Aries
March 21 - April 19
Mulder, you look like you’ve just had a life-altering revelation. Do I need to ask?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it’s uncanny - apparently, I’m on the verge of making a brave choice. Like quitting everything and raising goats in the Rocky Mountains. Maybe it’s time for a less paranormal career path.
Quitting everything? I hope you realize goats don’t come with government pensions. Is this about emotional articulation or is it another excuse to avoid Skinner's paperwork?
I’m emotionally articulate today, Scully - a rare and beautiful thing, according to the stars. I feel like I could resolve my issues with my entire family, or at least with my mother. Maybe it’s the lunar influence, you know, cardinal water taming my usual flair for the dramatic.
Or maybe your texts are just 'dangerously smooth.' Should I be worried about who’s receiving those, or will the goats have to read all your poetic musings?
Maybe the goats, maybe you, Scully. Besides, someone’s getting flirted with today, whether they like it or not. It’s written in the stars. Just imagine, me, you, and a herd of mysterious, possibly mutated, goats. Admit it - something about that speaks to your spiritual side.
My spiritual side’s been surviving on skepticism for years, Mulder. I’ll believe it when I see you revise the next case file without being distracted by barnyard conspiracies. Until then, channel your impulsiveness into something productive - like not ignoring your voicemail.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Mulder, you look unusually contemplative. What's on your mind now? Alien abductions or another government conspiracy?
Neither, Scully. My horoscope said my grounded heart would steady my course today. Maybe the truth really is out there - and so is emotional stability.
That's the most metaphysical thing you've said all week. Are you seriously basing your day on a horoscope?
It specifically mentioned my texts being dangerously smooth. Maybe the next time I text Deep Throat for intel, he'll finally drop the cryptic routine. Or maybe you'll finally laugh at my alien emoji.
Are you implying cosmic forces are boosting your charm? You do realize your so-called 'emotional articulation' might just be all that coffee you drank.
No, Scully, it's written in the stars. Apparently, my nurturing side is supposed to express itself through practical care today - maybe I can finally convince you to let me pick the next safehouse decor, velvet UFO pillows and all.
Right. So Venus is telling you to channel your inner Martha Stewart at the next crime scene? If I see you measuring curtains instead of footprints, I'm calling Skinner.
I'll take that as a challenge. Maybe I'll just start with organizing the files by astrological sign. Either way, this lunar influence is making me feel like anything is possible, even a little financial nesting - assuming our expense reports survive this month.
If you start balancing our budget with tarot cards, Mulder, we're going to need way more than Venus to save us.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, why have you been staring at your phone for the past ten minutes? You're not hacking into government servers again, are you?
No, Scully. I was just reading my horoscope. It said my texts are 'dangerously smooth' today. Apparently, I’m a regular Casanova - career-wise, anyway. So, if Skinner comes at me with another cryptic assignment, I’m supposed to flirt my way out of it.
Mulder, your version of flirting usually lands us in a basement office or a cornfield in the middle of nowhere. Maybe you should stick to facts for a change.
See, that's the thing. The lunar influence is supposedly messing with my 'airy nature.' My horoscope says to trust my intuition over logic today. Emotional honesty is key. Logic, Scully, won’t cut it for once.
So your plan is to talk about your feelings in front of Assistant Director Skinner? I’m not sure that’s a strategy, Mulder. Remember what happened with Roche? You went with your gut, and we ended up following you into some very muddy waters - literally and psychologically.
Maybe that’s the universe’s way of telling me to be brave. Embrace my rare and beautiful emotional articulation - Scully, today I’m basically the Picasso of feelings.
Just make sure your rare and beautiful emotions don’t get us written up for insubordination. And Mulder - try not to send any dangerously smooth texts to anyone in the Bureau. The last thing we need is another internal investigation.
Scully, I think with you to keep me grounded, my values and resources are in safe hands. But just in case - if I start serenading the vending machines, please intervene.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Are you going to explain why you’re staring at your phone like you expect it to burst into flames, Mulder?
Scully, today the cosmos has decided to bless me with a nurturing glow. Apparently, my texts are - get this - dangerously smooth. It’s not your typical government conspiracy, but a celestial one. I think someone’s about to get flirted with, whether they like it or not.
Is that a warning? Should I prepare myself for a barrage of Mulder-isms by text? Or are you planning to seduce an informant into revealing the truth for a change?
