Aries
March 21 - April 19
Scully, you ever get the feeling that the universe is trying to send you on an adventure? Listen to this - I just read my horoscope, and apparently, some erratic Aries energy is about to disrupt my progress. I think that must explain what happened with the extradimensional time slip in the elevator this morning.
Mulder, are you sure it isn't just the coffee kicking in? Your so-called 'erratic energy' might be a byproduct of too much caffeine and not enough sleep.
Possible, but this says if I channel those impulses, I'll come up with innovative solutions. Isn't that basically what I do? Like when I identified that shapeshifter in the bank by his handwriting? Maybe I'm just cosmically attuned.
Or maybe you’re just impulsive by nature. And since when have your so-called innovations actually smoothed over social connections? Last week Skinner barely wanted to speak to you after your little impromptu slideshow on government conspiracies.
It also says my eloquent expression will improve professional interactions, Scully. I think that's fate urging me to prepare my thesis on alien-human hybrids for the next staff meeting. Maybe I could finally get someone in the bureau to listen.
Professional interactions benefit from evidence, Mulder - preferably documented, not divined. And for your 'spiritual side' - would that be the part that believes the lunar influence can make you more curious and burn through assumptions? Because if so, I’d suggest a little more stillness and a little less dramatic theorizing.
But Scully, Gemini’s wind stirs Aries’ fire! My words carry flame - maybe that’s why you sometimes look like you want to explode during our interviews. Aren’t you the least bit curious how the cosmos might be trying to guide us both?
Curiosity is part of the job, Mulder. But I’ll stick to facts over star charts. Now, if you’re quite done channeling your inner astrologer, maybe we can actually get some work done on the case.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Scully, according to my horoscope, there's some kind of quiet force shaping my journey today. I think this could finally be the day I get a straight answer from Skinner - maybe even a tap into those classified files he keeps under his desk.
Mulder, are you seriously letting your horoscope dictate your professional expectations now? I thought we dealt with enough mysterious forces without consulting the astrology section.
This isn’t just any day, Scully. My eloquence is supposed to be at an all-time high, enhancing my interactions. Negotiators, writers, even public relations specialists - so maybe if I just phrase things right, even the Cigarette Smoking Man couldn't say no.
Why not just practice clear communication instead of attributing it to planetary movements? Last time you did that, you tried to convince a suspect Mars was in retrograde and he ended up throwing his shoe at you.
But look - abundant opportunities are emerging in creative and financial spheres. What if that means our next case has something to do with mutually-beneficial business ventures or - better yet - a retired artist with telepathic abilities?
Or maybe it just means you should stick to your expense reports and stop investing in conspiracy magazines. And what is this about lunar influence? You don't actually believe that the Moon passing through Gemini and Taurus means we should be out in the field chasing stories in the stillness, do you?
Scully, sometimes you have to let the mind rest and let feeling be your guide. You know, like that time in the forest when everything was too quiet and we found the truth hidden behind the silence. Maybe the Universe just wants us to listen this time.
I'm all for being open-minded, Mulder, but I still think you're reaching. Instead of waiting for cosmic whispers, how about we read the field reports and use a little good old-fashioned investigation?
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, why are you looking at me like that? Did you find another classified memo in your bagel this morning?
Not a classified memo, Scully - something far more cosmic. According to my horoscope today, my sharp wit is going to carry me through some pretty substantial negotiations. Looks like the universe is putting me front and center, just where I belong.
Are you sure that isn't just confirmation bias, Mulder? Or maybe it's just the effect of too much caffeine and not enough breakfast.
No, Scully, this is bigger than caffeine jitters. It says 'artistic ventures and wise investments' - maybe this means my new theory about extraterrestrial symbolism in Renaissance paintings is finally going to get traction. Maybe even a grant.
Artistic ventures? Mulder, you once sketched out an alien autopsy diagram on a diner napkin and called it modern art.
Exactly. My eloquence is at its peak today - it's written in the stars. Which means if we need to persuade Skinner to authorize an expense account for that surveillance operation, now's the time. Also, the horoscope mentioned 'Gemini mirrors Gemini.' That’s a hall of thoughts, Scully. Infinite. Dazzling. Reminds me of that strange night in the mental institution - remember the man who couldn't stop talking to himself?
Mulder, you’re not in a hall of mirrors. You’re in the basement, trying to justify a field trip to New Mexico based on wordplay. I think the 'wisdom emerges when thought finds silence' part might suggest you consider actually keeping some of those theories to yourself for once.
