Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, have you ever considered that sometimes the universe is trying to give us subtle nudges? Like, say, a horoscope telling me that bold initiatives are exactly what I need today. It's almost uncanny, given some of the evidence we've been chasing.
Mulder, unless the stars have been monitoring our caseload, I doubt they're able to prescribe much besides vague encouragement. What exactly are you planning to do that's so bold - insist on interviewing another invisible suspect?
No, Scully, I'm just saying... the path forward might require us to honor both passion and intuition. Like the time we had to trust the feeling in our guts even when all logic pointed the other way. The horoscope mentioned fire in the belly and water in the heart. What if that's the balance we've been missing with these cases?
So your plan is to let your 'soul's compass' - which I assume is spinning wildly after last night's questionable takeout - direct our investigation? Mulder, you realize feelings are inherently unreliable. As your horoscope charmingly put it, they're as variable as a weathervane in a storm.
Don't anchor in this wind, just observe its patterns. That's what it says, Scully. Sometimes when things are chaotic, maybe we should step back and just watch for a while. You know, like we had to do in that small town with the sudden disappearances. Pattern recognition can be more helpful than brute force.
Or, you could read fewer horoscopes and more forensic reports. But out of curiosity, do you actually buy the part about a Scorpio staring into Aries' flame 'fearlessly'? Are you planning to torch the evidence room now, or just meditate in it?
Transformation, Scully. That's what happens when fire meets depth. Maybe it's a sign that we're on the verge of uncovering something the Bureau's never seen before. And if you see me staring through the evidence room window, just know it's all in the name of astrological research.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You seem rather contemplative this morning, Mulder. Let me guess - another late night poring over government files?
Actually, Scully, I’ve been reflecting on something far more cosmic. I read my horoscope and it’s practically a roadmap for what we’re going through.
Let me guess - mercury is in retrograde and the truth is out there?
Very funny, but no. It said steadfast purpose is driving my journey right now. That my feelings are shifting like a weathervane in a storm. Considering last week we faced a shapeshifter masquerading as Skinner, I’d say it’s eerily accurate. Relationships - ours included - are apparently supposed to hit discordant notes.
Mulder, horoscopes are written to be vague. Of course, emotions fluctuate. That’s called being human, not being guided by lunar influences or cosmic storms.
But, Scully, it said the lunar influence - specifically Scorpio stirring Taurus’ roots - is going to test our stability by revealing the soul’s depth. Doesn’t that sound like what happened in Bellefleur? When we barely understood who to trust, even within ourselves?
Or it could sound like every normal relationship faced with adversity. You’re assigning supernatural meaning to perfectly explainable dynamics. Life’s rich composition, as your horoscope puts it, isn’t orchestrated by the stars.
Maybe, Scully. But maybe sometimes that discord is what helps us find harmony. Like when we finally saw past the smoke screen and realized what we meant to each other - even if the universe seems determined to test us.
Or maybe the universe is simply indifferent, Mulder. But I’ll admit, imperfection often reveals more than perfection ever could. That’s just science - not mysticism.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
You seem unusually upbeat today, Mulder. What's going on?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and I'm telling you, everything makes sense now. Apparently, my mental energy is off the charts - maybe that's why I've been connecting the dots between seemingly unrelated phenomena.
Mulder, your so-called mental energy is probably just the result of too many cups of coffee and sleepless nights staring at case files.
Or maybe it's Lunar Influence, Scully. The stars say Scorpio is stilling Gemini’s breeze. It sounds a lot like that time we encountered those people whose secrets practically whispered through the air. Maybe it's another cosmic nudge.
So you believe the lunar cycle is responsible for your sudden poetic streak and not, say, your habit of reading conspiracy magazines before breakfast?
Actually, yes. My horoscope literally says my words are dripping with honeyed persuasion - I'm practically Shakespeare with a badge today. Think about it: what if, in interrogations, I just use a silver tongue instead of the usual direct approach? Maybe even Krycek would've cracked faster.
As long as you don't start serenading the suspects, Mulder. I doubt charm alone is going to unravel government cover-ups or get Skinner to approve your expense reports.
But, Scully - the horoscope says love’s melody is full of discordant notes and that harmony only comes from accepting imperfection. Maybe that's why our cases never resolve perfectly. Maybe that's the X-File within the X-File.