That wouldn’t be the worst plan, Scully. The horoscope says my beliefs and learning are especially at risk of being affected by this smooth-talking persona. I might finally convince you that the truth really is out there - no autopsy required.
Mulder, emotional articulation isn’t a substitute for evidence. You can’t just charm your way into proving aliens exist - although I admit, it might help next time Skinner catches us in his office after hours.
There’s more. A powerful lunar return is supposed to be heightening my intuition, making today perfect for self-care and family bonding - maybe even bonding over some questionable evidence collected in the basement.
If by self-care, you’re referring to reviewing case files at three in the morning or ordering a fourth slice of pizza, I’d like to recommend healthier boundaries. Especially if you expect emotional security from me.
Boundaries - right. Maybe tonight I’ll honor my need for a few hours of sleep instead of chasing lunar anomalies. Or maybe I’ll just savor my rare and beautiful ability to tell you how much I appreciate your skepticism, Scully.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Mulder, why are you staring at your phone like it's about to start speaking in tongues?
Scully, have you ever felt the sudden urge to quit everything and raise goats on a remote hillside? Because my horoscope just told me I might.
No, Mulder, I can safely say that's not a compulsion I've experienced. But I suppose it would be one way to avoid paperwork.
It says my relationships are destined for dramatic change. Maybe this means you're about to admit you believe in ghosts or that Skinner will finally acknowledge my superior… goatherding skills.
Or it just means you're projecting your desire for the unexplainable onto livestock, which is a new one, even for you.
But listen, apparently my texts are dangerously smooth today. It's practically a warning. Is that your way of telling me I should be extra careful when contacting informants? Or perhaps someone else might not appreciate my, let’s call it, 'textual charisma.'
Mulder, the only danger from your texts is excessive use of sunflower seed emojis. Smooth is not the adjective I’d choose.
Well, I’m allegedly emotionally articulate right now - a rare and beautiful thing. Maybe I should seize the moment and finally express my feelings about the time we encountered that sentient computer. I still feel the need to talk it out.
And maybe the lunar influence is just making you more dramatic than usual. Artistic expression? Planning to sculpt an alien out of mashed potatoes at lunch, too?
You underestimate the power of water nourishing creative fire, Scully. I believe I’m supposed to lead with warmth and authority today - perhaps you’ll let me take point with the local law enforcement. Or at least let me pick the radio station on the drive.
If it stops you from quitting to become a goat farmer, Mulder, you can pick the station.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
You seem a little...chipper today, Mulder. Did something happen, or are you just feeling the effects of a caffeine overload?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope and according to the stars, my energy is at peak orderliness. So if you notice my texts seem especially suave today, you have the cosmos to thank.
I can’t say I’ve ever been warned about dangerously smooth texting before. Are you planning to charm the Smoking Man out of his secrets? Or is this some attempt at celestial flirtation?
Who knows, Scully? Fate claims someone’s getting flirted with today - willingly or not. Apparently, I'm emotionally articulate, which, as you know, is not exactly my default setting. Maybe it’s like that time the psychic told me I was destined for revelations. You think Skinner will appreciate a more heartfelt quarterly report?
I think Skinner only appreciates reports turned in before midnight. You know Mulder, if horoscopes really influence behavior, yours is giving you an ego boost. Do you honestly believe your moods are dictated by lunar influences?
The lunar sphere supposedly wants me to focus on practical care and emotional wellness, Scully. Maybe it's a cosmic hint to rethink my late-night habits. Or perhaps I should finally answer that calling to serve - by moving to Vermont and becoming a goat farmer.
So this is it? You’ll leave the Bureau behind for a herd of goats, all because your horoscope told you to take up emotional wellness and self-nurturing? I know you’re prone to following strange leads, but I never pegged you for animal husbandry.
Don’t worry, Scully. Even if I trade in conspiracy theories for goat cheese, the truth will always be out there. Somewhere between my practical care routine and sending dangerously smooth texts, I’ll keep an eye out for the extraterrestrial.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Mulder, you seem unusually chipper this morning. Should I be concerned?
Not at all, Scully. According to my horoscope, I'm practically a walking emotional support agent today. Apparently, my texts are 'dangerously smooth,' so don't be surprised if Skinner asks if I'm moonlighting as a therapist.
You do realize horoscopes aren't exactly a scientific prediction of your behavior, right? What's possessed you to take this so seriously?
