Aries
March 21 - April 19
You look unusually energized, Mulder. Did you finally find proof of extraterrestrial life in the vending machine?
No, Scully, it’s something deeper. I just read my horoscope - it says a 'radiant push' is defining my way, that my rebellious urges are at an all-time high. Maybe I should just quit everything and become a goat farmer in the mountains. Embrace my spiritual side.
A goat farmer, Mulder? You were on the verge of quitting last week when Skinner made you rewrite your report. I assume the goats would also require extensive documentation.
Scully, you don’t understand - this isn’t just paperwork fatigue. The horoscope said my need for adventure is in conflict with my need for snacks. It’s as if my very soul is hungry - for both action and perhaps Cheetos.
And how exactly do you propose to balance your primal instincts with your dietary habits, Mulder? Are we about to witness you in a philosophical debate with a snack machine? Again?
It’s all about temperance, Scully. When Aries meets Aries, fire meets its mirror. I think it’s saying I need to confront myself. Remember when the Lone Gunmen said I was my own worst enemy? Maybe it’s time to face that, sword and torch in hand.
Well, just promise me if you feel any ‘sudden urge’ to burn anything down, you’ll at least tell the fire marshal first. Or me.
I promise, Scully. But if you hear me making goat noises, just chalk it up to personal growth - and maybe keep the snacks close by.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
You look unusually pensive, Mulder. Did you finally crack the definitive answer to telepathic cattle, or is it something else?
Actually, Scully, it's my horoscope. It says today my practical vibes will focus me, but my need for adventure is fighting with my need for snacks. I mean, doesn't that just sum up the human condition - and maybe our last stakeout?
Are you telling me the universe is concerned about your snack cravings now? I thought spiritual enlightenment usually involved more... asceticism and less vending machine activity.
But that's the thing, Scully. It says my spiritual side is especially affected. Maybe it's suggesting that hunger for truth is just as real as my hunger for sunflower seeds. Plus, I'm supposed to expect abundance. We might finally get that backup I've been asking for, or at least an endless supply of those questionable motel donuts.
Given the FBI's recent budget review, I wouldn't count on abundance. And as for the good vibes, I've noticed they rarely translate to tangible results. Or reliable snacks.
There's more, Scully. It warns about strong rebellious urges. Try not to burn anything down. I'm not saying I'm drawing any parallels, but do you remember that thing with the pyrokinesis suspect? Maybe the horoscope is more of a survival manual.
If your horoscope is warning you against spontaneous combustion this time, I'll reconsider my stance on skepticism. Until then, maybe you should focus on the practical vibes and leave the burning to the professionals in arson investigations.
And the lunar influence says Aries lights Taurus' soil - desire meets discipline. Action waits for ripeness, growth emerges from restraint. Sounds like it's advising patience. Think of it: instead of rushing into the unknown, we let the answers come to us. Or at least let the snacks arrive before we interrogate them for signs of extraterrestrial tampering.
Or maybe, Mulder, it's telling you to balance your impulses with common sense. No late-night invasions of state parks for questionable wizardry, no interrogating donuts. But if you do end up with extra snacks, you know where to find me.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Mulder, you look unusually energetic this morning. Should I brace myself for something?
Scully, you'll appreciate this - my horoscope says agile thoughts are shaping my journey today. Abundance is flowing. Frankly, I feel ready to take on the entire Bureau's backlog of unexplained cases.
Your horoscope also said something about snacks, didn't it? Abundance might just refer to the leftover donuts in the breakroom.
No, it's deeper than that. It specifically said my ambition and my need for adventure would conflict with my snack cravings. I think that explains what happened last week when we were hunting that alleged liver-eater and I kept getting distracted by the vending machines.
Mulder, how exactly does a horoscope predict both career advancement and snack-based obstacles? That sounds like you're cherry-picking for dramatic effect.
Scully, aren't you always telling me to keep an open mind? The lunar forecast says Aries is dancing with Gemini today - thought and action in perfect harmony. Words are arrows; I just have to make sure mine are well-aimed. Maybe that's a sign it's time for our next report to Skinner to have a particularly fiery introduction.
Or maybe it's a sign you should pause and think before launching into your next wild theory in his office. After all, the horoscope did advise mindful pauses.
But Scully, with the cosmic energy flowing as it is, my expansive mind is charged with big ideas. Some of them might even be good. Maybe that means I'll finally convince you that extraterrestrial intelligence is behind the high incidence of missing snacks.
I'll believe in your abundance of good ideas, Mulder, the moment you solve the mysterious case of who keeps taking my yogurt from the fridge without resorting to alien intervention.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Mulder, you’ve been reading that horoscope app again, haven’t you?
