Aries
March 21 - April 19
You seem unusually restless today, Mulder. Is something going on, or did you just drink too much coffee?
It's not the coffee, Scully. It's cosmic fate. According to my horoscope, my bold ambition is blazing a trail through the unknown, and I'm poised for a deep emotional transformation. Today, change isn’t just possible, it’s inevitable.
Let me guess, the stars have given you license to shake up our entire investigation by following a wild hunch?
Not just a hunch - rebellious impulses. They could disrupt my personal goals, which suggests it may be time to question the status quo. Maybe even the way we work with our, shall we say, less receptive colleagues in the Bureau. Don’t you ever feel like something needs to break the pattern?
Or maybe you just want to break into another secret government facility. But your horoscope also told you to avoid rash decisions, didn't it?
Embrace change, but don’t go off half-cocked. I think that’s what it means. Like the time you talked me down from leaping into that swamp after reports of a highly irradiated mutant. Maybe we do need to confront old patterns, especially where our social connections are concerned. Deep healing could be on the horizon, Scully.
If by 'healing' you mean fewer wild goose chases, I’m all for it. But you do realize your horoscope is probably auto-generated by an algorithm, right?
You say algorithm, I say synchronicity. After all we've seen, can you really dismiss the possibility that the universe is nudging us toward something bigger today?
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You seem unusually calm this morning, Mulder. Did you finally get more than four hours of sleep, or is there another explanation?
Funny you should ask, Scully. I just read my horoscope, and apparently I'm supposed to move through the day with a serene pace. It even said something about experiencing deep emotional transformations.
Of course it did. Mulder, you know horoscopes are hardly scientific. They’re just vague statements meant to appeal to as many people as possible.
But isn’t it odd, Scully, that on the very day my horoscope says I’ll confront old patterns, I was planning to go through the old case files? Maybe dredging up those memories will heal some wounds.
Or maybe it’ll just be another excuse to revisit your collection of blurry photographs and redacted paperwork. What else did the stars tell you, Mulder?
It did warn me about rebellious impulses possibly disrupting my personal goals. Which, considering how often Skinner has to reel us in, seems relevant. He might call it insubordination; I call it cosmic timing.
So, first aliens, then shadowy conspiracies, and now astrology is your guiding principle? Just promise me you’ll avoid any rash decisions today, especially where our careers are concerned.
Don’t worry, Scully. I’ll embrace change but keep it measured. The stars may guide me, but I know better than to let them write my personnel file.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Scully, you ever get the feeling the universe is trying to tell you to open your mind a little wider? I just read my horoscope, and apparently, clever energy is flowing through me today. It's like the cosmos is giving me carte blanche to think outside the box - more than usual, anyway.
Mulder, has it occurred to you that your so-called 'clever energy' might be the result of too much caffeine and not enough sleep? Horoscopes aren't exactly a scientific barometer for mental acuity.
But that's the beauty of it, Scully! The stars are saying effective teaching and learning will happen naturally for me right now - maybe that's why I'm able to get through to you today about those files from Quantico. I think this is finally my moment to enlighten you about the lingering evidence from that case in Bellefleur.
Or maybe it's just another day in the basement with a pile of unsolved cases and your usual grand theories. Besides, you know what your horoscope conveniently left out? A peer-reviewed source.
Peer review is overrated. What's important is that my horoscope warns me that rebellious impulses could disrupt my personal goals, Scully. So if I start suggesting we break into a military compound or chase after mysterious lights in the sky - remind me to pause and embrace change, not recklessness.
If by 'embrace change', you mean exercising some actual caution instead of vaulting fences at midnight, I'll believe it when I see it. And what about your beliefs and learning? Are the stars finally telling you to reconsider that crusade against the men in shadowy rooms?
Not exactly, but they do say deep emotional transformations are possible. Maybe it's time for me to process everything we've seen, from shapeshifters in the Arctic to kids who talk to the dead. The Aquarius Moon's got me feeling all intellectual and detached - a perfect mood for revisiting the truth, don't you think?
I'll believe your transformation when you stop requesting post-mortem reports on livestock abductions, Mulder. Until then, maybe we should focus on facts, not constellations.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You’ve been staring at that horoscope for ten minutes, Mulder. Should I be concerned, or are you pondering the secrets of the universe again?