Scully, the universe is a mysterious place. If the stars say I'll be exuding irresistible charm, who am I to argue? It also said someone is getting flirted with, whether they like it or not. Should I start with the cigarette-smoking man or work my way up to aliens?
Mulder, if you start flirting with extraterrestrials during an investigation, I'm turning the car around. And I don't think domestic harmony is exactly your primary skill set.
Ah, but Scully, that's where you're wrong. Lunar influences demand I strike a delicate balance between my personal needs and family obligations. All those late-night calls to my mother are totally justified now.
Balancing personal needs with family obligations is called being an adult, Mulder. You don’t need the moon to tell you that. Or are you planning to blame Mercury retrograde the next time you’re late with paperwork?
Actually, I was hoping my newfound coziness would get me out of field reports for a week. Emotional support humans need their rest, you know. You can’t fight off a shapeshifting bounty hunter if you’re drained emotionally.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, what are you staring at so intently? You look like you've just decoded a message from outer space.
Scully, you know how I've always trusted the unknown. I just read my horoscope, and apparently, a powerful tide is steering my course today. I could suddenly quit everything and become a goat farmer. Maybe all those weird farm cases were preparing me for the real thing.
You? A goat farmer? Mulder, you can barely keep a houseplant alive. And the last time we were on a farm, you ended up trespassing, chased by a very angry landowner - and I’ll remind you, it wasn’t a goat he was herding.
That may be, Scully, but it says my home life will be especially affected. Maybe the next strange family dinner won't end with someone sprouting horns. Anyway, my texts are apparently dangerously smooth today. So if you receive something charming from me, don't fight it. It’s in the stars.
I’d hardly call typo-ridden late-night ruminations about extraterrestrial life ‘dangerously smooth,’ Mulder. And if your horoscope is right, does this mean you’ll be flirting your way through the next case file?
Only if it helps with my creative pursuits. Besides, I’m supposed to be emotionally articulate today - a rare and beautiful thing, apparently. Imagine, Scully. I could finally explain why I kept seeing that dead girl in the woods, or why our last suspect thought his mother was communicating through his goldfish.
Mulder, emotional articulation is not the same as making wild leaps of logic. And besides, trusting your instincts got us nearly buried alive last month. The horoscope says psychic impressions are strong, but I prefer forensics to fortune-telling.
You have to admit, Scully, sometimes the lunar influence is more reliable than lab results. And this bit about transformative family healing? Maybe it's time for you and me to finally have that talk with my mother about the truth - unless you think that’s just the psychic residue of last night’s leftovers.
If your horoscope helps you open up for once, then maybe the stars are onto something. But I draw the line at livestock, Mulder. The Bureau doesn’t cover goat feed.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You seem awfully chipper this morning, Mulder. Did you finally find evidence of extraterrestrial life in your cereal?
Not quite, Scully, but it might be just as cosmic. My horoscope says a gust of hope is guiding my steps today. I'm feeling particularly articulate - emotionally, even. It warned me my texts are dangerously smooth and there's a significant chance I might unintentionally flirt with someone. You might want to brace yourself.
Mulder, flirting with someone through text hardly constitutes scientific evidence. Are you going to start justifying every questionable message with astrology now?
Don’t you see, Scully? Maybe the stars are nudging our investigation style. It also says I might be tempted to quit everything and become a goat farmer. There’s something poetic about trading desk work for the open fields - maybe with a herd of suspiciously intelligent goats.
Let me guess: Are these goats going to communicate over encrypted radio signals and disappear without a trace in the middle of the night? I'd hardly call that an improvement for your communication style.
If they're emotionally articulate goats, Scully, it beats most bureaucrats we deal with. Besides, it says adventure calls from home base. Maybe we should look into our own roots. Have you ever wondered if your family’s history conceals any classified government projects?
I think the only classified project in my family is my mother’s secret pie recipe, Mulder. If adventure's calling, I’d rather it be through concrete fieldwork than astrology-fueled goat husbandry.
What if the answers we seek about personal history are right under our noses? Philosophy, family, mysterious lunar influences - it’s all interconnected. The truth might just start at home, Scully.
Or maybe the truth is that you’re just looking for a cosmic excuse to avoid paperwork. If your horoscope tells you to start quoting Nietzsche over lunch, I'm transferring departments.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You look like you've seen something, Mulder. Alien transmission or just another conspiracy?
