Aries
March 21 - April 19
Mulder, were you just googling why you shouldn't feed cows while standing on electrical fences, or is there some new theory I should be bracing myself for?
You won't believe this, Scully. My horoscope practically told me to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Think about it, a daring spirit, abandoning the endless barrage of bureaucracy, communing with the goats. It's practically prophetic.
You do realize leaving the FBI to raise goats because of a horoscope is a tad impulsive, even for you. Are you sure this 'daring spirit' is your intuition and not just residual effects of that cafeteria coffee?
It's not the caffeine, Scully. It's the lunar influence - the bull and badger sharing a den. Steady breath calms reckless green. That's deep. It’s a sign I should find balance between my dogged pursuit of the truth and some... farmstead tranquility.
Or it's a sign to avoid combining your metaphors. You mentioned emotional wounds. Are you really thinking about old cases, or are you genuinely planning to trade government files for goat manure?
Scully, the horoscope says abundance is flowing, mostly in good vibes and possibly snacks. Maybe I'm searching for healing - the simple life, away from shadowy conspiracies and shapeshifting men. Maybe I’m ready to embrace my inner farmer. Or at least my inner snack enthusiast.
Until you discover the goats are part of some secret experiment. Would you at least promise not to chase any goats into crop circles without supervision?
Deal. But if any of those goats start talking, you’re the first person I’ll call.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You seem uncharacteristically serene today, Mulder. Did you finally stop reading that conspiracy forum, or is this about something else?
Actually, Scully, it's cosmic. According to my horoscope, I have a calm foundation holding me firm. Which is a relief after the kind of week we’ve had. I might not even flinch if a toxic fungus tried to take over my subconscious again.
Fascinating. And you put stock in this? How exactly is a horoscope supposed to remedy your more than ‘old’ emotional wounds?
Well, the stars claim it's time to address them, Scully. Apparently, my personal expression is at risk. I take that as a sign that my quest for the truth needs to be a little more... heartfelt. Maybe I should confront my dad’s choice in neckties after all these years.
Or, possibly, Mulder, you could just talk to a real therapist. Have you considered that route instead of banking on planetary alignments?
But look, abundance is flowing! The horoscope says so. Mostly good vibes, and - crucially - snacks. I did just find a free donut in the break room. Coincidence? Or cosmic intervention?
Snacks aside, I think your social connections might benefit more from personal accountability than lunar prophecies. And are you really taking work advice from this thing?
Actually, yes. It says I might suddenly want to quit everything and become a goat farmer. That’s not so different from chasing down clues in rural Montana, is it? Maybe fresh air and goat milk could help with my unresolved trauma.
Mulder, please tell me you’re not seriously considering resigning from the bureau to become a goat farmer because of a horoscope.
Don’t worry, Scully. Until the bees return and the honeycomb moon swells, you’re stuck with me. But if you see me eyeing a field guide to ruminants, you’ll know why.
I’ll make sure to keep an eye on your snack intake and career ambitions. And next time you quote the moon, try not to bring the bees.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, is that another one of your fortune cookies, or are you reading your horoscope again?
Scully, this is serious. According to my horoscope, abundance is flowing and I should prepare for mostly good vibes. And snacks. I think this might finally explain why Frohike sent that care package last week.
You're really basing your outlook on snacks and vibes now? That sounds scientific.
Listen, it gets deeper. Apparently, my career ambitions are about to be turbocharged, and yet, old wounds are clawing at my spiritual side. It’s like the universe itself wants me to revisit all that trauma from the case in Bellefleur.
A horoscope told you to refresh your resume and revisit your childhood trauma, Mulder. While you’re at it, maybe ask the stars why I keep ending up in morgues at midnight.
It even says I might have the urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Imagine me, Scully - a tranquil life among the goats, truly communing with the unknown. I could swap X-Files for X-treme cheese making.
Mulder, you’d get abducted by the goats within a week. Besides, I can’t see you giving up aliens for livestock without investigating their ancestry first.
Ah, but under the lunar influence - listen to this, Scully: cicada song stitches the noon heat, and words hum where meaning falters. That’s practically begging for a field investigation. Have you ever heard cicadas sound like encrypted messages?
Mulder, if cicadas start spelling out your horoscope, I’ll call Skinner myself. And for the record, I draw the line at crop circles made of goat tracks.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, why are you staring at that horoscope like you’ve just uncovered a government conspiracy?