Scully, this isn’t just any horoscope - listen to this: ‘Warm sensitivity lifts your journey, and deep emotional transformations are possible.’ Clearly, the universe is telling me I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. Maybe even an emotional evolution - not unlike what I went through after meeting Samantha’s clone.
If your horoscope says you’ll experience intense feelings and healing, does that mean you’ll finally let go of the time you tried to prove to me that psychic surgery was real?
Old patterns have to die hard, Scully. But it also talks about ‘broad-minded thinking’ and ‘teaching and learning.’ Maybe my natural skepticism - or belief, depending on your perspective - is contagious. You’re learning from me, and I'm learning from you. It’s practically written in the stars.
I’d say what’s written in the stars is more of a generalized personality test than cosmic instruction. Besides, weren’t you lecturing a local law enforcement officer last week about crop circles? You might be taking the ‘teaching’ part a little too literally.
But wait, Scully, there’s a lunar influence: ‘An unusual emotional mix. Aquarius Moon brings logic, Cancer feels deeply.’ That’s us. You’re all logic and science; I’m all feelings and intuition. Maybe the horoscope is saying we need to find a middle ground - like we did in that town with the firestarter kid.
Or maybe it’s saying we should get back to work solving this case instead of relying on guidance from celestial bodies. But if you start transforming emotionally today, Mulder, just make sure it doesn’t involve any more questionable informants in dark parking garages.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, you seem particularly animated this morning. Something on your mind, or have you uncovered another government conspiracy?
Scully, I've just read something profound - my horoscope practically shouted at me: there’s a radiant force driving my spirit today. I think it’s telling me to embrace whatever changes come our way, even if they seem disruptive. It’s almost like a cosmic push to break free from old patterns. Reminds you of anything?
Besides your ongoing compulsion to upend every FBI protocol? Mulder, horoscopes are intentionally broad. What exactly are you planning to disrupt - hopefully not another Senate hearing on alien DNA?
Not directly, Scully. But it says rebellious impulses could disrupt my goals - what if those impulses help us see what others refuse to see? Maybe today's the day I finally get Skinner to admit there are more things in heaven and earth than his reports suggest. The horoscope specifically mentions emotional transformation. With everything we've been through - the bees, the black oil - maybe it's a sign I can finally let go of the past.
Or maybe it’s a reminder that what you call cosmic nudging might just be an excuse for rash decisions, like charging into that compound in New Mexico without backup. It says avoid rashness, Mulder.
But Scully, don’t you think intense feelings can lead to healing, as my horoscope suggests? Maybe addressing old wounds - like what happened with my sister - will set things right, not just for me but for us. Maybe the truth isn’t only out there - it’s tangled up in our own patterns.
Or maybe it’s just tangled up in your fascination with destiny and forces beyond our control. I think your radiant force might be a double shot of espresso. Promise me, whatever impulsive decision you’re considering, you’ll at least let logic participate.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Scully, I just read my horoscope. Apparently, methodical vibes are fueling my spirit today. That explains why I alphabetized those X-Files back in the office.
Mulder, you alphabetized the files because Skinner told you to. Not because the stars aligned.
But it also says my broad-minded thinking is 'enhanced' right now. Maybe that’s why I see connections where others don’t - like between bee stings and government cover-ups.
Or maybe it’s because you see conspiracies everywhere. Did your horoscope also say anything about effective teaching and learning coming naturally? Because I'm hoping that means you’ll start explaining your wild theories with more evidence.
That’s just it, Scully. The stars suggest this is a good time for me to help others understand. Maybe I’m finally able to convince someone that the truth really is out there. Even if my rebellious impulses might disrupt my so-called personal goals.
Let me guess - the next part warns you not to make rash decisions? You know, like breaking into restricted CDC labs or pursuing unlicensed medical procedures?
It actually says to embrace change but avoid rashness. Which, clearly, means I should keep questioning authority but not, say, chase after a shapeshifter without backup.
If you want a real transformation, Mulder, maybe you should confront your pattern of running into danger. Healing is possible - but the stars won’t file our reports for us.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it basically predicted a 'serene bond' coming my way. Do you think that means I'm finally going to find someone who believes me about the government hiding evidence of extraterrestrial life?