Ouch, Scully. But if that’s the case, maybe the universe just wants me to learn integration - combine all my thoughts into one, transcendent, undeniable truth. Or at least a better expense report. That has to count for something, right?
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Scully, I just read something fascinating. Apparently, the stars have aligned for me - today I'm supposed to experience a wave of care and enhanced eloquence in social situations. Maybe I should finally resolve things with Skinner after that last incident.
Mulder, unless the lunar movement is promising to write your case reports for you, I wouldn’t get too excited. Are you seriously relying on your horoscope to guide your professional relationships now?
Well, it says my expression will be graceful and will positively impact negotiations and writing. So maybe my next memo to the Director will finally be met with something other than incredulity. Gemini is whispering to Cancer - logic meets emotion. Remind you of anyone you know?
If by that you mean you're about to try convincing me that logic and empathy are the same thing, Mulder, I've heard it before. And I have yet to see a Gemini moon produce a credible autopsy report - much less a successful negotiation with the Bureau's budget committee.
You underestimate the power of cosmic suggestion, Scully. It even mentions abundant opportunities in both creative and financial spheres. Artistic ventures and wise investments! Maybe that means my theory about alien implants will resonate better at the next hearing. Or the publishing world will finally open its doors to my manuscript... the one Frohike called 'enigmatic.'
Or maybe it means you’re about to buy another stack of questionable literature from that psychic in Georgetown. Mulder, isn’t it more likely your success is based on your own obsessive persistence rather than the alignment of Gemini and Cancer?
Leo
July 23 - August 22
You seem more animated than usual this morning, Mulder. Did you stumble upon another government conspiracy late last night?
Not exactly, Scully. I read my horoscope, and apparently, 'bold expression defines my spirit.' I was meant for extraordinary things today. The Leo energy is disrupting the natural order, a cosmic erraticism that could be the key to those inconsistencies we've been chasing.
So, you're suggesting that your horoscope is responsible for 'disruptions' in our case files now? Mulder, astrology isn't a reliable metric for profiling suspects or reading situations.
Maybe not for you, Scully, but I've been advised to channel sudden impulses into innovative solutions to maintain momentum. You remember when we had to improvise in the Arctic, when the standard protocols collapsed? Desperate times call for creative leaps.
Improvise all you want for your personal transformation, just don't expect it to withstand scrutiny in an FBI report. And I don't recall any scenario where the lunar cycle offered viable tactical advice.
Ah, but the lunar influence is strong with me today. Gemini fuels Leo’s fire - imagination on overdrive. It's the cosmic equivalent of swapping stories with a shapeshifter; ideas shine when you least expect it.
That's quite the leap, even for you. Next, you'll be telling me your rising sign gives you clearance to rewrite Bureau protocols.
Not the protocols, Scully, just my approach. Eloquent expression, eloquent negotiation... perhaps what we need to finally get Skinner off our backs. Wouldn't you agree that a graceful combination of imagination and persistence could be the X factor in solving our current mystery?
I think I'll stick to evidence-based methods, thanks. But if you find yourself suddenly inspired - and it doesn't involve invading a bee-infested attic - maybe I'll listen.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Scully, I've just read my horoscope, and I think it might explain everything that's happened today. It says my sharp mind is supposed to shape my course, and I'm meant to have eloquent expression - apparently it's the perfect day for negotiators and writers. That would explain my improved ability to charm that coroner into speeding up the autopsy report, don't you think?
Mulder, your so-called eloquence nearly got us thrown out of the medical examiner’s office. I’m not sure an astrology column is the answer to your communication challenges.
But Scully, it goes deeper. The horoscope warns about erratic Virgo energy - disrupting progress. Yesterday, I was perfectly on track with my files... then, suddenly, I got sidetracked thinking about the bees. Now I see I was just caught in a cosmic confluence. If only I'd channeled that impulse, maybe we'd have cracked the vaccine delivery problem.
Or maybe you were distracted because you left five open case files and started categorizing baseball cards instead of reviewing evidence. You’re blaming Virgo energy for your own scattered habits now?
That’s the thing, Scully - my Gemini mind wants to dance, but my Virgo side wants to dissect. If I find the unity between them, as the horoscope says, maybe my brilliance would finally find its true purpose. I mean, look what happened to Arthur Dales when he ignored his twin instincts. Could be the universe really is nudging me in the right direction.
Mulder, I think what the universe wants is for you to finish your paperwork and stop treating astrology as a field investigation technique. If thought really becomes craft, maybe you should craft a solid case report for once.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
You seem awfully pleased with yourself this morning, Mulder. Did you find more evidence in the reports, or is this just caffeine talking?
