Aries
March 21 - April 19
Mulder, you seem unusually optimistic today. Did something happen, or is this just another conspiracy theory in the works?
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and it’s basically telling me I'm supposed to lead with a fearless heart. I think that means I’m due for a breakthrough. Maybe a clue will just present itself if I'm assertive enough.
A horoscope? Mulder, if you’re basing investigative technique on star charts, you're really blurring the line between evidence and speculation.
This isn’t speculation, Scully. It says my charisma and aesthetic sensibility are enhanced. I’m supposed to use that to my professional advantage - maybe I can finally get Skinner to approve that off-the-books investigation. Or convince the Lone Gunmen to wear ties.
I’m not sure personal charm and an 'aesthetic sensibility' are recognized methods in a field manual, Mulder. Artistic expression doesn’t help when evidence is being redacted.
But it’s all about harmonious social connections today. That lunar influence - Virgo observing Aries’ fire with a mindful gaze - it’s purposeful action, Scully! Maybe if we combine your critical mind with my assertiveness, we'll get results... or at least not end up in another cornfield with men in black.
So, this is about balance now? The only thing I’m observing is your willpower being eclipsed by wishful thinking. Tell me, Mulder, does your horoscope suggest what to do when faced with government stonewalling and shapeshifting bounty hunters?
It says to channel this energy into ambitious projects and physical pursuits with sustained effort. Maybe it’s telling us to keep going, Scully - no matter how many times we’re told we’re crazy. After all, the truth is out there, and so, apparently, is Aries.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You look unusually contemplative, Mulder. Dare I ask what cosmic revelation has your attention this morning?
Scully, I just read my horoscope - and I think today could be pivotal for my career. Apparently, a grounded heart is going to steady my path. Does that sound like fate to you?
A horoscope. So you’re planning to let the stars chart your next course instead of evidence or logic?
Not just the stars - Virgo honors Taurus’ steadiness. Virgo, that meticulously logical sign, lending me the poetic poise of Taurus. Imagine me, Mulder, turning practicality into poetry. Maybe Skinner will suddenly appreciate my artful case reports.
If practical poetry means less colorful metaphors and more factual clarity, I think we could both appreciate that.
But there's more. It said eloquent expression enhances social and professional interactions. Maybe my next batch of field notes will finally convince you of the sentience of that fungus in Oregon - or at least impress the Bureau’s PR department.
I’ll believe it when I see a fungus start writing haikus, Mulder. Still, I’ll look forward to this harmonious blend of charisma and, what was it, aesthetic sensibility you’re meant to radiate.
Don’t underestimate the power of artistic expression in our line of work, Scully. Diplomatic interactions can open doors, even to the truth about that so-called closed UFO case last month.
I suppose if your newfound diplomatic charisma helps us avoid another disciplinary hearing, I’ll admit the horoscope had merit - just don’t expect me to start consulting them myself.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Scully, you ever get the sense that the universe is giving you a nudge? According to what I just read, my 'restless energy' is apparently tuned for eloquence today. Maybe it's finally time for that big break – a chance for us to really get people to listen to the truth out there.
Mulder, don't you think that restless energy is more likely a result of the four cups of coffee you had this morning? Horoscopes are designed to be vague enough to apply to anyone.
Ah, but this one says that eloquent expression will enhance my professional interactions. Imagine it: I present our findings to Skinner and suddenly my 'personal charisma and aesthetic sensibility' have him eating out of my hand. Maybe even get some actual backup for once.
You think reading your horoscope is the key to government cooperation? Mulder, they ignored you when you brought them evidence of alien life. I doubt astrological alignment will change that.
But it specifically mentions benefits to negotiators and writers. Who does more negotiating and writing than we do? I mean, we spent all that time trying to decipher codes and logic between two victims who swore they communicated telepathically. Maybe the stars are suggesting we think outside the box today.
Or it's suggesting you should try painting or public relations. Professional advantages through artistic expression, Mulder? Planning to take up watercolors on your next stakeout?
Not unless I'm painting a portrait of the truth, Scully. But look - the horoscope also says belief and learning are affected. That lunar influence, Virgo and Gemini 'conversing in codes.' Maybe when minds truly mirror each other's intricacies, something new really can be learned. You know, like us.