Mulder, maybe it means you’ll just get along with someone in the office for once. Don’t you think you’re reading a little too much into this?
But wait, it says my rebellious impulses could disrupt my personal goals. Scully, we both know I tend to go rogue when things get weird, like that time in Oregon. Maybe this is a warning that I shouldn’t go full Mulder next time we chase down a lead.
Or it could be suggesting you actually try following protocol for once, Mulder. You know, like all those times Skinner has told us to keep him in the loop.
But it also says to embrace change and avoid rash decisions - especially in my creative pursuits. Scully, what if this is about finding new ways to expose the truth? I shouldn’t rush into the next big revelation without considering the consequences.
Or maybe you should stop making connections between unrelated events and start looking at the evidence objectively. That might be the change you need.
There’s more - deep emotional transformations are possible. Confronting old patterns and experiencing intense feelings that lead to healing. Scully, do you think that means if I finally face what happened to my sister, I might actually find some peace?
Mulder, horoscopes are vague on purpose. But if you’re serious about healing, you might consider talking to someone about your past instead of chasing it across the country.
You know Scully, maybe my horoscope is just telling me to trust the bond we have - and not do anything crazy. But if a mysterious email leads us to another government conspiracy today, I can’t guarantee I’ll listen.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Scully, you ever feel like the universe is nudging you toward a radical change? I just read my horoscope and it says a bold shift is guiding my steps - sounds like destiny.
Mulder, are you really putting stock in your horoscope today? What bold shift is it referring to, exactly? Please tell me you’re not thinking of moving into another haunted house.
No, but it’s not about the location - it’s about emotional transformation. The stars are telling me I’m on the verge of confronting old patterns, maybe even breaking some cycles that have haunted me since childhood. Deep stuff, Scully.
I don’t know if I’d call it ‘deep,’ Mulder. Sounds more like the horoscope is describing basic psychology. Everyone has emotional baggage. And haven’t you confronted enough of yours, last time your family’s past resurfaced?
You’re forgetting the part about home life. It’s like the time I uncovered that secret panel in my father’s study - the events that followed nearly tore me apart. The horoscope warns of rebellious impulses disrupting personal goals. Maybe I should finally rearrange my bulletins.
Or maybe you should avoid rash decisions, just like it says. Last time you embraced change, you nearly ended up in a Canadian quarry with nothing but a flashlight and a theory about alien microorganisms.
That was a calculated risk. This - this is cosmic guidance. I think the stars want me to make peace with my past. Healing, Scully. Think of the possibilities.
I think what you need is less cosmic guidance and more sleep. But if it helps you avoid another spontaneous road trip to the middle of nowhere, I’ll take it.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone with that look? Is there another tip from a conspiracy theorist, or did you just win the lottery?
Neither, Scully. I just read my horoscope and it's telling me that today, optimism is lighting my path. I think maybe it's a sign. Maybe today's the day I finally crack a lead on the truth.
Or maybe it's just the sun coming up, Mulder. Since when do you put this much faith in horoscopes?
Since it started giving me eerily accurate advice. Listen - I'm supposed to embrace change and avoid rash decisions, especially with my communication. With everything going on, I should probably reconsider that strongly-worded report I drafted to Skinner about the Syndicate.
You mean the one that read more like a manifesto than an official document? Probably for the best. And you realize this could be interpreted as simple common sense, right?
Could it, Scully? My horoscope says I'm entering a period of deep emotional transformation - confronting old patterns. Maybe this means I'll finally come to terms with... you know, everything that happened in Oregon. Maybe I'll even stop sabotaging my own happiness.
Mulder, emotional transformation doesn’t come from the alignment of the moon in Aquarius. It comes from making choices and dealing with the consequences. Although, if 'broad-minded thinking' is calling you today, maybe you'll finally accept my scientific explanations for those bright lights we saw last week.
I'm ready for exploration, Scully. The horoscope says the Aquarius Moon is fueling my rebellious and freedom-loving mood. So if you see me climbing on another moving train with Krycek at my heels, just remember - I warned you. Destiny, right?
