Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, have you ever considered that an unstoppable zeal might be the universe's way of giving you a nudge toward the truth? According to my horoscope, my spirit is, and I quote, 'lit.'
Mulder, your spirit is always 'lit.' Half the time I think it's coffee, not cosmic forces. What brought this on now?
There's disruptive Aries energy at play. Apparently, it's why our progress on certain cases always feels... inconsistent. Maybe that's why Tooms kept slipping through our fingers. Erratic energy, Scully. It's practically astrological interference.
Or maybe Tooms just had an uncanny way of squeezing through air vents. Mulder, horoscopes can’t explain away a lack of hard evidence - or supernatural digestion habits.
But if I channel these sudden impulses into innovative solutions, I might crack the next big case. It says this will affect my social connections, too - so if I start networking with more, let's call them, 'eccentrics,' don't be surprised.
You mean more conspiracy theorists who think government satellites make their teeth vibrate? That's your idea of harmonious alignment?
Harmonious alignment of will and emotion, Scully. That’s how authentic self-expression thrives. Creative endeavors might flourish. Maybe I’ll write that monograph on alien gene splicing after all.
As long as you’re aware that cardinal water is supposed to 'douse your fire.' According to your cosmic forecast, emotions should temper your impulses. I can only assume you’ll take a more patient approach to family matters - you know, like not racing off in the middle of the night to chase down alleged flukemen.
That’s the plan, Scully. Maybe I’ll channel all this cosmic energy into finally fixing my apartment ceiling...or defending my goldfish against supernatural forces.
If you spend even half that zeal protecting your goldfish, Mulder, they’ll be the safest pets in D.C. Just promise me you’ll consult me before letting your horoscope dictate our next case.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Scully, did you ever consider the idea that the alignment of Venus-ruled signs could indicate a significant transformation in a person’s life? According to what I just read, my patience is about to be tested, and my eloquence is apparently at an all-time high. Maybe that’s the cosmic reason I keep being assigned to negotiate with Skinner.
Mulder, you’re not actually attributing your latest argument with Skinner to planetary movements, are you? I’d argue your eloquence hasn’t always produced favorable outcomes.
Come on, Scully. It says my emotional generosity is about to bring us closer to people, bridging connections - even beyond the usual suspects. Perhaps this is exactly the benevolent influence that will help us gain the trust of our next contact. My approach, warm yet persuasive, could be what turns our next wild lead into concrete evidence.
Or, Mulder, it could just be that listening and basic human decency are more important than planetary positions. I’ll believe your communication style has changed when you manage not to spook our witnesses before I get to ask my questions.
Well, if the horoscope is right, this Venus influence is also supposed to bring out our nurturing side. Maybe this means we should focus our efforts on practical comforts - like finally sorting out those overflowing filing cabinets or, dare I say, adding a fern to the office.
I think there are limits to what a houseplant can do to erase the existential dread of this job, Mulder. But if it motivates you to try home decorating and not just chase little green men, I suppose I can’t object.
Scully, I’m telling you, a little lunar influence never hurt anyone. Maybe it’s time we let the cosmos guide us - just a little. Can you imagine what practical care and sensual comforts could do for our morale after the last time we had to camp out in that abandoned house in the middle of nowhere?
Let’s just try to survive the week without another unsanctioned road trip, Mulder. If you feel compelled to nurture something, go ahead and water that dying ficus in the corner. It’s been through almost as much as we have.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You seem unusually optimistic today, Mulder. Care to share what’s going on?
You know, Scully, I just read my horoscope and it says my nimble intellect is about to light the way. Apparently, my eloquence will enhance all my interactions today. That must explain why I negotiated that coffee out of Skinner so easily this morning.
Your horoscope told you that? If that’s all it takes to get you motivated, maybe I should start printing them out for you every week. Or did you forget that intellect should be paired with actual evidence?
Maybe, but it specifically mentioned that this combination is great for negotiators. I think the Bureau could use a little more of my ‘graceful combination’ - especially since my career ambitions are apparently about to get a cosmic boost. Who knows, Scully, maybe we’ll finally get that basement re-carpeted.
If the universe is handing out promotions based on horoscopes, I want to talk to its supervisor. Was there anything about cold, hard facts in there, or is the future strictly intuitive now?
Interestingly, it did stress listening to intuition over logic today. Water soaking my airy nature, Scully. So maybe instead of just facts, I should embrace emotional honesty - maybe even tell you how much your skepticism keeps me grounded when I’m tempted to chase supernatural explanations. Or at least, that’s what the stars say.
So, today you want to resolve our cases with empathy and emotional generosity instead of forensics and deduction? Should I start preparing the lie detector, or a group therapy session in the office?