We don’t need the moon to align or minds to mirror for that, Mulder. All it takes is a willing suspension of disbelief - and a good forensic kit.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, you seem unusually calm today. Are you going to tell me you had some kind of cosmic revelation over your morning coffee?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it practically screamed at me - apparently, there's a tender glow defining my pace today. Eloquent expression, social harmony - it's all in the stars. Which actually explains why I was able to convince the coffee vendor to give me that extra donut.
So the cosmos is directly responsible for your negotiation skills now? Or maybe it's just because you winked at her.
Don't underestimate the harmonious blend of personal charisma and aesthetic sensibility, Scully. This is the kind of day where professional advantages could arise through artistic expression or even subtle diplomacy. I mean, think of all the times we've needed to talk our way out of quarantine. Today, I'd be unstoppable.
You do realize no horoscope can substitute for a badge and a flashlight, right? I don't think planetary influences have affected your criminal profiling skills.
Ah, but according to lunar influence - Virgo is grounding Cancer’s tides. It’s all about feeling gaining form, care becoming a sacred task. Clearly, I’m meant to bring order to emotional chaos. Maybe it’s the universe telling me to be more diplomatic with Skinner.
Or maybe it's just a convenient excuse for wearing that tie with the little UFOs again. Face it, Mulder: your celestial aesthetic sensibility might get you some strange looks, but it won't close a case.
That’s just it, Scully. Maybe the truth really is out there - just waiting for a little social grace and aesthetic sensibility to bring it to light. Besides, who’s to say my artistic flair didn’t help when we had to pass as a married couple in that small town near the Air Force base?
Just promise me you won’t try to negotiate peace with any more mysterious government agents based solely on what your horoscope says, Mulder.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You look unusually animated, Mulder. Don't tell me you've just uncovered a new government conspiracy in the coffee grounds.
Not today, Scully. But according to my horoscope, my creative energy is practically radiating right now. The universe says I'm supposed to blend my natural charisma with an aesthetic sensibility. Professional advantages through artistic expression - maybe it's time I submit that sketch of the Jersey Devil to the bureau newsletter.
Charisma and aesthetic sensibility? Mulder, if you start painting crop circles on the office floor in the name of self-expression, I'm calling Skinner.
I'm serious, Scully. There's a dynamic fusion of willpower in play. Leo energy, assertive, ambitious - maybe that's why I can't stop thinking about finally organizing all the case files. Or, more likely, it's a sign we should tackle that unexplained energy phenomenon in the archives. We might discover something extraordinary if we channel this energy the right way.
Or you could just ask the interns to help you alphabetize. And since when do you follow astrological forecasts? Last week you dismissed the full moon as nothing more than a phase.
Ah, but this time the Lunar Influence is Virgo tending Leo’s flame. Precision at the service of inspiration - think of it like the time we balanced method and instinct tracking down that shapeshifter in Minneapolis. Radiance refined, Scully. Maybe today, glory really does become grace.
If you start glowing, Mulder, let me know. Until then, maybe your 'glory' could tackle the backlog of paperwork on your desk. That's where I could use a little of your so-called harmonious energy.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, you're unusually focused this morning. Let me guess - something in your horoscope told you to get organized?
Scully, I think the universe is finally giving me a sign. My horoscope says a ‘calm order’ is guiding my steps. I think that means today’s the day I finally bring some harmony to the files in my office.
Or it means you're stalling before tackling your paperwork. And since when do you take horoscopes seriously? The last time the stars gave you advice, we ended up chasing a man who could squeeze through air vents.
But listen - eloquent expression enhances social and professional interactions. Maybe that means I’m supposed to make peace with Skinner before he asks about our expense reports. It’s all about timing, Scully.
‘Graceful combinations’ are more about tact than timing, Mulder. And both are equally essential in dealing with the Bureau.
Also, apparently disruptive detailed work creates turbulence… which means if I alphabetize every sighting report from 1951, we’re inviting chaos. The stars want me to be innovative, not obsessive.
Or maybe that’s your subconscious telling you not to get lost in minutiae. Innovative ideas require careful presentation, yes, but not everything is a coded celestial message.
That's where you’re wrong, Scully. The lunar influence is strong. Virgo meeting Virgo is like us working together - two analytical minds, reflecting, pursuing perfection not to impress, but to… honor creation’s blueprint. Or at least, untangle one more government conspiracy.