Neither, Scully. I read my horoscope. It says my eloquence and gentle charm are supposed to be off the charts today - steadying my pace and enhancing negotiations. I think this calls for a truly persuasive approach to the Skinner meeting.
Mulder, I hope you’re not seriously suggesting that planetary alignments are the reason you think you’re going to get out of this week’s paperwork.
No, Scully, it’s more than that. The stars are practically begging me to take on creative ventures and wise investments. Remember the time the art forgery ring turned out to be a cover for alien messages? Maybe that’s a sign I should look closely at our next case assignment for hidden opportunity.
Or maybe you’ve just read one too many fortune cookies. Tell me, Mulder, how exactly do you plan to parlay this 'graceful combination' into a breakthrough on the X-File we’re investigating?
Well, Scully, this horoscope specifically mentions abundant opportunities in creative and financial spheres. I think it means I should trust my instincts if we get approached by any eccentric benefactors. Or, you know, if I have to charm another suspicious small-town sheriff.
Just make sure your 'poetry into relationships' doesn’t end up reading like your sunflower seed haikus. I’d rather deal with a mutant flukeman than a Mulder on an astrological mission.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, why do you look so contemplative? Please don’t tell me you’ve been reading your horoscope again.
Scully, let me ask you something: do you ever have the feeling that change isn’t just happening, but targeting you specifically? Because apparently, a bold shift is guiding my steps today. The universe says so.
You mean the universe as in the newspaper astrology column? Or should I be bracing for more spontaneous road trips to observe glowing swamp gas after midnight?
Not swamp gas, Scully, but something just as disruptive - a kind of erratic Scorpio energy. It’s casting ripples over everything, making consistency impossible. But if I channel these impulses, maybe I’ll finally solve the Rubik’s cube that is my apartment. Or uncover the truth that hides inside every domestic squabble.
Your apartment could use more than cosmic intervention, Mulder. And erratic energy sounds less like subatomic particles and more like an excuse for why you never do your laundry.
Ah, but the stars say eloquent expression is my superpower right now. Apparently, my communication skills are peaking. So perhaps I should try persuading our friend Frohike to clean my place - for the good of the investigation, of course.
By all means, use your newfound eloquence. Meanwhile, I’ll rely on facts to maintain my social and professional interactions. Still, I’m curious - does your horoscope predict when you’ll have creative pursuits outside obsessing over government conspiracies?
It does. It says I should embrace the meeting of Gemini’s chatter with Scorpio’s silence. Surface meets soul, words skim the top, but truth dives deep. Kind of like our work, don’t you think? Sometimes we have to talk through the noise to get to what really matters.
The difference is, Mulder, our work comes with evidence. Your horoscope, on the other hand, reads like a choose-your-own-adventure novel.
Scully, the adventure is half the fun - and occasionally, adventure leads us to the evidence. Or, at the very least, to the world’s best sunflower seeds.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Scully, do you ever feel like maybe the universe is sending you a sign? According to my horoscope today, my next steps are supposed to be ignited by a 'free flame.' I don’t think it’s a coincidence I was drawn to that basement office in the first place.
Mulder, I sincerely doubt your horoscope predicted decades of government cover-ups or you developing a reputation for wild theories about firestarters.
But Scully, it says eloquent expression is going to enhance my interactions, socially and professionally. Maybe now's finally my chance to convince Skinner about the necessity of this work, or, you know, get the Lone Gunmen to finally agree on pizza toppings.
Or perhaps it just means you're going to talk more today, and I'm not sure that's exactly what the professional sector is hoping for.
There's more - apparently, abundant opportunities are headed my way in creative and financial areas, especially at home. So that manuscript I've been writing on unexplained phenomena? Best seller, Scully. Maybe even a decent royalty check, and I can finally retire those fish for a fancier tank.
History suggests that 'abundant opportunity' for you often means more unexplained phone calls and strange visitors at your door. If your fish end up glowing green, then I'll be concerned.
But here's the kicker - Gemini meets Sagittarius. Two sides, curiosity and wisdom, teaching and listening. It's like you and me, Scully. We're supposed to learn from each other, question reality, challenge the world together.
If this is about that time you tried to teach me to throw pencils at the ceiling tiles in the bullpen, I’ll remind you I was right about gravity. But if you’re still determined to follow your cosmic destiny, at least let me bring the flashlight.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
Scully, have you ever considered that, despite the world’s chaos, it’s our practical will that determines our direction? My horoscope just spelled it out. Capricorn energy throwing wrenches in the works - but if I channel those sudden impulses, I could solve cases in ways no one expects. Maybe even figure out what really happened to those cows in Red River Valley.