I can’t help it, Scully. You know, it’s eerily accurate today. It said my gentle instincts are meant to light my path, which is exactly what happened when I found that lead in the DMV cafeteria. I felt compelled to follow the scent of potato wedges, and it led us straight to that evidence locker.
So your alleged 'career ambition' is now conveniently tied to snacks and celestial bodies? Should I start interpreting Cheetos as runes?
Don’t underestimate the power of the subconscious, Scully. My horoscope also says abundance is flowing - mostly good vibes, but snacks too - which explains why the vending machine finally accepted my dollar today. It’s as if the universe is guiding me, especially today. It’s big. Expansive, even.
Or maybe it’s just that maintenance finally fixed the machine. Mulder, your idea of 'expansive thinking' usually ends with us trespassing somewhere we’re not supposed to be.
That’s the Aries flame warming the Cancerian waters, Scully. The warrior learns to feel, and the nurturer learns to rise. Kind of like when I realized that sometimes even stubborn men need to listen to their partners with enormous common sense.
And here I thought your only lunar influence was from unexpected visitors on the dark side of the moon. Just promise me you won’t try to use your horoscope to justify skipping paperwork today.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Scully, I just read my horoscope, and apparently there's a 'vibrant pulse powering my soul.' You ever get the feeling that maybe it's not government surveillance or alien technology doing it, but cosmic fire literally fueling me?
Mulder, I would ascribe a 'vibrant pulse' to too much coffee, not the lunar influence, unless there's a double espresso in orbit. Are you feeling okay?
On the contrary, I feel fantastic. It says rebellious urges are strong today. Maybe that explains why I almost dared Skinner to rearrange the pencils on his desk. Do you think he’d appreciate a little creative authenticity?
Mulder, you’re always trying to rebel against something. But before you turn Skinner’s office into performance art, remember the last time you acted on one of those urges? We barely escaped being reassigned to weather balloon sightings.
Scully, listen - my horoscope says the urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer is especially affecting my relationships. What if that's my true path? Away from bureaucracy, raising livestock, no smoking men in dark hallways.
Mulder, you’d last two days on a goat farm before you interrogated every animal about unexplained crop circles in their pasture. Besides, you mentioned burning things down. Please tell me you’re not planning another stunt involving classified files and spontaneous combustion.
No, Scully, no incineration today. But the stars suggest that ego is my muse and the world is my stage. Maybe it’s time someone was bold enough to perform the truth in front of an audience.
Performing the truth or making yourself the center of attention, Mulder? And what about your so-called need for snacks battling your sense of adventure? I’m not sure if your horoscope is calling for enlightenment or just a bag of sunflower seeds.
Maybe a little of both. But if the fires of Aries and Leo combine for luminous authenticity, Scully, should we be looking at the next clue as a myth in plain sight? Or should I just accept that I'm destined for greatness - and Chex Mix?
Why don’t we just start with lunch and see which cosmic urges survive the cafeteria line, Mulder? If you transform into a goat farmer today, I’ll start believing in lunar influence.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Mulder, why are you staring so intently at your phone? You look like you've just stumbled on another government conspiracy.
Scully, it's my horoscope. It says today is all about structured calm. But then it warns me that my craving for adventure is at odds with my apparently equally powerful need for snacks. I think this explains why I've been pacing the office with a bag of sunflower seeds in one hand and classified files in the other.
Mulder, I really doubt cosmic alignment is responsible for your inability to choose between eating and chasing monsters. Perhaps you just need a proper lunch.
But, Scully, it gets weirder. According to this, my mind is expansive today. I'm due for some big ideas. Maybe that's the universe nudging me to finally connect those crop circles in Montana to the unexplained power surges in D.C. And it claims some of my ideas might even be good.
I'm genuinely curious about their criteria for a 'good idea.' Does theorizing about sentient fungi qualify? And how exactly are your snack-based dilemmas impacting your inner transformation, Mulder?
Well, I was on the verge of a major insight about the case files, but then I got distracted by the vending machine. The horoscope says my rebellious urges are strong today and I should avoid burning anything down. I interpret that as explicit cosmic instructions not to set fire to more evidence, no matter how tempting the situation.
Good, because the last time you followed your 'instinct over reason,' the fire alarm went off and we spent three hours explaining ourselves to Skinner. Maybe the lunar influence should advise you to stick with action informed by discernment, not whim.
I can't help it, Scully. Aries stirs Virgo's design. Instinct versus reason, growth lies in synthesis. It's practically the story of us - you, ever the discerning skeptic, and me, impulsively hunting the truth out there. Maybe that's why we're such an effective team.