Or maybe it's just horoscopes trying to make everyone feel special, Mulder. But if you start asking for the salt in sonnets, at least let me know first so I can record the evidence.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, why are you staring at that zodiac page like you've just found a clue in an unsolved case?
Scully, this isn't just ink on newsprint - it's a cosmic message. Apparently, a soothing heart is fueling my spirit today. My feelings are shifting like a weathervane in a hurricane, and I should merely observe instead of resisting.
You're telling me astrological wind patterns are reason enough not to make any decisions? Next you'll blame Mercury for those files you misplaced last week.
This goes deeper, Scully. The lunar influence is strong - Scorpio stirring Cancer's tides. Emotion echoing back, like I'm tapping into some grand ancestral truth. Maybe that's why I keep dreaming about my father lately.
Or maybe that could be the result of investigating family secrets and government conspiracies until 3 a.m. again. Have you considered the sleep deprivation angle?
But, Scully, it says love's sweet melody hits discordant notes, and harmony comes from accepting imperfections. Maybe our partnership, with all its... 'quirks,' is just part of life's rich composition. Even if sometimes you look at me like I'm an escaped mental patient.
I'll remind you that skepticism is my rich contribution to our composition. And I have no intention of letting your horoscope justify following another UFO lead without backup.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You're awfully introspective this morning, Mulder. What's gotten into you?
I just read my horoscope, Scully. It said that 'bright courage steers your course' and that my soul's compass is spinning wildly. I think it's trying to tell me that I need to trust my instincts, especially when things get stormy.
Your soul's compass, Mulder? You do realize that's probably intentionally vague. How are you applying that to real life? Let me guess, you're seeing patterns where there aren't any.
No, hear me out. It says not to anchor in the wind, just observe its patterns. I think that's what we did when we investigated that case in Oregon - the one with the shifting truths. We had to watch without jumping to conclusions.
So now your horoscope is professional advice? The only thing spinning wildly is your interpretation, Mulder.
It also mentioned the power behind the crown. Don't you see? Sometimes, it's about what you don't see on the surface. Like how we realized the conspiracy wasn't just in the obvious places, but hidden deeper, shaping everything we thought we knew.
Or maybe it's just a coincidence, Mulder. Maybe your horoscope is as cryptic as those cigarettes that man used to smoke. You read into it what you want because it fits your theory.
Or maybe the universe has a sense of humor, Scully. Today, my path is about devotion and depth. Maybe that's a sign I should trust you a little more when my fire gets the better of me. Or, at the very least, let the wind guide us to the truth.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, you seem particularly... focused this morning. Let me guess, another intergalactic message hidden in your breakfast cereal?
Not quite, Scully. But listen to this: I'm meant to have 'diligent energy' shaping my path today, with honeyed words so persuasive I could talk my way into or out of anything. My horoscope says I essentially have a silver tongue - probably even if I just want the salt at lunch.
Mulder, if your horoscope starts influencing your approach to evidence or crime scenes, I might have to file a report. Besides, you don’t need cosmic intervention for your persuasive tactics.
But that's the thing, Scully! It says I should use this silver-touched magic wisely, especially when it comes to relationships. Maybe it’s finally time to comfort Skinner after the bee incident, or at least charm the lab techs into speeding up our test results.
I think emotional maturity is less about horoscopes and more about learning from experience. Are you sure this isn't just postulating you be less... needy than usual? Because I refuse to become an unwilling subject in another of your experiments.
Well, the stars also say something about Scorpio challenging Virgo - order versus chaos, healing through complexity. Maybe all that time spent with you, the queen of precision, has finally prepared me to embrace a little mess. Like surviving that mind-control fungus or that time our world literally flipped upside down.
Mulder, a horoscope telling you to embrace chaos does not justify ignoring protocol. And if you start crafting sonnets while we're questioning witnesses, I’m blaming the lunar influence - and demanding a new partner.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
You look unusually relaxed, Mulder. What's gotten into you - find another message from the Cigarette Smoking Man tucked under your chair?
Not quite, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and it basically told me I'm guided by charming peace today, even when everything goes out of tune, especially my so-called ‘values and resources.’ I think it means I'm destined to be especially persuasive - even if all I'm asking for is a little salt at lunch.
So let me get this straight - you're expecting some sort of cosmic boost in your negotiation skills? Must be why you think you can talk your way out of filing that mountain of paperwork.
Scully, the horoscope said my words drip with honeyed persuasion. Maybe that means the Bureau finally lets us keep our flashlights after an investigation. Or maybe Skinner will stop raising his eyebrow every time I mention the word 'lizard-man.'