So you’re saying a little astrological turbulence is the explanation for your inconsistent paperwork, Mulder? It’s more likely your so-called Capricorn disruption is just you following another wild hunch.
But that’s just it, Scully. The horoscope clearly says that if I harness these erratic bursts of energy, I can keep moving forward. Innovation thrives on the unexpected. Remember how we cracked that case in Idaho after I took an unplanned detour? This is the universe telling me to keep trusting those instincts.
Or it's the universe warning everyone else to keep an eye on their wallets. It also mentioned your values and resources - does that mean you’ll be more thrifty with your sunflower seeds this month?
Not just sunflower seeds. Resources also mean ideas, Scully. And according to this, I’m supposed to be eloquent - express myself with grace, whether I’m negotiating with you or arguing with Skinner. Maybe I should take up public relations on the side.
If that’s the case, you might start by working on your justification reports. But tell me - what’s that part about Gemini sparkling against Capricorn’s stone? Sounds poetic, but I think time and paperwork are definitely teaching you patience.
Gemini means fleeting ideas, Capricorn gives them structure. Maybe those flashes of insight I get - like with that Navajo code - need your skeptical grounding to become something permanent. We’re basically cosmic opposites, Scully. Fated to balance the extraordinary with the practical.
I suppose if the stars help you finish your case files on time, I won’t argue. But I still think you give astrology too much credit, Mulder. At least let me check your math when you start negotiating with our next informant.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, is that the horoscope you’re reading, or did you just get back from a psychic cult in the desert again?
Scully, listen to this: innovative winds are supposed to guide my journey today. That means my ideas - no matter how sudden or unconventional - are exactly what the universe needs right now. Erratic Aquarius energy just means we’re due for a little shake-up. It’s practically an omen.
So those sudden impulses you have - like chasing after mysterious lights in the sky - this is your excuse to keep following them?
Not just an excuse, Scully, a mandate. The horoscope says if I channel those urges into innovative solutions, I can actually make some progress. Remember that time in Bellefleur? If I hadn’t acted on a sudden impulse, we might never have broken that case. Besides, eloquent expression is supposed to enhance my social and professional interactions. Maybe if I had my horoscope in hand during the OPR hearings, Skinner wouldn’t have had to bail me out so often.
Eloquent expression or not, Mulder, you do realize that the air being ‘thick with invention’ doesn’t mean invisible government agencies are going to start telling the truth? And as for your values and resources, I doubt a horoscope can compensate for your filing system.
Don’t you see, Scully? With the lunar influence of Gemini and Aquarius, our minds meeting is destined. It’s why we come up with theories that drive everyone else crazy. Ideas blooming like lightning! Maybe this is the sort of cosmic alignment the Cigarette Smoking Man fears most - a partnership creating what even conspiracies can’t contain.
I’m sure Gemini and Aquarius have nothing on a good, old-fashioned autopsy report, Mulder. But if your horoscope inspires you to put your innovating to use on the paperwork backlog, maybe I’ll become a believer - until then, I’ll rely on science.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Mulder, you look like you've found something you'd rather talk about than work. Don't tell me you've gone from crop circles to astrology charts now.
Scully, I just read my horoscope and for once it all makes perfect sense. It says I have a 'mystic heart.' That explains how I always know when there's more going on than meets the eye. It's practically an endorsement from the universe.
A mystic heart, Mulder? I hope you're not planning on adding psychic readings to your skillset. What's the rest of this revelation?
Apparently, my eloquence is about to skyrocket - great news for upcoming discussions with Skinner. This combination apparently benefits writers and, get this, negotiators. So I guess all those late-night case reports and attempts to get you to see the bigger picture are finally coming in handy.
Eloquence won't save you if your next report includes references to alien conjunctions. What else did your prophecy decree?
It said opportunities are going to pop up in 'creative and financial spheres.' Maybe my ideas for that book on unexplained phenomena will finally find an agent. Or maybe your insistence on sensible investments might actually rub off on me and I'll stop investing in vintage alien figurines.
You mean you'll finally consider a mutual fund instead of staking it all on questionable artifacts? Are you sure your horoscope wasn't swapped with someone else's mail?
Nope - it even mentioned lunar influences: Gemini and Pisces, language and dreams merging, logic making way for wonder. I think it means my hunches will pay off in new ways, maybe even opening up leads in the investigation. Maybe Langly could code us a program to track these 'echoes' for hidden messages.
Or maybe it just means you shouldn't answer emails after midnight while staring at moonlight. But if all this heightened intuition helps us close cases, I suppose I shouldn't argue. Too much.