Libra
September 23 - October 23
Scully, I was reading my horoscope this morning. It says, and I quote, 'Balanced beauty shapes your spirit. Abundance is flowing.' You know what that means? I think I'm finally in sync with the universe. Maybe even the Snackwells I've been hoarding are part of my spiritual awakening.
Mulder, I'm more inclined to believe the abundance is just a result of your late-night scavenging. What exactly do they mean by 'balanced beauty' shaping your spirit? Are you planning to rearrange your apartment again, or does this have something to do with the office plants?
You're missing the bigger picture, Scully. 'Abundance is flowing' - we could be on the verge of a breakthrough. But then it says, 'good vibes and maybe also snacks.' It’s eerily specific. My need for adventure is directly conflicting with my urge to sneak Doritos into case files.
That sounds more like a diet problem than a metaphysical battle. Unless, of course, you're suggesting the abundance is evidence of a poltergeist raiding the office vending machine.
Don't you see? It goes deeper. The horoscope warns me about rebellious urges and cautions not to burn anything down. I wonder if that's a sign I should avoid another run-in with government conspiracies. Or maybe it's just a warning about my last attempt at microwave popcorn.
Or perhaps it's a gentle reminder that fire alarms and FBI field offices don't mix, Mulder. You did set off the sprinkler system last time, remember?
But the lunar influence - Aries confronted by Libra - suggests that self meets other in the 'sacred mirror.' Scully, are you the Libra to my Aries? Maybe that's why our relationship always seems like a battlefield - and yet, somehow, a balm.
I prefer to think of our partnership as constructive friction rather than cosmic warfare. If you want to see justice through tension, perhaps you could start by sharing those snacks.
Scorpio
October 24 - November 21
Mulder, why are you staring at that phone with that look on your face? Did you find another classified ad for alien memorabilia?
No, Scully, this is something even stranger. I just read my horoscope and it says that deep passion defines my rhythm. Apparently, I'm supposed to feel a sudden urge to quit everything and become a goat farmer. Can you imagine that? Me out in the highlands, tending goats instead of chasing the paranormal.
Mulder, your rhythm is defined by leftovers and late-night stakeouts. And the only thing I've ever seen you herd is a flock of conspiracy theories. Why would this influence your home life?
Because, Scully, this horoscope claims my need for adventure is in conflict with my need for snacks. It's like the time I tried to fast to increase my psychic awareness but caved after Skinner brought in donuts. The stars are practically reading my diary.
Or you're projecting. I don't recall astrology being an accepted diagnostic tool at Quantico.
You're missing the bigger cosmic picture. It also warns about strong rebellious urges and advises against burning anything down. Remember when that rural cult tried to call forth a fire deity? Maybe my horoscope is trying to prevent a repeat performance.
Maybe it's just generic advice, Mulder. Or maybe you should stay away from matches, just in case.
But Scully, listen to this: 'Lunar Influence: Fire and deep water Aries provokes Scorpios depths.' That's a collision of passion and power. Transformation, born in sacred friction. I think they're saying I’m on the edge of a personal metamorphosis, possibly linked to lunar cycles. Maybe I should follow my shadow for insight. Or at least try goat cheese.
I think you're on the edge of wishful thinking. And if you start bleating or building a moon shrine in your apartment, I'm recommending therapy.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Scully, I was just reading my horoscope. It says that open horizons drive my rhythm and there’s an abundance flowing my way. You know what that means, right? The universe is basically inviting me to break out of routine and blaze some new trails. Maybe take a road trip. You think Skinner would sign off on that?
Mulder, are you really basing your travel plans on what your horoscope is telling you? And abundance? The only thing flowing lately is your expense reports.
But Scully, it specifically mentions a conflict between my need for adventure and my need for snacks. That’s oddly specific. Remember that time we spent twenty-four hours in that abandoned gas station and I almost burned the place down trying to roast sunflower seeds? These things aren’t just random.
I remember you nearly starting an actual fire in a room full of flammable evidence. Are you saying that was written in the stars, too? Maybe if you’d prioritized wisdom over impulsive snack attempts, we wouldn’t have had to fill out those incident reports.
It also says rebellious urges are strong, but I shouldn’t burn anything down. I’m taking that as a sign I should question authority, just... not in the break room with a microwave. And apparently, my creative pursuits will be at their peak - maybe I should finally outline our next case as a sonnet.
Let’s try to limit your creative pursuits to forms that don’t get us written up, Mulder. If you want adventure, maybe stick to following up leads instead of your horoscope.