Maybe both. But think about it - last time we trusted the logical path, we ended up following a trail of red herrings and government stooges. Maybe it’s time to lean into the benevolent aspect the universe is offering. Values, resources, maybe even the truth really are out there, Scully. Today, at least, I’m listening to my intuition.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, why do you look like you've just discovered a government conspiracy in your morning coffee?
Scully, the cosmos has spoken to me. It says a wave of care is about to envelop my life. Emotional generosity is my mission directive today - I'm meant to expand interpersonal connections.
Are you telling me your horoscope is encouraging you to be... nicer? Should I be concerned that this is a radical shift in your worldview?
Not just nicer. Hospitable, even. The stars favor teaching, community-building - the kind of activities that bring people together. Maybe I'm supposed to host the next Bureau training session in the basement. Or invite Skinner to a potluck.
You do realize that stars light years away can’t dictate whether your personal expression will be ‘authentic’ or if your next stakeout with me will involve healthy boundaries?
Ah, but Scully, there's a harmonious alignment of will and emotion right now. That means my hunches and my heart are finally working together. You saw how I connected those clues last night - that wasn’t just detective work, that was Cancerian energy in action.
If your ‘Cancerian energy’ brings us any closer to solving the case, I’ll start reading horoscopes, too. But let’s try not to confuse lunar returns with forensic evidence.
That’s where you’re wrong, Scully. The horoscope says a powerful lunar return is heightening my intuition. I’m tuned in - practically psychic. Maybe I’ll sense the next time Krycek sneaks up on us. Or when it’s time for some much-needed self-care. I think I’ll start by not reading post-mortem reports during lunch.
Setting boundaries - now that’s something your horoscope got right. If it keeps you from ordering sunflower seeds with every meal, maybe I’ll start trusting the lunar cycle.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You look unusually cheerful this morning, Mulder. Did you find evidence of aliens hiding in your breakfast cereal?
Better, Scully. I just read my horoscope. Apparently, a golden glow is lifting my spirit. That explains why I feel like I just saw Elvis leaving the building - full of uncontainable energy.
A ‘golden glow’? Are you sure it’s not just the fluorescent lights in this basement? Because I’d hardly call Leo energy scientifically measurable.
But that’s just it. It says Leo energy is erratic right now. So if I’m inconsistent today, it’s basically written in the stars. Plus, I’m supposed to channel my sudden impulses into innovative solutions. Imagine the breakthroughs, Scully. Maybe even finally proving that the government is hiding more than just bad cafeteria food.
Or maybe it means you’ll come up with a more convoluted explanation than usual. How exactly do your erratic impulses help our case today - by teaching the suspect to communicate through crop circles?
No, this time I’m harnessing my creative fire with deep feeling. Water nourishing the flame, Scully. Maybe I’ll paint what I see. Interpret a few dreams. Teach the local sheriff’s kid about the importance of keeping their eyes open for flying saucers.
So this horoscope’s telling you to turn our investigation into an art class while mentoring minors on extraterrestrial life?
I am supposed to lead with warmth and authority. Maybe that’s what my work with Gibson Praise was all about. Anyway, harmonious alignment of will and emotion is the order of the day. My self-expression could tip our investigation in the right direction.
Mulder, your self-expression usually means talking to yourself and getting me involved in some half-baked theory. Does your horoscope mention anything about evidence, or is it still stuck at vague metaphors?
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You seem unusually upbeat today, Mulder. Find something interesting in the morning paper?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope. It says a clear path defines my rhythm and that eloquent expression will be my superpower today. Which, I have to say, could make our interactions with Skinner a lot smoother - for once.
Are you seriously letting an astrology column define how your day will go? Or are you just looking for excuses to grandstand in front of the assistant director again?
It specifically mentions negotiators and writers benefiting, Scully. That could be me and you. Plus, if my emotional generosity is expanding my interpersonal connections, maybe it’ll finally get you to admit I’m right about the possibility of extraterrestrial influence in high government.
The only thing expanding around here is your imagination. Did your horoscope suggest you should focus on social connections before or after its advice about lunar influences and practical care?
Funny you mention that - the lunar influence is supposed to highlight health routines and emotional wellness. So maybe we should investigate the strange behavior at the hospital with the nurse who claims to have prophetic dreams. Purely for my emotional wellness, of course.
So if I understand you, we're supposed to be hospitable, teach the truth, build communities, care for others, and nurture ourselves - all in the name of cosmic influence? And you think that's what will solve our next case?
Scully, maybe the truth really is out there, but today, according to the stars, it’s best found when we’re open, generous, and just a little bit lunar.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, you look unusually upbeat. Did you finally crack that weird energy pattern in the basement files?
Not quite, Scully, but something even more intriguing happened. My horoscope says I have a charming glow lifting my path today. Apparently, I'm destined to express myself eloquently - and it's going to enhance all my social and professional interactions. The universe might finally appreciate my slide projector presentations.