I suppose if I find you reorganizing the morgue fridge later to honor creation’s blueprint, I should blame the moon and not you?
Only if you remember it’s all in the stars, Scully. All in the stars.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, are you actually reading your horoscope again? What's caught your eye this time?
Scully, according to this, today I'm supposed to have incredibly charming connections guiding my path. Apparently, my eloquence will enhance all my interactions - social, professional, you name it. I think this could be a sign.
A sign of what, exactly? That you'll finally stop antagonizing Assistant Director Skinner in those budget meetings?
No, Scully, think about it. If my horoscope is right, my unique blend of personal charisma and aesthetic sensibility could open some doors for us. Maybe it’s time we solved a case using charm instead of flashlights and rubber gloves.
Mulder, you're already infamous for your unique persuasion tactics. But are you suggesting we rely on your alleged 'diplomatic interactions' to convince witnesses we're not government operatives or alien bounty hunters?
Why not? The horoscope specifically mentions benefits for negotiators and writers. And in a way, isn’t that what we do - piece together narratives, convince people of the truth, even if it's out there?
I think the truth is, your horoscope is giving you a license for creative improvisation. I hope that doesn't mean you'll start reciting poetry to suspects again like you did in Philadelphia.
Only if I want to craft elegance with meaning, Scully. The lunar influence says Virgo tempers Libra today. Beauty meets utility. Maybe my boring paperwork will finally get its due as an aesthetic masterpiece.
Keep dreaming, Mulder. But if you do happen to charmingly negotiate us into an expedited lab analysis, I might have to reconsider my skepticism.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like it just revealed the secret to the universe?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and honestly, I think today could be pivotal. It says there's a deep pulse fueling my path - a dynamic fusion of willpower and assertive Scorpio energy. What if that means we're about to crack this case wide open?
Mulder, I hope you're not using astrology to support your theories now. How exactly does your 'Scorpio energy' help us find a missing person in the woods?
It advises I channel this potent combination into ambitious projects - like investigating phenomena most consider impossible. It also specifically mentions transformation in the home. Maybe our answers are closer than we think, right under our noses.
Or perhaps you’re seeing signs where there aren’t any, like that time you thought your apartment was under surveillance by shadowy figures because of a mysterious phone bill.
But the horoscope says focused intensity brings powerful transformations. What if these moments of intensity are, in fact, the universe nudging us closer to the truth? Like when we followed those leads in Bellefleur - everything changed after that, Scully.
And yet, the only thing that's changed so far is you quoting horoscopes at me instead of obscure conspiracy authors. I'm beginning to think Virgo's organizational influence should be reminding you to get some sleep.
On the contrary, Virgo helps catalog Scorpio’s depth. It's about studying transformation, Scully - understanding brings healing. Maybe that's what we need right now, a methodical approach to these unknowns, cataloging every insight until the greater pattern emerges.
Well, Mulder, let’s hope your stars align with the case files. But next time you feel a pulse fueling your path, maybe it’s just too much coffee.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Scully, do you ever get the feeling the cosmos is giving you a nudge to embark on something big? My horoscope says adventurous energy is calling me. Sounds a little like fate, don't you think?
Mulder, are you really letting an online horoscope dictate your next move? Adventurous energy could just mean you need more sleep after that triple espresso.
But it’s more than that. Supposedly, I’m exuding a harmonious blend of charisma and aesthetic sensibility right now. That would explain why that group of museum curators kept asking my opinion about extraterrestrial pottery.
Or maybe they were just being polite. You can’t use a horoscope as evidence that your social skills have suddenly improved, Mulder.
It says professional advantages may arise through artistic expression or diplomatic interactions. Maybe it’s time I wrote that expose on the government’s creative approach to UFO documentation. Maybe with, you know, stick figure illustrations.
If you start sending those to the Pentagon, promise me you’ll let me proofread them.
It also mentions a dynamic fusion of willpower and Sagittarius energy - which, if you recall, was exactly what I needed when tracking that shapeshifter in the Midwest. Maybe this time, psychic stamina will help us crack the next case.
Or maybe, Mulder, what you really need is some Virgo structure. The horoscope did mention the lunar influence challenging aimless pursuits and encouraging truth through method and meaning. You know, like evidence collection.
Touché, Scully. Maybe we can compromise. I’ll trust the stars for inspiration - and you for making sense of it all.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You look unusually energized today, Mulder. Let me guess - your star chart told you to climb another mountain?