But listen to this: 'Ideals are ignited, adventures promised. Yet wisdom whispers: direction matters more than speed.' Kind of like when we drove across Texas chasing that… well, you remember. Maybe if we listened to the stars, we’d have found the truth faster.
Or maybe if you listened to my directions, we wouldn’t have had to double back three times. Mulder, the only guidance I trust is what can be measured with a map - or a Geiger counter.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
You seem oddly serene today, Mulder. Is there something you're not telling me?
Actually, Scully, I just read my horoscope and it says my determination is at an all-time high. A calm resolve - sort of like after you see a UFO but before you file the paperwork.
Let me guess, is this before or after you feel a sudden urge to abandon the Bureau and take up goat farming in West Virginia?
You’re joking, Scully, but that’s exactly what it suggested. Apparently, I should be rethinking my values and resources. Imagine the fresh air, the open fields, maybe the occasional mysterious hoof print that doesn’t match any known breed.
And how does this fit with your pathological need for adventure? Goat farming doesn’t strike me as high-octane.
That’s the conflict, Scully. My horoscope warned that my love of the unknown will clash with my need for snacks - though I think a goat cheese operation could satisfy both.
I assume you’re planning to relocate the X-Files office to the barn, then? How do rebellious urges factor in? Should I be worried you’ll set fire to the goat feed on a whim?
No promises, but I’ll try to keep the pyrotechnics to a minimum. The stars claim those urges are strong today. Aries charging Capricorn’s mountain, or something mystical like that.
Mulder, success is not an oath to climb; it’s a willingness to do the paperwork after you scale the metaphorical mountain. Or the literal one, I suppose, if you take your horoscope seriously.
I’ll take an oath, Scully, just as long as you bring the snacks. Besides, would you really miss chasing after mountain goats more than you’d miss chasing after questionable agents and shapeshifters?
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
Mulder, why are you packing trail mix and... is that a field guide to goats?
Scully, I just read my horoscope and it couldn't be more specific about my current situation. There's a 'quirky pulse' guiding me today - rebellion clashes with rationality. It's like my urge for adventure is at war with my snack cravings.
I'll admit that's a very particular horoscope, Mulder, but don't you think deciding to quit our jobs for goat farming is a little extreme even for you?
Not just goat farming, Scully - it's about resource reallocation. My values are undergoing a metamorphosis. The lunar influence in Aries tells me it's time for visionary rebellion. Revolution awakens dormant futures. Remember our time in Tunguska? Sometimes you just need to abandon everything and charge into the unknown.
And what happens when your rebellion burns more than bridges, Mulder? It's one thing to seek innovation, it's another to ignore the consequences. Last time, you nearly lost your FBI credentials - and our snacks.
Scully, innovation without responsibility is just chaos. This time, I promise not to set anything ablaze. But don't you ever wonder what dormant future is waiting just beyond our need for granola bars?
Mulder, if you attempt to liberate a herd of goats in rural Virginia, you’ll have to answer to more than just your horoscope.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Scully, have you ever considered that the universe might actually be pushing us toward a higher calling - and maybe a snack or two along the way? My horoscope said there's a dreamy tide lifting my path today. I can’t help but wonder if this means we’re on the verge of a major breakthrough… or just a really good plate of sunflower seeds.
Mulder, are you honestly suggesting that cosmic forces are influencing both your appetite and your sense of destiny? I hope you’re not using a horoscope as the basis for our next field report.
I don't know, Scully. It says abundance is flowing - almost as if the universe is telling me we’re about to stumble on something big. Maybe we’ll uncover new evidence, or maybe it means I finally get to visit that doughnut place I’ve read about in the Bureau’s food forum.
Mulder, the only abundance we've encountered lately is the paperwork from our last case. Besides, you can’t seriously believe that planetary alignments are responsible for your fixation on snacks.
But Scully, listen: it talks about fire touching the ocean - Aries awakening Pisces' dream. That’s all about courage fueling compassion. Kind of like when we had to decide whether to trust that psychic in Baltimore. Sometimes it’s the blend of boldness and empathy that solves the case - and maybe helps us understand ourselves.
Or maybe it’s just astronomical metaphor. Courage, compassion, fire, and water - these are classic Jungian archetypes, not a blueprint for your day. But if you’re buying snacks, I won’t argue with collective abundance.
Scully, it also said my mind is expansive today - big ideas! You’ve got to admit, sometimes my out-there theories have been the key, even if you still think they’re snack-fueled delusions.
I’d settle for your big idea being a rational explanation, Mulder. Though, in the interest of scientific curiosity... what does your horoscope say about sharing those snacks?