the unknown. Truth as both mirror and map - that’s basically been my mantra since you walked into my basement office.
Are you sure the stars aren’t simply reminding you to get some sleep and maybe call your landlord before your apartment gets any stranger? I’d hate for your ‘wild heart’ to saturate your home life with more chaos than necessary.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Mulder, you’re staring at your phone like you’ve just uncovered evidence of alien life. What is it now?
Scully, it’s my horoscope. Listen to this: ’Resolute strength drives your spirit. Rebellious urges are strong. Try not to burn anything down.’ It’s like it was written about me specifically. I mean, the government practically expects me to rebel at this point.
Your spirit certainly is something, Mulder, but tell me - do you classify ‘resolve’ as breaking into people’s houses or more like the time you nearly set fire to that evidence locker by accident?
All part of my values and resources, Scully. Sometimes the truth requires a little singeing at the edges. Besides, it says I’ll be drawn to someone problematic. Remind you of anyone?
Problematic is one word for you, Mulder. And I wouldn’t call your communication style ‘attraction.’ More like ‘collision course.’
Ah, but the lunar influence! Sagittarius softening Capricorn’s climb. Laughter joins labor, so if we just keep joking about liver-eating mutants and flukemen, apparently our sacred journey will be more enjoyable.
If this journey gets any more sacred, I’m requesting hazard pay. Or at least a written statement that your rebellious urges won’t include setting my autopsy lab on fire again.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You seem unusually energized, Mulder. Did you switch to espresso or just get abducted again?
Neither, Scully. I just read my horoscope. According to it, visionary vibes are fueling my spirit, and I’m on the verge of some major personal innovation. It literally says rebellion and freedom are coursing through me.
Visionary vibes? Mulder, that sounds suspiciously like what you said before we ended up running through the woods in Oregon chasing unidentified lights.
But, Scully, hear me out. Sagittarius meets Aquarius - freedom and innovation converging. It’s practically a cosmic alignment priming me to break new ground. I might even solve the riddle of our next case before we get there. If you think about it, doesn't that remind you of how we pieced together those clues from the shadowy government figures - always one step ahead?
Mulder, you’re always one step ahead of something, usually your own better judgment. What about the warning not to burn anything down? Are you planning to torch the rules of physics entirely this week?
I can't help it, Scully, the rebellious urge is strong. Maybe it's just who I am, always resisting the system. The horoscope even warned I'd be attracted to someone problematic. Story of my life, right? Every time I try to follow protocol, I find myself entangled with cigarette-smoking men or telepathic assassins.
Or maybe you just like trouble and the horoscope is feeding your confirmation bias. By the way, what does it say about resources? Should I be locking my desk drawers tonight?
On the contrary - it says all of this especially affects my values and resources. Maybe we’ll uncover something valuable on the next investigation - a truth hidden beneath layers of lies. Or, at the very least, I’ll find the stapler you keep hiding from me.
If a horoscope is your guiding star, Mulder, I just hope the next lunar influence involves a little pragmatism. But I’ll keep the fire extinguisher close - just in case your rebellious vibes get too literal.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Scully, you'll never guess what my horoscope said today. Apparently, 'ethereal dreams will lift my course.' It’s almost as if someone’s predicting I’ll stumble onto another case that blurs the line between reality and the subconscious. Familiar, isn’t it?
Mulder, you do realize these horoscopes are intentionally vague? You could interpret 'ethereal dreams' as anything from sleepwalking to another one of your classic conspiracy theories.
But that's not all. It also warns me not to burn anything down despite 'rebellious urges.' Makes you think, doesn't it? Last time we followed my instincts, we almost took down an entire section of the Pentagon’s basement.
Which is exactly why you should exercise a little caution. Or maybe, just maybe, not let astrological advice dictate federal investigative procedure.
It also predicts I’ll be drawn to someone problematic. Story of my life, Scully. But tell me - do you really believe all our encounters are just chance? I mean, the lunar influence today says faith walks and hope flies. Maybe we’re meant to discover the divine together - through exploration.
If by 'divine discovery' you mean being knee-deep in mud somewhere in the Pacific Northwest or confronting another shapeshifter, I’d rather put my faith in solid evidence and standard procedure. Hope can fly all it wants, Mulder, but I’m keeping my feet on the ground.