Scully, I'm telling you, the signs are everywhere. Ambition is guiding my very soul - see, my horoscope basically confirms what I've known all along: the fates want me on a new path. Maybe it's time I quit everything and become a goat farmer.
A goat farmer? Are you planning to set up the next viral goat milk operation or are you just looking for an excuse to live off the grid again?
Is it so strange that the universe might want me to change my values and resources? Besides, it really fits: agent by day, goat whisperer by night. The horoscope also says my texts are dangerously smooth today. I might have to warn Skinner, just in case he falls under my spell.
Mulder, unless those goats come with encrypted messages, I think your work here is still grounded in reality. And for the record, your communication style has always been... unique. Flirting via case reports doesn’t count.
But Scully, today I'm emotionally articulate. That's a rare and beautiful thing. Just imagine it: I could finally explain to you how I felt when you were taken by that cult in West Virginia, or how I still have nightmares after Alaska. You know, lunar influences suggest I should consider family before any career decisions. Maybe I should quit all this and start a home where the only abductions are by curious kids chasing after my goats.
If emotional security is supporting your ambition, Mulder, you should probably start by facing the cases we already have on our desks. And I promise, if you ever do become a goat farmer, I’ll visit - as long as you hold the abductions to a minimum.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, you look more contemplative than usual. What's going on? Did you find evidence of something extraterrestrial in the break room fridge again?
Scully, it's bigger than that. I just read my horoscope and apparently today I'm experiencing a 'radical glow.' It said I might suddenly want to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Maybe I've been missing my true calling all this time. Fresh air, goats, and mysteries of the animal mind.
So you're basing a potential life change on a horoscope? Let me guess, it also told you that you're unusually charming today?
Actually, yes. My texts are supposed to be dangerously smooth right now. It said someone’s getting flirted with whether they like it or not. You’re not feeling an inexplicable urge to discuss the finer points of crop circles with me, are you?
Not unless you count my overwhelming desire to forward you a list of psychiatric resources. Besides, I wouldn’t call you emotionally articulate on most days, Mulder. Today must be a cosmic anomaly.
But Scully, the lunar alignment is supposed to blend humanitarian care with personal nurturing. Maybe that's why I'm feeling compelled to join a community family project or start a goat sanctuary for abductees. Remember that commune we investigated outside Bellefleur? Maybe they were onto something.
If you suggest we turn the office into a support group or introduce goats to the basement, I’m calling Skinner. There’s no celestial arrangement that can explain your ongoing fascination with goats - or your tendency to grandstand.
I just think we should balance innovation with our traditional emotional needs. Trust me, it’s written in the stars. Or at least, on the back of this recycled coffee shop napkin.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Scully, have you ever heard that lunar influences can shape not only the tides, but also the waves of the soul? According to my horoscope, I'm apparently the human embodiment of 'gentle waves' today.
Mulder, you’re not planning to pull out a Ouija board again, are you? You know how that tends to end. What exactly does being ‘the human embodiment of gentle waves’ mean for your day-to-day life?
It says my texts are 'dangerously smooth.' I might accidentally - no, inevitably - flirt with someone, whether they like it or not. I guess I should warn Skinner before emailing him my field report.
I suggest you exercise a little more professionalism than your horoscope implies, Mulder. Unless you want to explain to Skinner why you signed your memo with a winking emoji.
You know, it's not just professional setbacks I'm facing. There’s an overwhelming urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer today. Very spiritual. Maybe the next great X-File is in dairy agriculture.
Mulder, your ‘spiritual side’ is often just an excuse for escapism. If you start booking tickets to Montana, I’m calling the Bureau’s wellness office. And you’re forgetting you’re allergic to hay.
But think of the artistry of cheese-making, Scully! My horoscope mentions that artistic and spiritual practices will flow effortlessly for me. Like the time I solved that case with the psychic twins. Harmony everywhere.
So you’re practically clairvoyant today. Wonderful. Just don’t let your new 'watery symphony of sensitivity' get in the way of actual investigation. Boundaries, Mulder. Remember them - horoscope or not.
It also says I’m emotionally articulate today - a rare and beautiful thing, according to the stars. Should I tell you how much I appreciate your skepticism, or would that ruin the moment?
Just direct your rare emotional articulation toward the case files, Mulder. And keep your 'dangerously smooth' flirting confined to the Bureau’s cafeteria, please.