You're seriously taking career advice from an astrological forecast? Mulder, that's even less empirical than your theory about killer fungus spores last month.
It's not just advice, Scully. It's practically a directive from the cosmos. Emotional generosity is supposed to help me expand my interpersonal connections. I guess that means you'll finally accept my lunch invitations without suspicion.
If that's the case, should I be expecting you to take over the break room and start leading a kindness cult for the other agents?
My horoscope specifically mentions hospitality and community-building. Maybe I should host a bureau potluck. We could even invite Skinner, if you think he wouldn't confiscate my sunflower seeds again.
Mulder, before you start planning your diplomatic summit over canned chili, maybe consider this: your horoscope also says domestic harmony is essential. Have you reconciled with your landlord yet, or are you still ignoring that water leak in your apartment?
Hey, I've got career ambitions to focus on - although apparently achieving domestic harmony is the true mystery. Balancing personal needs and family obligations does feel like chasing something just out of reach. If only the lunar influence had intervened before my sister disappeared.
I think your charm might be better spent deriving actionable leads. But if you start glowing in the dark, I'll definitely notify the lab.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
You look awfully contemplative, Mulder. What's on your mind now?
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and I think it's giving us some clues. Apparently, mysterious vibes are shaping my path today. That practically screams, "Trust the unexplained."
Mulder, you can't actually believe your day is being influenced by 'mysterious vibes.' Is this like the time you claimed your refrigerator magnets were communicating with you?
No, this is different. It says erratic Scorpio energy is disrupting my progress. That would explain why my attempts to organize the files this morning kept getting sidetracked - first Skinner, then Langley calling about the Lone Gunmen’s latest theory.
Or maybe you just don't like to file paperwork, Mulder. What else does your horoscope tell you?
It says I should channel sudden impulses into innovative solutions to maintain momentum. Maybe that impulse yesterday to use the blacklight on those family photographs wasn't so far-fetched. The answers are in the shadows, Scully.
Or maybe it's just dust. How exactly is this supposed to affect your home life?
It says there's a transformative family healing starting now. If that means Mom actually returns my calls, I’ll believe in astrology for life.
And what about your so-called 'psychic impressions'? Don’t tell me you’re getting messages from Arthur Dales again.
Water signs are intensifying my emotional depth today, Scully. My intuition is off the charts. You should see the notes I took - it's almost like I’m channeling something otherworldly. Eloquent expression, it says, benefits negotiators, writers, and public relations specialists. Clearly, the universe wants me to start writing that book.
Or maybe you just need to focus, Mulder. But if your horoscope ever mentions actual evidence, let me know. Until then, it's science over star signs for me.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Mulder, you’ve been staring at your phone and grinning for at least five minutes. Should I be worried, or is this just another alien abduction theory?
Scully, it’s not aliens this time - unless you count celestial alignment. My horoscope says a 'joyful spark' is lifting my way. Apparently, I’m about to undergo an inner transformation - doesn’t that sound almost paranormal?
Mulder, are you really telling me you believe your personality is about to be altered because today’s planetary arrangement favors ‘integrated Sagittarius energy’?
I know it sounds far-fetched, Scully, but did you ever notice strange things seem to happen when forces align - whether it’s the lunar phases or just weird government conspiracies? This benevolent aspect could enhance my emotional generosity; maybe I should teach a seminar or throw a barbecue for the Lone Gunmen. Hospitality, teaching - my horoscope insists it’s all favored.
You realize community-building rarely involves deep-state secrets, right, Mulder? And how exactly do you plan to facilitate ‘authentic self-expression’ - by chasing after cryptids in Central Park again?
Actually, I was thinking more about exploring my roots, as suggested by today’s lunar influence. The horoscope recommends adventure from home base - maybe I’ll finally dig up those family documents my dad always kept hidden. Or study that old Kant philosophy book. It’s all about finding the truth beneath the surface, Scully.
Why does this always lead you back to a personal mystery? Exploring cultural roots doesn’t mean rewriting your entire history, Mulder. Sometimes, adventure is just taking a vacation, not uncovering a shadowy plot.
Maybe, but if this ‘harmonious alignment of will and emotion’ finally lets me paint that terrible portrait of you I keep sketching, that’s a creative breakthrough, isn’t it? Besides, haven’t you ever felt like the universe was giving you a nudge?
I prefer to rely on observable evidence, not cosmic encouragement, Mulder. But if it keeps your self-expression off the office walls, you have my support… and my skepticism.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Scully, I was reading my horoscope this morning. It says, and I quote, 'disciplined focus lights your way.' I take that as a sign that my approach on this investigation is finally being validated, don't you?
Mulder, a horoscope isn’t exactly the most reliable blueprint for decision making. What makes you think your recent obsession with focus is anything but your usual tunnel vision?