Actually, Scully, my horoscope says a dynamic fusion of willpower and assertive Capricorn energy is swirling around me. Now's the time for a climb to success. I can feel it - like when I tracked down Eugene Tooms. Only this time, no ventilation ducts.
And you believe the alignment of planets is going to fuel your so-called ambition? Remind me, what exactly are you supposed to accomplish under the mighty Goat's blessing?
It’s about transformation, Scully. Channel this potent combination into something ambitious or physically demanding. Maybe that means cracking open a fresh X-File, or perhaps tackling one of those cases that demand relentless persistence. This energy is especially affecting my values and resources, so maybe even our federal expense account.
If your horoscope starts claiming you can claim expenses for alien autopsies again, I’m not supporting it, Mulder. I’d also like to know how you plan on focusing your ‘intensity’ to facilitate some kind of powerful transformation.
Focused intensity, Scully. That’s the key. The same intensity I needed investigating that paramilitary cult last winter. Complete reinvention could be right around the corner - in the field or in the basement.
Is there a footnote mentioning whether dynamic Capricorn energy covers the paperwork?
According to the lunar influence, Virgo and Capricorn are supposed to build wisely. So technically, your legendary devotion fuels my ambition, and together we construct success. Or at least not another reprimand from Skinner.
Still sounds like a lot of cosmic rationalization for your next wild theory, Mulder. But if it means you’ll finally submit those field reports, maybe the stars are onto something.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Scully, have you ever felt like progressive thoughts are fueling your very soul? Because, according to my horoscope this morning, that's what I'm supposed to be experiencing today. That's basically a green light from the cosmos to think outside the box.
Mulder, you can't honestly be letting a horoscope dictate your approach to investigative work. Innovation is important, but sometimes what you call thinking outside the box just creates chaos.
Not chaos, Scully. Disruptive innovation. Granted, the horoscope does warn about unnecessary turbulence, but that's just a risk you take when you're trying to bring the truth to light. Remember that time with the computers at the Defense Department? Careful presentation could have made all the difference.
Mulder, the only thing that would have made a difference is if you had followed proper protocol. Besides, don't you think innovative ideas require more than just cosmic permission? Sometimes persistence and evidence work better than aesthetic sensibility.
Eloquent expression, Scully. That's the secret. Says right here, eloquent expression enhances social and professional interactions. Maybe if I'd been more graceful during that hearing, the Bureau wouldn't keep reassigning us.
Or maybe if you had provided them with documentation instead of dramatic speeches, they'd take you more seriously. Mulder, you can't charm your way through every anomaly we encounter.
Ah, but that's where my personal charisma comes in - a harmonious blend with my keen Virgo sensibilities. The lunar influence is steadier than you think, Scully. Aquarius innovation - refined by Virgo reasoning - a system of change. Together, it's balance.
So you're saying you're Aquarius and I'm Virgo in this cosmic system of yours? Mulder, at least one of us will keep the unnecessary turbulence at bay while the other chases progressive thoughts. I’ll let you guess who’s doing which.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Scully, I think the cosmos is finally acknowledging my unique talents. According to my horoscope, I've got this glow of empathy today, and eloquence to boot. Maybe I should be negotiating with shadowy government agencies more often.
Mulder, since when do you believe horoscopes determine your diplomatic skills? You realize you can't trust everything you read just because it flatters you.
But it's not just about flattery. Apparently, this blend of charisma and artistic sensibility is supposed to give me an edge professionally - like when we had to convince Skinner to approve that trip to Alaska. Maybe my spiritual side is finally catching up to my enthusiasm for unexplained phenomena.
Your spiritual side, Mulder? The only thing I’ve seen you negotiate lately is pizza toppings. Besides, doesn’t this so-called lunar influence mean anything to someone with a doctorate in psychology?
Actually, it talks about Virgo balancing Pisces’ dream - practical compassion, Scully. Maybe that translates to my relentless pursuit of the truth, even if it means walking in sensible shoes. Unlike the time we were running through the forest in Oregon. There’s a certain...harmony to it.
Harmony, right. If you start communicating with alien diplomats using interpretive dance or 'aesthetic sensibility,' let me know. Until then, I’ll stick to scientific investigation - no matter what your horoscope predicts.