Scully, you’ll appreciate that it says here nurturing vibes are enveloping me. Seriously, I think today’s the day to process some old emotional wounds - as if that’s not what we do every week. It’s affecting my social connections. Maybe the Lone Gunmen were right all along.
So you’re letting an astrology app tell you it’s time for group therapy? Since when do you believe in abundance ‘flowing’ as a result of planetary alignment?
It’s not just planetary alignment, Scully, there’s a lunar influence. Frogspawn glowing in the creekbed - ancestral whispers in liquid light. Doesn’t that strike a chord? Remember that time we spent a night by the river in Florida? Those frogs seemed to know things.
That was bioluminescent algae, Mulder. Not some ancestral awakening. And don’t tell me this horoscope is also suggesting you switch careers again?
Funny you should say that. It mentions a sudden urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. You think it’s some kind of sign? Maybe the truth is actually in cheese.
If this leads you to abandon the Bureau for livestock, I want it on record that I tried to intervene. Does the horoscope say anything about snacks, too?
Actually, it does! Something about mostly good vibes and maybe snacks. I’m telling you, Scully, the universe is speaking. Possibly with a plate of nachos in each hand.
Or maybe your horoscope just knows you’re always hungry after a case. I’ll believe in all the glowing frogspawn you want, Mulder, but cheese-fueled enlightenment is a stretch - even for you.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, are you eating sunflower seeds again, or is there an actual reason you keep mentioning bumblebees and goat farming this morning?
Scully, it's cosmic - all signs are pointing to major life changes. My horoscope said an urge may hit me to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Maybe that's what I need. Fresh mountain air, communing with nature, leaving behind old wounds and government conspiracies.
So, you're seriously considering abandoning years of chasing aliens and criminal phenomena for a herd of goats? And where exactly do the bumblebees come in?
They signify steadfastness, Scully. Like the bumblebee ruling the sunflower throne - small but mighty. It’s about embracing the majesty of the mundane. Maybe if I'd followed my horoscope, Donnie Pfaster would have seemed less menacing. Can't ignore the signs. Apparently, emotional wounds from the past are asking to be healed - and with snacks, no less.
Are you sure those wounds aren't just from skipping breakfast? And as for abundance, I assume that's code for the stash of sunflower seeds in your desk.
You can mock, Scully, but every now and then, the universe conspires in your favor. The horoscope says abundance is flowing and transformation is underway. Maybe, just maybe, that's the nudge I need to let go of my obsession and...buy a pair of rubber boots.
You do realize goat farming also requires getting up at dawn - and baldly confronting far more tangible evidence than we usually get, right?
I'm willing to face that evidence... as long as the goats aren't shape-shifters or genetically modified.
Let's agree if you get abducted by bumblebees, I'll come rescue you. Until then, maybe stick to the field reports - and snacks.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, why do you have that faraway look in your eye? Did Skinner send us another assignment?
No, Scully, it's much bigger. I just read my horoscope and it's basically saying the universe is whispering calm order into my life. After the past week, that sounds almost alien.
Mulder, horoscopes aren't exactly a reliable source of guidance. Is that why you’re sitting in lotus position on top of the desk?
It says old emotional wounds need attention. Do you think that could explain why I keep dreaming about the bees? Maybe it's time I confront all those unresolved mysteries.
Or it could be the subconscious effects of caffeine and late nights in this cramped office. What about that part you underlined about snacks?
It's more than just snacks, Scully. The stars say abundance is flowing into my relationships. I think it means we’re due for some good news, perhaps even a box of sunflower seeds larger than the last one.
How convenient. Did the horoscope mention peculiar phenomena or growing goat herds as part of this abundance?
I'm glad you asked. I have this sudden urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Maybe the truth really is out there - in a field, somewhere remote, surrounded by livestock.
Given your track record, I'm more surprised you haven't suggested the goats are secretly transmitting signals to the mothership.
You joke, Scully, but the lunar influence can't be ignored. The horoscope spoke of an antlered doe drinking at dawn, grace and purpose in every sip. It’s a metaphor - you find serenity if you approach your routines differently.
I’ll consider that next time I refill my coffee, Mulder. Until then, I’ll stick to science and forensics. Unless, of course, your goat farm search turns up extraterrestrial evidence.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
You seem uncharacteristically zen this morning, Mulder. Did you finally get a full night’s sleep or did you find another government conspiracy in your coffee grounds?