But listen - there’s more. It warns of 'erratic Capricorn energy.' You remember the last time we dealt with erratic energy, right? Like Skinner assigning us to that all-night stakeout - or when Krycek suddenly showed up with that artifact. I’m telling you, warning signs like these are rarely coincidental.
So your sign having a bad week is the reason for unexplained events and setbacks now? Maybe you should consider factors other than cosmic goats causing chaos with your files.
Not just goats, Scully. The horoscope says to channel 'sudden impulses into innovative solutions.' Maybe our breakthroughs come from following hunches… like when I suggested checking the sewer system for unusual residues last month. And look how that turned out.
The byproduct of that impulsive idea was pneumonia for both of us. Are you sure your horoscope isn’t encouraging you to be reckless instead of innovative?
It also claims eloquent expression will enhance social and professional interactions. I guess that means I should probably be more diplomatic the next time I confront the Smoking Man at a conference table. Maybe my passionate tirades are finally coming into fashion, Scully.
Or maybe you could just stop antagonizing everyone in the Bureau. That might improve your professional relationships a little more than celestial advice.
You know, it mentioned something about communication style affecting negotiators and writers. That could change the game for us, Scully. I might start adding a little grace to my reports. Maybe then the higher-ups won’t redline every page.
Graceful reports or not, they’ll still have to parse your leaps of logic. And what’s this lunar influence? Are you tying your ambitions to the moon now?
The horoscope says emotional security bolsters ambition and that career decisions should consider family impact. Maybe that’s why I always call my sister on the anniversary of her disappearance, no matter where we are. It keeps me grounded.
Or maybe it’s just that family matters, regardless of what phase the moon is in. Mulder, perhaps you should trust your instincts - and the evidence - more than whatever’s printed next to yesterday’s crossword.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
You seem particularly contemplative today, Mulder. Something on your mind?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope and it was uncannily specific. Apparently, my 'rebel thoughts' are supposed to steer my steps today. That could mean I’m finally on the right track with my latest theory about government cover-ups - or maybe just thinking of switching to a new brand of sunflower seeds.
Mulder, I hope you're not planning to take actual advice from an astrology column again. You know those can be interpreted any way you want.
Hear me out, Scully. The horoscope said 'erratic Aquarius energy' could disrupt my progress, unless I channel my impulses into innovative solutions. That sounds like the universe telling me not to ignore my gut when it comes to sudden insights - like that time I insisted there was something off about those bees.
Mulder, even your 'gut feelings' are usually backed up by some questionable evidence. You might want to stick with hard facts and not let astrological influences dictate the direction of our investigations.
But Scully, the stars say this will especially affect my personal expression. I should be more eloquent today to improve our interactions, socially and professionally. Maybe it means I’ll finally convince Skinner to believe me on the werewolf reports.
Or it could just mean you should double-check your evidence before making another passionate plea in front of the bureau. Charming words aren't always enough.
There's more. With this 'Lunar Influence,' I’m supposed to blend humanitarian instincts with traditional nurturing. Maybe that’s a sign we need to check in on the Lone Gunmen or look into that support group linked to the disappearances - it appeals to the community. Balance innovation with emotional needs, Scully.
If by 'balancing innovation with emotional needs' you mean actually getting some rest instead of chasing alien hybrids at 3 a.m., I fully support your horoscope's advice.
You might have a point. But if the rebels in my head start steering us towards the truth, promise me you’ll at least hear me out before you call it erratic Aquarius energy.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, you look unusually chipper today. Did you discover some new evidence for little green men?
Not little green men this time, Scully. My horoscope says that soft tides are steering my journey and that it's an excellent time for emotional generosity and creative pursuits. I think the universe is trying to tell me something.
So, you’re basing your current outlook on advice from the stars? Mulder, you realize that horoscopes are generalized statements meant to apply to anyone, right?
But isn’t it strange, Scully, that just as my horoscope says that my eloquence will enhance my interactions, Skinner calls us in to negotiate with that rather hostile witness? I think the celestial bodies might be onto something.
Or it could simply be a coincidence, Mulder. I doubt planetary alignments have any bearing on your ability to question a hostile witness. Unless Mars was in retrograde during the time we investigated those lunar cultists.
This isn’t about retrogrades, Scully. It’s about the watery symphony of sensitivity I’m supposed to be experiencing. Maybe if we approached our next case with a little more compassion and artistic flair, we’d connect the dots differently. You remember that time we solved a case when I tried automatic writing? Maybe the stars are telling me to try that again.
Compassion is an admirable trait, Mulder. But I think maintaining boundaries while staying open is just basic psychology, not a lunar influence. And please don’t start automatic writing in front of the FBI’s legal counsel again.
What can I say, Scully? Maybe Agent Spooky has got a little cosmic help today. Or maybe it’s just another day in the office. But don’t say I didn’t warn you if I suddenly start getting unusually persuasive in my reports.