I'll remember, Mulder. Though I'd appreciate it if destiny could leave my car intact this time.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You seem pensive, Mulder. What’s going on? Did you find another crop circle in your morning paper?
No, Scully. It’s a little more cosmic than that. I just read my horoscope, and it says that 'practical will shapes my course.' If that isn’t the universe telling me to finally clean up the X-Files office, I don’t know what is.
Or maybe it’s the universe telling you to stop letting 'rebellious impulses' disrupt your personal goals. Like, say, running off to Oregon every time you think you see strange lights.
You’re missing the big picture, Scully. With the Aquarius Moon influencing things, innovative thinking in career and long-term plans is practically guaranteed. This could be it - a breakthrough! Maybe this is the week we finally link those mysterious financial records together, the ones we found in that warehouse. It says this will affect my values and resources, after all.
Mulder, horoscopes aren’t investigative tools. Maybe the only thing affecting your resources is your tendency to order all those expensive diagnostic kits without going through accounting.
Scully, it specifically warns me to avoid rash decisions. So I won’t do anything crazy, like buy a box of alien implants off the internet. I’ll just say - I feel like 'deep emotional transformations' are on the horizon. I could confront some old patterns. You know, the recurring dream about my sister, the one where I keep seeing her at the beach?
Well, if change means finally putting some old ghosts to rest, then maybe your horoscope is on to something. But let’s try to keep our methods practical - and maybe check our budget before chasing deep emotional healing all the way to Alaska.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, why are you looking at me like you've just discovered an alien in the filing cabinet?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it said bold change is fueling my day. And that rebellious impulses could disrupt my personal goals. I think it means today isn't a day for blending in.
Or maybe it means you shouldn't break into any government facilities - again.
No, Scully, it says to embrace change while avoiding rash decisions. So maybe I'll ask first, instead of picking the lock. But it's more than that - the horoscope said deep emotional transformations are possible. I could be confronting old patterns, experiencing feelings that lead to healing. Maybe finally making sense of what happened to Samantha.
Mulder, it's not the stars urging you to process your childhood trauma. With the lunar influence you mentioned, it's just your tendency toward, let's call it, unconventional behavior.
But the Moon is apparently in my sign, so my emotions are supposed to go rogue. I crave originality today. If a mysterious informant handed me a key to the Pentagon, who am I to question it?
I question it, Mulder. And I don’t think you need the cosmos’ permission to chase originality. But if your rebellious impulses involve paperwork, I’m all for it.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
You seem unusually contemplative this morning, Mulder. Something on your mind, or is it just the caffeine kicking in early?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope and it’s basically confirming everything I've been saying about the universe. It says 'mystical insights light your path.' How do you explain that level of synchronicity?
You mean to tell me a few vague lines about 'mystical insights' have relit your faith in the paranormal? Next you’ll be telling me the Aquarius Moon is why you always have those 'flashes of genius'.
You joke, but the horoscope actually mentioned intuition blending with innovation under the Aquarius Moon. That could explain why I cracked the code on those crop circle patterns yesterday. It’s practically destiny.
Or, Mulder, it could be your broad-minded thinking and many years of chasing down unexplained phenomena. I doubt lunar phases or your horoscope had much to do with it.
But Scully, it also says 'effective teaching and learning come naturally' - you saw the way I managed to explain my theory to Skinner without him rolling his eyes. Clearly, the stars are backing me up on this.
If Skinner didn’t roll his eyes, that’s only because he’s gotten better at hiding his skepticism. Are you also going to attribute your 'rebellious impulses' - like breaking into that government facility last week - to your horoscope?
Well, it does say I should embrace change and avoid rash decisions. Maybe that means it’s time for me to rethink my approach to certain cases - like choosing not to crawl through any more air ducts unless absolutely necessary.
That would be a welcome personal transformation. But if your horoscope starts telling you to hunt vampires by moonlight or speak with the dead, I reserve the right to say, 'I told you so.'
You know, Scully, it also mentions deep emotional transformations and confronting old patterns. Maybe this is exactly the sign I needed to finally let go of... some baggage from the past. Or at least file fewer wild theories for a month.
I’ll believe it when I see it, Mulder. In the meantime, let’s rely on science, not the alignment of the stars, for our next case.