I just read my horoscope, Scully. Apparently, abundance is flowing my way and I’m supposed to feel at peace. My daily routine is going to improve - maybe that means the snack machine won’t eat my dollar this week.
Mulder, the only abundance you’ve ever gotten from that machine is disappointment. Do you genuinely believe a vague online horoscope is giving you professional advice?
It's not just snacks, Scully. It says old emotional wounds will resurface today. So, if I suddenly look broody and reflective, consider it cosmic, not just another file about little green men.
Every day is an old emotional wound with you, Mulder. Are you sure the stars aren’t just commenting on your unresolved issues with your father?
Possibly. But the horoscope also claims I’ll feel a sudden urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. I think that’s just the creative part of my brain finally fighting back after all those years investigating alien cow mutilations.
If you’re using lunar inspiration as an excuse to go off-grid, I hope you know goats are tougher to interrogate than Skinner. What’s this bit about herons and reeds?
Two herons in the reeds, Scully. Stillness over flight. Maybe it means I should just sit quietly, observe, and trust there’s more to be found in the calm than chasing shadows. Sounds almost... rational, don’t you think?
That would be a first, Mulder. But for today, maybe we can both agree - no chasing goats or herons until you finish your paperwork.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Scully, have you ever felt like there’s a secret fire driving your every move? I was just reading my horoscope, and apparently, I’m running on pure cosmic mystery today.
Let me guess, Mulder. The universe is calling you and you think it actually left a voicemail this time?
Well, maybe. It’s not just any voicemail. It says my old emotional wounds are resurfacing, demanding attention. It’s almost as if I’m being haunted by more than one kind of ghost, like our late-night visitors with unfinished business.
Are you sure it’s not just residual stress from, say, running into that firestarter last month? Maybe you need a break instead of looking for otherworldly explanations for restless feelings.
Or maybe it means my relationships - professional, personal - are affected. Perhaps the trust exercises in our partnership are due for another round. Did you ever consider a haunted psyche might be as real as a haunted house?
I find it hard to believe you’re getting all that from a horoscope, Mulder. What’s next, tea leaves telling you to quit everything and start a goat farm?
Funny you mention it, Scully. The urge to trade in the supernatural for some supernatural goats was surprisingly specific. Maybe it’s just a metaphor for leaving behind all these secrets - starting fresh somewhere with less shadow government influence.
Or maybe it’s just a desire for less paperwork. And what’s this about abundance and snacks? Let me guess, you’re using cosmic abundance as an excuse for that stash of sunflower seeds in your desk?
Abundance is flowing, Scully. Mostly good vibes. Maybe a few snacks. All this lunar influence and the cryptic mention of the black ox digging for hell’s roots - what if we’re only scratching the surface? What we unearth might feed or poison. Didn’t you ever wonder if the roots of our cases go deeper than we thought?
Mulder, the only roots I’m digging for are the ones that lead to facts. But if your horoscope inspires you to refocus on creative pursuits, I suggest you channel it into your next report. Preferably before you start buying goats.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Mulder, why do you keep staring at your phone like that?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and apparently I'm supposed to be radiating optimism and attracting abundance. You might want to keep an eye out for a sudden influx of sunflower seeds, courtesy of my positive energy.
Sunflower seeds? Mulder, that's not exactly the kind of abundance I think they're referring to. Does your horoscope explain how this bounty will materialize, or just that you'll start behaving erratically?
It specifically says snacks, Scully. Listen, it also mentions something about emotional wounds demanding attention, particularly in daily routines. Maybe my penchant for sleeping at my desk is finally catching up with me.
If that's the case, then I’d say your horoscope is overdue by several months. Anything about actual solutions, or just vague warnings mixed with snack references?
It says there's a lunar influence, Scully. Wild boar tusk carves the map - no path exists until you make it. Sounds prophetic. Maybe it means I should carve my own path instead of letting Skinner dictate our assignments.
Or it could just mean you shouldn't read horoscopes after midnight. Besides, last time you tried 'making your own path' we ended up lost in that forest for six hours and nearly got trampled by cattle.
That's funny you mention livestock. My horoscope claims I might be gripped by a sudden urge to become a goat farmer. Frankly, after everything I've seen, herding goats sounds refreshingly straightforward.
Mulder, the closest you’ve come to farming was potted mushrooms in your refrigerator. But if you feel an uncontrollable urge to move to the countryside, let me know - I'd like time to warn the goats.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Mulder, you look contemplative. Did Skinner put you on another cold case, or is something else on your mind?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope this morning and it's telling me my determined calm is going to set the pace today. I think that's pretty accurate, considering how I’m handling the urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer.