Interesting. Did your horoscope also mention how your song of harmony turns to discord the moment shadowy conspiracies are involved? Or is that just an occupational hazard?
Actually, there's supposed to be a lunar influence - Scorpio testing Libra’s grace. The mask gives way to meaning, Scully. Maybe the enigmas we meet today will finally drop their masks and give us a glimpse of the truth. Kind of like that time we interrogated Krycek and his poker face almost slipped. Almost.
I wouldn’t rely on the moon for confessions, Mulder. The only thing that’s influenced by lunar cycles is lack of sleep, in your case.
Watch and see, Scully. Between my honeyed tongue and cosmic synergy, there’s no telling which mysteries will unravel themselves before us today. Maybe even yours.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, you look oddly contemplative for someone who skipped breakfast. Did you stumble onto a new theory?
Actually, Scully, I was reading my horoscope this morning. It said I've got a magnetic pull fueling my soul today. Makes me wonder if I'll be attracting answers or just more questions - maybe even both.
Is this before or after your soul’s feelings change direction with the wind, like a weathervane in a tornado? Because as I recall, last time you followed your intuition we ended up in a field with a dubious crop formation.
That field had very promising evidence, Scully. But this is different. The horoscope says I shouldn’t anchor myself, just observe the patterns. Which - if you think about it - could be incredibly helpful for our work. Maybe if I stop clinging to what I want to find, I’ll actually see what’s really there.
Or maybe you’ll just end up floating aimlessly. What’s the advice on expressing yourself today? Should I brace for spontaneous Mulder soliloquies in the office, or is there an astrological embargo?
Apparently, my self-expression is under review by the cosmic weather. And love’s melody is meant to go a little out of tune. Harmony through embracing imperfection, Scully. Makes me think of… certain unscheduled partnerships in our line of work. Like when you tolerated that overzealous detective in Portland.
I’ll try to take your discordant notes under advisement, Mulder. But shouldn’t your lunar influence be involved in all this? Something about being reborn in fire and shadow?
Yes! The horoscope mentioned when Scorpio meets itself, depths collapse into truth. So if I wind up having an existential breakthrough today, you’ll know it’s not just another run-in with the Smoking Man, but a full lunar rebirth. But in case I walk through any actual fire, feel free to have a fire extinguisher ready.
I’m always prepared, Mulder. Just don’t expect me to start navigating by horoscopes instead of evidence.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You look unusually chipper this morning, Mulder. Find a new government conspiracy in your cereal box?
Funny you should mention it, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and it basically told me that adventurous energy is calling me - like the universe is urging me to follow my gut and my heart, wherever they might take me.
Mulder, are you seriously planning on letting an astrology column dictate our day? You know the stars aren’t sending you secret cosmic missions.
But think about it: my soul’s compass spinning wildly, the path forward is in honoring both desire and emotion. I mean, wasn’t it that blend that helped us track down those clones in Alberta? Maybe I'm just wired for this kind of metaphysical detective work.
Or maybe you’re just overcaffeinated. The horoscope says your feelings are shifting like a weathervane in a storm. Does that explain why you’re always chasing one theory after another?
Exactly! The key is to observe, not anchor - notice the patterns. It’s practically telling me to be vigilant, open-minded. Kind of like how we approach any case where the evidence keeps contradicting itself. Embrace the chaos, Scully.
And here I thought our job was to analyze evidence, not embrace cosmic chaos. The horoscope also mentioned something about Scorpio and Sagittarius - faith and mortality. Planning to probe the meaning of life again while we’re at it?
You know how meeting people who test my faith convinces me even more that the truth is out there - and that sometimes, the unexplainable comes down to exactly this kind of cosmic dance. Plus, it’s not every day the stars invite you to solve the unsolvable.
Well, if we run into a shadowy government operative who claims they’re a Sagittarius, I’ll let you take the lead. Until then, I’ll stick to science.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Mulder, you’ve been staring at that newspaper for five minutes. Is there something in the classifieds you’re contemplating, or have you moved on to taking horoscopes seriously now?
Scully, this isn’t just a horoscope. It’s a manifesto for my soul. According to this, I’m now guided by ‘pragmatic strength’ - which, as you know, has always been my strongest suit.
Pragmatic, Mulder? The man who once chased a smoking man into a cornfield at midnight on the word of an informant you’d never met?