A goat farmer, Mulder? That's a new one, even for you. Did your horoscope mention spontaneously moving to the mountains and raising livestock, or was it just a strange craving for goat cheese?
Not just cheese, Scully - resources, values, and a deeper connection to things that... matter. The horoscope says old emotional wounds are demanding attention. Maybe it's time I finally process everything that happened in that cabin in Vermont. Or explain my obsession with sunflower seeds.
Or maybe it’s more about your tendency to fixate on past events and less about cosmic cattle. Do horoscopes usually give you career advice, or just nudge you toward creative midlife crises?
It’s not a crisis if it’s written in the stars, Scully. Besides, it says abundance is flowing - good vibes, maybe even snacks. That has to be a sign that the universe wants me to have a nice piece of pie, or perhaps finally get that 'I Want to Believe' poster framed.
You’re willing to base your career decisions on an abundance of snacks and mystical livestock references? Should I be worried, Mulder, or just stock up the office with granola bars?
It’s deeper than that. The lunar influence is strong today. The yak carries winter’s weight - slow steps, bone-crushing progress. Maybe we can learn something from that, Scully. Sometimes you have to move steadily, crush the past to dust, and take the next step.
Or maybe it’s just the horoscope’s poetic way of saying ‘don’t rush to buy a goat farm, Mulder.’ Let’s focus on our current assignment and leave the livestock to the professionals for now.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, you look unusually contemplative this morning. Everything alright?
Scully, I've just had a revelation. According to my horoscope, my free mind is guiding my course today. Maybe that's why I've got this sudden urge to quit the Bureau and start a new life as a goat farmer.
A goat farmer? Mulder, this is even more far-fetched than that time you tried to convince me crop circles were trying to communicate with us.
Laugh all you want, Scully, but it's written in the cosmic plan. The stars say my personal expression is being affected. I can't ignore that. Maybe tending goats is the key to unlocking my true potential.
Or maybe you just need more sleep. What else is this destiny-driven day supposed to hold for you?
Apparently, old emotional wounds are demanding attention. I suppose even the stars think I haven't worked through all those traumas. I wonder if they're referring to family issues or alien abductions.
It could also be referring to your tendency to bring work home and store evidence in the fridge, Mulder. That affects your home life too.
On the bright side, Scully, my resources and values are apparently blessed with abundance today. The horoscope promises good vibes - and snacks, which I consider a bonus.
So the universe is sending you both emotional upheaval and snacks?
Not just the universe. The lunar influence is in play too. It mentioned an electric eel in a wishing well. Maybe it’s a shock to my system, awakening me, like when the power went out in that coastal town and something very strange crawled out of the water.
I suggest you avoid any actual wishing wells or exotic animals today, Mulder. And maybe just stick to coffee breaks, not goat farming.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, what's got you staring into space with that look on your face? Please tell me you haven't fallen down another rabbit hole.
Not a rabbit hole, Scully - a dreamy tide. According to my horoscope, abundance is flowing, possibly in the form of snacks. It specifically mentions snacks, Scully. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.
A tide of snacks, Mulder? And here I was worrying about budget cuts. What does this have to do with our current investigation?
It goes deeper. My horoscope says old emotional wounds are resurfacing, and it could affect my communication style. That might explain why I've been feeling a little... melodramatic lately. Like that time in Alaska when communication almost got us hypothermia.
Or maybe it’s just cabin fever, Mulder. Or you’re letting your sweet tooth dictate your professional outlook. Should I start watching for sudden mood swings and impromptu therapy sessions?
Keep your eyes peeled, Scully, because the most intriguing part is still ahead. I apparently may feel the urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer - purely for spiritual reasons. Maybe living among goats is the next phase in my search for the truth.
Because spiritual clarity is always found in livestock. Mulder, are you sure you didn't read this in a fortune cookie at that diner with the questionable soup?
It’s lunar influence, Scully. The horoscope mentioned manatees circling a drowned church, and saints singing through my gills. I’m not saying I’m joining a manatee cult, but I think it’s pointing toward the next big mystery.
Let me guess - the snacks are the bait, the goats are the false flag, and the manatees are trying to communicate a government conspiracy through underwater hymnals. Shall I book us two plane tickets to Florida?