Ah, but this says I have ‘emotional maturity’ now. Maybe that means if I see a mutant in the sewer today, I’ll comfort it instead of calling for backup. Not because I need to, but because my cup runneth over.
So the horoscope claims you’re no longer emotionally needy? That would be a first. Next you’ll tell me your social ties are evolving, too.
Funny you should mention it. It specifically says this will especially affect my social connections. I think that means you and I should try group therapy with the Lone Gunmen.
I’ll pass. But tell me, how does all this square with your feelings on unpredictability? You’re not exactly known for just observing and not acting.
Apparently, I’m supposed to be like a weather observer, not anchoring myself in the emotional storm. So if Skinner yells at us again, I’ll just take notes instead of immediately theorizing about alien conspiracies.
And this sudden self-restraint is because of a lunar alignment?
Not just any alignment. Scorpio is supposed to strengthen my Capricorn will. It means my ambition is learning ‘depth,’ Scully. My legacy is a journey inward. Maybe it means my search for the truth…is inside myself.
Well, if your cup is full and your legacy is inward, maybe you can handle the paperwork while I examine the actual evidence. That would be proof of emotional maturity I could get behind.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, you look unusually contemplative. Did something trigger one of your grand theories again?
Scully, you ever get that sense your destiny is being orchestrated by cosmic forces? According to my horoscope, my mind’s supposed to be fueled by progressive thoughts today - like I’m infected with a syndicate of radical ideas.
Progressive thoughts, Mulder? Is that what you call obsessively cataloging newspaper clippings and drawing connections between crop circles and spontaneous combustion?
Don’t mock it - the stars are warning me not to anchor myself to any single theory. Feelings are changing direction faster than the wind in a Midwestern tornado. I’m meant to just observe the patterns, Scully, not force a conclusion.
Is this why you haven’t finished your report for Skinner? Because the horoscope says you should rely on shifting emotions instead of actual evidence?
Think of it more like a tactical advantage - I’m letting the unpredictable guide my next career move. The universe is hinting - this electric attraction I have to chasing the unknown, it’s supposed to jolt my system. But I should probably check the circuits before I try to rewire everything, right?
I’d recommend not rewiring anything, Mulder, especially not your heart or an FBI-issued flashlight. Attraction might spark investigation, but you still need safety protocols.
Maybe it’s the lunar influence, Scully. Scorpio’s barged right into Aquarius’ detached headquarters. Emotions are hijacking ideas. With a combination like that, even Lucinda Tipton could birth revolutionary healing - if only someone believed her.
You’re not suggesting your horoscope is a classified tool for uncovering the truth, are you? Because the science doesn’t really support astrological career strategies, Mulder.
Scully, sometimes you have to open your mind - to the stars, the shifting winds, even to revolutionary feelings. That’s how you find what’s out there. Trust me, the truth isn’t always as detached as you’d like.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You look unusually thoughtful, Mulder. Is this about that dream journal you started keeping, or did you just decode some hidden government memo in your lunch?
Actually, Scully, it's my horoscope. Listen: 'Imaginative waves light your path. Feelings change direction like a weathervane in a storm.' If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.
Your horoscope, Mulder? Please tell me you’re not letting astral predictions guide our casework now.
You can scoff if you want, but it says I shouldn't anchor myself in this wind; just observe the patterns. That's practically a method of investigation, Scully. I mean, look at what happened in Bellefleur - if I'd stopped at logic, we never would have uncovered the truth.
So you're suggesting we let the cosmic breeze direct our next steps? We may as well consult the Magic 8-Ball in your desk drawer.
This isn't about chance. It says my beliefs and learning are especially affected. The stars are pointing me toward new revelations, maybe even about that shared consciousness we encountered. Remember those twins who seemed to share dreams? Today, synchronicities are supposed to speak clearly.
Mulder, if art, dreams, and 'collective unconscious' are speaking in clear tongues, you might want to check for a gas leak. Synchronicity isn’t scientific evidence.
But what about lunar influences? Scorpio dives into Pisces' ocean, it says. The mystic meets the sorcerer. That fusion of compassion and power - you've seen people manifest extraordinary abilities when powerful emotions are involved. Maybe we’ll encounter someone like that today.
Or maybe we're more likely to find explanations in biology, psychology, or even basic meteorology than in planetary alignments. But I am curious - are you planning to add ‘astrological consultant’ to your badge now, Mulder?